A
male
age
41-50,
*atrick12
writes:I'm 40 and my girlfriend is 20 and we are together for the past seven months. We met online and dated for 8 weeks before we decided to become a couple. I never thought I could connect with someone her age nor ever have a relationship, but she is now my world. Shes shy sweet funny and I'm mad about her. She is very mature and knows what she wants in life. I own a very successful building company and she has never taken advantage of me when it has came to money, she is very adamant in paying her own half. Our sex life is incredible and passionate . About 5 months ago we got on the topic of children and when I asked if she got pregnant before she married by accident by someone would it be a disaster she said no that she loves children but when she asked me I said id be shocked i wouldnt know what to do as I never knew id have kids and at 40 i thought i was out of time. We live together and i had found her worried cranky and we argued alot which was something we normally dont do she slept alot got sick in the morning but i didnt take any notice. Three days ago i woke up and she was gone just left and when i went to her home place i found out she is pregnant. When I came to the door she just would not talk to me her parents were there and she just wouldnt let me in. I want to meet her in private but shes embarressed and wont. I admit a few weeks ago about the time she got pregnant It was her birthday and we had sex without a condom drunk it was stupid and not wise Now Shes 2 months pregnant and shes afraid im disappointed and afraid i will walk out so she would rather i go now then the end because of how i never seemed to mention kids the time i said i would be shocked. Things have changed since my previous feelings i really want to be with her through everything but shes not letting me speak. She texts me saying she sorry and how she would rather be a single mother now than in 7 months time. I want to be a father to this baby and i want to mind her and our baby . Im very in love with her and i know shes going to make an incredible mother but she wont give me a chance as shes been hurt for different things by guys before and I know shes an incredibly big barrier . This is my baby shes not a cheat and I know she is having my baby. I want to make her smile and let her know i want to have this baby I want to prove i will be the best father ever and i want her to trust me. How do i prove to her im not going anywhere because shes really upset and wont talk to me and let me in. Shes the best thing to ever happen to me and I need advice I just need her to come meet e talk to me and prove to her i am here.
View related questions:
condom, drunk, met online, money, sex life, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 Her youth(comparitive youth anyway) and her vulnerability is the obvious cause for her concern that she could posibly end up alone and with a baby to raise. I'd assume she has few if any close family members to assume suport for her If you were to leave. By the way, you're a "stand-up guy" for wanting to stay. far too many 9oops I'm a daddy) clowns would run to the hills and leave her to her own feared reality. Why not offer to marry her? This could prove your intent is to stay put. Best of Luck, sounds like you'll be a great dad.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): I suspect that you made a comment inadvertently to her that
she may have been misinterpreted or offensive. She is a young girl, and things we say derived from an old-school line of thought; just may not have exactly the same meaning these days.
Say for example, you've made some very conservative commentary regarding single mothers; or pregnancies out of wedlock. The comments may have been said very generally and just as a matter of fact; but some comments we make stick like glue to a person who may be very sensitive.
The first thing anyone assumes when a young female has a serious relationship with an older successful male; is that she is a gold-digger. Don't forget she has friends, family, and neighbors who will judge her. You have your own immediate family she must contend with. She couldn't bear you abandoning her at this most crucial time in her life.
While she's young, unmarried, and pregnant. You have to consider cultural, family tradition, and religious issues as well.
She also didn't plan to get pregnant. It may be more about her parents than it is about you. You being the older one of the couple should have worn a condom to protect the both of you.
I feel she will come around. Just state your intentions to the people you CAN talk to. Her parents. Even if she isn't willing to be mature about it. They are probably drilling her with questions, and they may also have a big influence over her behavior towards you.
She may choose to raise the child on her own. She didn't quite plan on having a child so soon in her life. This changes all her plans.
Perhaps a major part of this is hormonal; but she is also quite immature to begin with. For all practical purposes you may have rationalized her to be mature for her age.
Compared to your level of experience, you had a 20 year head-start. She's only a child herself. So don't expect her to handle this like someone with more experience. It's scary for her. She feels you had some obligation to protect her; and to be more responsible. You just might change your mind that fatherhood isn't for you.
You're essentially a single-male over 40, a successful businessman, showing no signs of wanting a marriage and a family. What's she to think?
Avoiding you doesn't make any sense. In fact, it is illogical altogether. I think she may know or realize a lot more about you than you might be aware of.
Have you ever been married, or do you have children from any prior relationships? How did your last relationship end?
Are you conducting any side-relationships you've neglected to mention in your post? I find her behavior a bit extreme with nothing to base her fears on.
The only other possibility is there is an outside influence working against you. Telling her things about you. Not to create paranoia; but all we can do is speculate, not knowing intimate details about you or your girlfriend.
As usual, the aunts and uncles of DC must offer advice based on only one-side of the story.
There are many details that are often left-out to avoid negative opinions against the OP. I think there is more to be told. I also feel she will come around when she sees how determined you are to prove that you will be there for her and the baby.
In this case, it is important that you don't give up trying. Even if it is her decision to be a single mother; that doesn't relieve you of the moral responsibility to offer financial-assistance. That would include you making every reasonable effort to be an actively participating father in the child's life. Provided with all certainty, the child is yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 Yes MARRY HER! Show her how happy you are being a father. Suggest names for boy or girl, do ring shopping, and start building relationships with in laws on both sides. Hire a massage therapist. Emphasize that the baby needs a stable family, the two of you. And that it makes you sad for her to even mention about being a single parent.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): She's obviously got some barriers up, which must be heightened now she's got all the hormones raging now she's pregnant. I can't even imagine how scared she must have been that you would reject her that she chose to leave rather than tell you. I think the best thing you can do is not give up trying to talk to her, write her an email, send it as a letter, speak to her parents (if they've been supportive of the relationship - if they haven't then speak to them anyway and tell then you're not some 20 year old who is going to get her pregnant and ditch her but you're older and ready for a family) show her that you're not going to stop trying.If you were to write as much from the heart as you did in this question, she should understand how you feel. If you see yourself with this woman forever - why not propose to her? It might just open her eyes to how much you love her and your yet to be born child. Good luck in whatever to do, I really hope she comes back to you soon so you can begin to prepare for the next stage in your lives. Let us know how it comes along.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 keep after her to be with her... do NOT give up... send her letters telling her how you feel. call her... ask her parents what they suggest...
MARRY HER!
give her time to adjust to these big huge changes that are happening way too fast for her and you..
being 2 months pregnant into a seven month relationship is very scary.. you two can plan all you want to be together but to be honest you barely know each other even after living together for a bit.
...............................
|
