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female
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anonymous
writes: So I have been with my Guy for a total of six years, 3 of those years we been married. We have just fallen apart. He has always been really insecure and always has had jealous issues. (I couldn't have friends and if I did go out with friends I had a time limit and if I took longer than he thought I should have he would call me names. You get the point). Well I had enough and decided to put my feet ont he ground and realize he is not going to change. So last year we had seperated but got back together. It's been 9 months since we got back together and things just get worse. So I told him we had to split for good and go our seperate ways. I told him that is the best for both. He refuses and he says it's not the best. He says things will change. I can't take any more and I am very unhappy. I care for and love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. He says that fixing things will make me fall in love all over again but I refuse to think that will ever happen. What I want to know is how can I make him see I'm not happy and this is the best for both? We have signed paper work and I had them ready to take to the court office and he ripped the paper work into pieces. I dont know what to do. I just want to move on with my life. Please I need some advice.Thanks......
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female
reader, brokenarrow +, writes (10 August 2005):
well well well, i have sooooooooo been here!!! this sounds just like my last relationship, which i was in for seven years but gratefully never got married!! i finally got the courage to end it just over a year ago and i can tell you it was the hardest thing i have ever done but the best thing i have ever done!!!
silly girl for going back, but i also understand as well. now that you have got to this point there is no going back. for you own good and his, you need to end this.
me and my ex are now firm friends and just the other night he told me that he understood why i left and that he realises how difficult he was and that he has learnt alot. he is just pleased we are still friends and that i dont hate him for how he treated me. i dont hate him because i let him treat me that way for too long and so i am partly to blame.
you will find it hard at first but stick to your guns and you will only learn and grow and hopefully find someone who treats you with love and respect and allows you to be who you are and not who they want you to be
you may find that he has insecurity and control issues. he wont fix them while you are around.
just be honest and tell him you are not happy and have fallen out of love and that no ammount of promises will change how you feel. you still care about him but you do not see a future with him and that if you stay you will be living a lie.
i wish you luck and i really do know how you feel. just don't forget that it is about you and not about him. he will learn alot from this, as my ex has.
take care. big hugs
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2005): There is nothing more difficult than coming to terms with a relationship that is over and I imagine for you, after six years, this was the hardest decision you have had to make. But you have had the strength to do this and the belief that you deserve so much more than empty promises.
It is not for you to make him realise it is over, or how he has driven you away, it is for you to stay strong and look after yourself until the realisation dawns on him.
You have made the best decision, you deserve to be trusted, to be truly loved and cared for, just like you have done to him. Stay strong and entrust the help from friends to keep you busy and away long enough from him, for him to realise he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him.
Take care x
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A
female
reader, Mom_forever +, writes (9 August 2005):
A controlling man is not a kind of man that anyone wants to be with, so I understand where you are coming from. Maybe try a trail seperation where you live away from each other and both do some counseling. If he refuses than tell him that your done. Don't go back until both of you have done some counseling.
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A
female
reader, womanlyglory +, writes (9 August 2005):
Ok ... The way I see it is this man doesn't know how to love and he has some kind of control over you that is making you feel sorry for him and he refuses to believe that it's over. This isn't fair to you. You may care for him and have some form of love for him, but you need to ask yourself ... is this love on his end? He wants to keep you his prisoner. If he really loved you, he would be getting help on his own and trying to change. He is being selfish. It's what he wants. If he could have it his way, you would stay married to him and put up with his abuse. You're going to have to be persistant and this situation may have to get ugly. You may have to go about doing this with a restraining order or a PFA. If he has some bad issues,they could get worse and he may get physical and put you in the hospital! He already knows you're not happy but has no intentions of changing or else he would have started with letting you go. Don't take pity on him. You're the victim.
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A
reader, becky05 +, writes (9 August 2005):
Well done for seperating from this controlling man.
Why did you go back?
As far as ending the relationship goes, you have sit him down and tell him firmly its over. Get maore paperwork to make it official and keep it safe this time. If you can, move out and do all the necessary arrangements while living apart. Good luck!
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