A
male
age
36-40,
dudewithaproblem
writes:Dealing with wife's or girl friend's past has been discussed in many threads. Yos and Troubledtoomuch have been very helpful in replying to people who have issues in dealing with their GF's of wife's sexual past. However, I would like to have this thread for "solutions only". I would ask everyone who has dealt with this issue to come and suggest techniques, books etc that help people. Please do mention a brief backgroud of the issue you faced. Here's my issue and solution:I have a loving girlfriend and I have decided to marry her in the next few years. I am 24 and she's 22. She's a virgin. My issue is so trivial, that it doesn't compare to most of the issues on this website. The only thing she did with a guy other than me was "kissing on his cheek". Yes! thats it! I know you may call me stupid and immature, but the visualizations haunted me as they do to other guys out here. But she is so loving and caring that she supported me with this issue. I got visualizations, I woke up sad, I didn't feel like meeting her etc. I thought of breaking the marriage too. The solution: I read self-help books and the one which helped the most was 'Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I read books such as Man's Search For Meaning and learning about what all people have dealt with, made my issue look much smaller. The primary suggestion is - reverse your thoughts. Replace negative with positive. I know the negatives have much more power, but with time these thoughts will start fading away. As soon as something comes up, replacee it with good and positive emotions like when you met for the first time, your first date etc. Acceptance - accept that this is your issue (as Yos has said in his posts) and stop talking about it with her, and with other people. All the words that you hear will get stored in your sub-concious mind. I am still dealing with this issue, but the thoughts have reduced and I am convinced about marrying her. I would appreciate if othe people (male and female) post similar stories of "how did they overcome this?".
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): Here is one question where Yos and I and others discussed it at length:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
Here are also 2 articles that I wrote. I wrote then both to hopefully help others and to help my own thinking.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/some-tips-for-guys-that-are-having-trouble.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-our-cultures-teach-boys-that-women.html
I don't think that I can add anything here that hasn't already been said by Yos or me in other posts on this subject. You just have to continue to struggle to keep it out of your mind. What might hurt one guy is totally acceptable to another. I believe that it is mostly driven by how a person was taught to think about sex as a youth. Those thoughts are very difficult to counteract as an adult, as much as you want to change the way you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): I find that these two things help me:
a) Don't dwell on it.
b) Find a positive, even a small one.
By not dwelling on it, I mean to say that you can ACKNOWLEDGE what has happened (as there is no use in denying it), but do not focus on it. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future.
It might sound like a cliche but positive thinking really does help. The positive I found in my situation is that "at least he has some experience which makes him a better lover". Crude as it may be, this is the way I quell the negative thoughts of self-pity when I catch myself thinking about how the man I gave my virginity to had already given his to another woman.
Perhaps you could think "at least it was only a kiss on the cheek" or "a cheek kiss is not very intimate - it can be shared between friends" or "she saved everything else for me" etc.
But try not to let it consume you. Build a busy, full, and enjoyable life for yourself, with or without her. Don't waste your days caught in the past.
Good luck!
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reader, dudewithaproblem +, writes (20 May 2009):
dudewithaproblem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know there are many people out there who can shre more views. Please contribute, as it is a universal problem, every/ any solution will help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): nah its easy to stop - think of something else.
the past makes the present - of you took away the things you didn't like other things would go and she would be different and quite possibly you would hate her. (time travel rules apply - like going back and killing a lizard only to find out you have wiped out all the mammals)
Be happy and enjoy
Star.x.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (14 May 2009):
 Would be nice to be able to edit the posts. When I said 'step 3 is the key' I meant step 4. Namely learning to stop thinking about it.
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reader, dudewithaproblem +, writes (14 May 2009):
dudewithaproblem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Yos - thanks for your insights :)
I know you have written this over and over again, but for people life us, it has been of real help.
I look forward to more such contributions.
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reader, Yos +, writes (14 May 2009):
I've been to hell and back with this one. I could perhaps even write a book on it by now. But in the end, the 'solution' I came to is disarmingly simple:
1. Decide if you want to stay together and work through this. If you don't, break up (with as much kindness as you can muster). If you do want to stay together, then go for it 100% and...
2. Accept this is your issue and don't blame your partner. Nor place any moral judgement on her. Don't let yourself label what she did as 'wrong' or 'easy' or whatever. This is about you and only about you: namely you are having strong negative emotional experiences and you need to learn to overcome them.
3. Stop asking for details and information. That's just throwing fuel on the fire.
4. Learn to stop thinking about it.
Step 3 is the key. It can be incredibly hard, since the thoughts and images are usually compulsive and the reaction to them obsessive. They appear in your mind and then you just think over them again and again, in a downward and painful spiral.
You can learn to tune it out. Like ignoring noisy neighbours, learn to 'change the subject' in your head. Doing this breaks the obsessive - compulsive spiral.
There are ways to make this easier, to start with. Avoiding triggers can help. Don't discuss the problem with your partner when you're in a negative state of mind about it, rather bite your tongue and wait until the feelings pass. Don't let yourself obsess over it, distract yourself with other things you find fun. And learn to focus your mind away from the thoughts, classes like meditation, tai chi, yoga etc, can be very helpful with this.
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reader, dudewithaproblem +, writes (14 May 2009):
dudewithaproblem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a small thing to add - pls dont pot link to other discussions as a person gets lost in all those posts to find solutions (I have been there). Please copy paste the solution from other discussions if you want to, but I'll suggest that take some time out and write!
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