A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. We had a great life but things started to go down hill after her father died last year in April. In August of last year she told me she wanted it over but then changed things and said we would try again. I thought things were going very well until accidentally I found out she was looking for a new job in another state (her home state). When I confronted her she told me she was leaving me. Then she talked with me about the possibility of her good job offer and even included me in the moving plans. When I asked her if it was okay to let my family know we were moving she said to me: What makes you think you are going anywhere? She then told me she loved me but was not in love with me. How do I win her back and make her love me again? We are still living under the same roof. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I thank all of you for all the great answers. Here is an update. I found out her mom is influencing her decisions by suggesting and persuading her to keep me completely out of her plans to move.
She has told me she wants to be alone yet her signals are confusing. We are still living in the same house and still act like a couple in all areas.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Think her emotions are all over the place and her fathers death will have tested what life means to her - all of it and that includes you and your relationship. She clearly needs space to work out what she wants in life and if you love her then you need to say "Look... I want to be with you and I love you and want you to be happy. You must follow your hearts desire but please just let me know where I stand as I also need to make plans in my life." she is caught up in her own needs but cannot let go of you and the stability she has had. If you don't let her be free on this one she will only resent you anyway. However she must decide and should not leave you hanging.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 Ooh this is a really hard one but I can understand where your girlfriend is coming from as I last my dad last February as well.
Was your girlfriend very close to her dad btw?
Your girlfriend has decided to go home and that is not anything that should be reflected on you. Unless you have experienced the loss of a close family member i.e. your mum and dad and were particularly close to them you cannot put yourself in her shoes. Everyone tells you that they can only imagine what you are going through but the reality of it is that it is each individual person's pain and grief.
They say the average grieving time for a close relative is 2 years so it is still relatively early for your girlfriend.
Does her mum still live in her home state and does she have any siblings at all?
I think she needs to be close to home and that is nothing you can do to change that, she is obviously feeling very disjointed and needs to find her roots again and yes as Smiles has commented to find herself again. You do question who you are when an important role model dies, I know I have. I wished I could pick up the phone and talk to my dad but that just isn't going to ever happen again and the reality of that hits you so hard it is like being hit by what I can only imagine a sledge hammer would feel like, the weight of the world is on your shoulders and even the closest people to you i.e. you cannot understand this pain.
Don't punish yourself, you can only sympathise with her and possibly she feels that she cannot truly talk to you about what she is feeling right now. Let her go but tell her that you love her and that you are there for her any time and don't be a stranger, i.e. let her call you and make the contact, she will but it may take a few months.
I felt like I couldn't be on this site for about 3 months as I needed to heal myself and needed some time for me before I could help anyone else and I think in doing that it meant I came back so much stronger. Your girlfriend will probably be the same.
Just reassure her that whilst you want to help her and be there for her you also understand why she needs to do this, if she feels there could be a future for you both at some point in the future then let her know the door is open right now. Don't push yourself into a new relationship either, give yourself time too. Let her be herself and see where things go after several months apart.
Let her know you love her and that love changes after a long term relationship from being in love to stronger deeper love and that is how you feel about her. Write her love letters or send her compilation CD's of her favourite music and let her know how things are going for you. Don't however force her into contacting you, give her some space and then send the letters, in this way she knows you care and love her but you have given her some healing time to.
It isn't going to be easy for you but you might just have a much richer relationship if you give her some space to breath once again and to be close to her home and her roots.
She will find the path back to you if you leave the doorway open OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): ok, i have the perfect plan.
first of all, its perfect that u live together because this is a really cute, romantic idea. go to that box where you can make all the light stop working, and tell her that there was a power outage. then, u recte to her a love poem about how u feel, then have dinner in the candelight, after dessert, blow out the candle, and say these excact words.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu
"Love is when you look into someone's eyes, And see everything you need." Kristen Kappel
"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners & change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak & hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us". Narrator in The Wonder Years (1988)
then tell her that u have found her, and that she is everything in the world to u, and that u love her w/ all of ur might.
Plan A:
start making out with her and make beautiful love, and i dont mean, just fuck her up and get it over with. be slow and beautiful, lust, make her want you so badly. if shes not the type, refer to plan b.
Plan B:
get down on one knee and tell her, "(insert full name here), i love you, and i want to spend forever with you, will you marry me?" if yes, refer to plan A. Remember to be beautiful.
oh yeah, and during dinner, remind her of how you met, and wat made you fall in love with her, and how she fell in love with u. and if she does want to marry you, than go to her home state with her, because when you love someone very much, you have to learn to make sacrifices for them.
email me and tell me how it went at [email address blocked]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Maybe you should give her rope....."time out", let her go; and come to some arrangement to take stock in 2 or 3 months, down the line, you have been togehter for 7 years, she has suffered the loss of her father, maybe she feels she needs to find herself? Have you discussed this with her?
Anyway, I suggest, you set her free, if she comes back it's meant to be, if not, move on....
Often I have seen and experienced, absence makes the heart grow fonder!
Also the less you are going to fuss aroun her....might make her worried and concerned!
Be strong and believe me, it is not worth holding onto somebody if there is nothing left....the ashes of a cold fire can not warm you!
Best of luck!
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