A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My marriage ended June last year. We were married just the year but had been together for 5 years in total. She moved out and we have had no real contact since (apart from the odd email to sort a few bits out). I never got the answers I needed and stopped asking after the first few weeks.I'm really struggling to move on and dont know how to? I can deal with the no contact as I know that this will just mess me up even more. I've read posts about doing new hobbies, going to the gym etc which I have done but she is in my head everyday and I can not shift it. I compare everything I do/everyone I meet with her/things we did together. Is there anyone out there that can tell me this will get easier from thier experiance. I had never loved anyone as much as this person. I have no one to talk to as I lost my best friend as well. Although I know i'm not a rock bottom again, I do feel that i'm going backwards and getting more and more depressed!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Start to build other relationships - ones that do not involve the possibility of physical intimacy. I suggest this only because you make a comment that you have nobody to talk to as she was your best friend. Perhaps you relied on this one relationship to be everything to you and now you have a great opportunity to build a support network (sorry this is an overused phrase but its relevant) of people that offer different kinds of things to you and visa versa. So... someone you can just have a beer with. Someone to chat with at the gym, people you might invite round for a dinner party or have a pub meal out with etc. That way, when (and it will take time) you are ready to find someone else you will not feel vulnerable and you will have a better sense of 'you' standing up in your own right with a circle of people that know you and care about you also in lots of different ways. You seem to have lost yourself in losing your relationship a little bit. Totally normal response and it is like a grieving process so do not be self critical. Keeping busy and healthy is important. One day you will wake up and your day will pass and it will get to 4pm and you might think "oh..I've only just thought about her." The following month it might be just before you go to bed. Then late, a few days will pass etc etc. One thing that really helped me after a 10 year relationship was getting on a plane to Australia on my own and spending 3 weeks there. I had never travelled alone (ever) I was 34 years old and absolutely hated flying. When I got back I felt elated, like I could do anything and my confidence took a huge step up. Yes, I had moments of crying and feeling lonely but overall I began to realise I could see the world on my terms and I didn't want to waste my life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): hi there i have just finished in a long term partnership we were together for 8 years. Before that i was married to my teenage sweetheart for 15 years. I found out my wife had been having an affair and it completley shook my world. you are right in not knowing the details as to why you split p and also th non cntact is a positive move. Does it get easier? thats down to you in person. I was at my lowest ebb ever. it took me around 12/15 months to pick myself up and even think about doing hobbies gym etc so you are better placed than me already. I have found out now , this is ten years down theline that life is great. well until this last split. but i am not back wherei was 10 years ago. i think thats because i am a stronger person due to my divorce. In the first few year of my new partner ship i was a little suspect about my new girlfriend and didnt compltly trust her. i felt insecure. It does get easier though and there is light at the end of the tunnel. You keep on moving forward and dont look back there is some one for everyone out there. One major word of advice i would give you is dont start dating until you are 100% over your ex. you will know when this time is . best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): How are you going backwards? You have good memories and its hurts, you are wounded. Of course its going to take time to heal. Does it go away, yes... Eventually. There is no magic wand to fix this. However time, (great healer that it is) will help.
You have taken a good step by writing here and the actions you have taken acted with dignity and intelligence.
So how do you stop thinking about her? (hmm like saying to someone when climbing, don't look down) Best techniques i know are keep your head busy, read, play video games etc. Distract yourself, if she creeps into your head, think of your ideal car. every single detail from the colour to the interior, once you have done that, think of the garage.
The only true advice is this; Look back, just don't stare.
Star.x.
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