A
male
age
36-40,
*one_and_done
writes:I need some advice. I have been dating a girl for three years. Half of the time we lived in the same city; the other half has been long distance. The distance has been getting to me. Despite the lack of evidence, I have been: (1) suspecting her of cheating on me, and (2) suspicious of her commitment to the relationship. In response, I have been acting needy, not confident, and insecure. I have asked her to devote more time to the relationship, and I have asked her to stop being so busy so that she would have time for a thirty minute, possibly an hour, phone call per night throughout the week. I asked for these things, and she said she would try. Through all of that, I acted like a wimp. I was whiny. I pouted. I was not confident. I was insecure. Now, because of my actions, I am afraid that she does not respect me and is not attracted to me. I want to know how to make her forget that I ever acted like that. Does anyone have advice? We live seven hours apart, so we never see each other. She is starting her career, and I am still in grad school. Basically, the only contact that we have in between visits, which occur roughly every four to six weeks, is over the phone and via email. Also, she is a very non-needy person. Supremely confident and independent. I am usually this way myself, but I had a breakdown, which lasted approx. 5-6 months. I am out of that situation now. My personal problems are solved, and my life is back on track. Now I just need to get my relationship back on track. Usually I would just let the situation resolve itself, but given the distance, I am looking for ways to project my confidence, security, and independence to her. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 January 2009):
 Let it resolve its self. Your right, that's confidence, but doesn't always produce the result your looking for. Let me ask you something. How would the words "I MISS YOU" make you any less of a man, or less confident. That's what you were trying to say to her, but it was stated different.
You DO NOT always have to be confident and independent in a relationship. At times we all have periods of insecurity, and that's okay, and doesn't at all reduce who we are.
The way you stated your needs seems demanding, which can be taken as a method of control, and not a request of spending time together. Part of being in a relationship and building intimacy is revealing what's under the confidence and strength. Being close and being able to reveal your desire for her is important.
I would tell her, "I'm sorry for the way I spoke, but I really miss you." She knows you, so you really don't have to prove anything she doesn't already know.
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