A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a bit of a dilemma and really confused on how to deal with this guy I really like but is unavailable. I know I can never really be with him or have a serious relationship but I don't want to lose him entirely either and am struggling to at least keep a friendship but he keeps giving me mixed signals..I met him a short while after my break up with my husband. The reason I even noticed him was because of all the attention he was giving me and his constant flirting. Anyway, we exchanged phone numbers, start flirting, go out, kiss, and then continue with texts and seeing each other really late at night after work. It was ok at first because I wasn't ready to get into a relationship but after a while I started getting frustrated that he wouldn't take me out on a normal date and would just meet with me like I was his "booty call" either in the car or at my house. I decided not to make a big deal about it at first because he seemed to also care about me..he would call, text, and comfort me if I was upset.He would think of me all hours of the day and not just at night. Also he got really jealous and scared that because he wasn't spending a lot of time with me that I would meet someone else..which eventually I did as I wasn't going to just waste my life waiting on someone who doesn't know what he wants!I confronted him about being fed up with his secretive behavior, and we stopped talking for about 2 weeks. To make a long story short because I wanted answers and missed him I wrote a text asking him flat out if he is with someone else to just tell me. He was so happy to hear from me and went on and on about how much he missed me and wants to see me and talk to me. We meet in the car again and he tells me he was also going through a break up and still married but separated living with relatives. We start the casual sex thing again even though in my heart I knew something was off. I thought maybe his wife was giving him problems not letting him go and he was scared she would take him to court or something so I accepted the not going out. We would meet less and less though but every time things heated up more and more and made it all the more difficult to just forget him. I eventually did move on with my new guy and even let him know about it. I thought maybe he would get scared of losing me and he did freak out at first but didn't do anything about it like he knew that he "couldn't" or something..This time I got really pissed and wrote him a long email telling him off and saying that I will not put up with this any longer. He finally came to confront me and tell me that he moved back home with his wife but didn't tell me because cared for me and didn't want to lose me or hurt me.Because I had given up on him already a long time ago and decided to get engaged it didn't really matter anymore. He asked if I will still talk to him and seemed really upset and afraid of losing me that I said sure we can be friends but as long as we are honest with each other from now on. I do care for him and I know he cared for me. Our contact was very important to him so what I don't get now is why he is suddenly avoiding me. One week he texts me everyday and now nothing and doesn't even answer if I text him! He says that he really want's to see me so I invite him over just to talk yet he never shows, just makes excuses that is not well and working long hours. Excuses he doesn't need to make as I made it clear that its OK if for some reason he can't see me or come. He stood me up and now doesn't even talk to me out of the blue! I feel like such a fool being the first to text him always after all he has done and how he has treated me and been dishonest. I don't want to appear needy but don't know how to fix it now either.Why is he acting like this all of a sudden? I know you are going to say that I am just wasting my time and why do I even care when he has his life and I have mine now and am with someone else.. Well I had a special connection with this guy that I haven't found with anyone else. I cared for him and would like to at least keep him as a friend, I can't help but miss him. I am scared I already pushed him away but what's frustrating is that I act casual with him and tell him that if he wants me to stop texting me I will yet he never gives me a straight answer just that he's been busy. All he does is say one thing and do the opposite!Could it be that he still has feelings for me that he can't be friends? How can I find peace with myself and all the drama he's brought into my life? How can I get him to open up and accept me as a friend and if I can't what should I do to forget him and move on? It really is difficult..
View related questions:
a break, engaged, flirt, jealous, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (15 June 2009):
 All that text to say "whatever, I do what I want!" LOL.
I think it's funny that you're super defensive about this guy who doesn't want to be your friend. Friendship is a two-way street. But hey, if you want to hang on for some scraps of affection from this guy - who is IGNORING you - whatever, do what you want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I would like to say that I did not post this question to be judged and do not appreciate the name calling and snide comments because there is no one without weaknesses and faults. It is especially insulting when you have got it all wrong. I appreciate your honesty but I did not cheat on my fiance. We got engaged long after I found out the guy was married after I broke it off with him. Plus I didn't even know the guy was married so it was he who was the cheater cheating on his wife and not the other way around.
The only thing I did wrong was trust him and fall for him which I am sure all women have made the mistake to do at one time or another. Feelings aren't exactly something you can control. I do care for my fiance and will move on with him. I am not looking for anything romantic with my ex. My question was about wanting to keep that special connection as a friend at least because he is one of the few people besides my fiance who can make me laugh and is important to me. I don't have that many friends. We got along nicely just turns out he was a guy. If he was a woman none of you would be saying forget about her!
Sure, if things were different maybe I wouldn't have ended up getting engaged to another guy but obviously I can never be with him so why ruin my life and be alone forever and not be with anyone else just because I still have some feelings for someone else?
I don't beleive I am being unethical caring for someone and not wanting to lose them. It doesn't mean I don't love my fiance or want to have someone on the side! All fiances are not perfect though and doesn't mean that you don't need friends and other people in your life to share what you may not be able to share with your husband. There is no man exactly like you who likes everything you like..if that were the case there would be no reason for friends, hobbies and other connections!
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (14 June 2009):
You were a side girlfriend the whole time. He was never that interested in you because he was married. He never fought for you. He doesn't want your friendship. It was all about the sex and keeping you just happy enough that the sex wouldn't dry up. There's also the matter that you were cheating on your fiance with him. Your poor fiance...planning to marry you and all you can do is pine over some other man!
Let him go. Completely. Let go of all this drama and concentrate on your relationship. If you can't let go of him - and I doubt you will even try - at least tell your fiance so he doesn't get married to a cheater.
...............................
|
