A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have an important question..How do you know when you've found the right guy? How do you know that you've found the person you can spend the rest of your life living happily with? I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 8 years now. We've never progressed even as far as moving in together. We've never moved forward to the next level and both still live with our parents. But we love each other more than anything. It just always seems to be the wrong time.. or we think about moving away together and work gets in the way etc.. it's like we've been in limbo for years!I love this man more than anything and I know that he loves me. We were the best friends for a year before falling in love and that friendship has only strengthened over the years. We're a typical Dawson/Joey type relationship.. where we know everything about each other. He knows more about me than my own family! He's been there to cheer me up no matter what's gone wrong in my life.. and whenever he's had tough times, I've always been there to hold his hand through them.We spend all our time together, we can talk about anything to each other.. we joke all the time.. laugh.. spend time tramping, swimming, biking together. The only real time in my life I've been entirely happy.. happy to my core.. has been when I've been doing those things with him by my side. I feel like I can truely just be myself, without fear and without judgement. We had a misunderstanding earlier this year, where I thought he was having an affair, but it was just a friend of his that he'd been in contact with more frequently than usual. It wasn't what I had assumed. Being apart for nearly two months after I ended things, I missed him more than I ever thought I could... and the same for him. When we met up to talk things through, his eyes welled up with tears when he saw me.. we both cried.I was wondering if this sounds like IT.. you know.. or does it sound like something that people come across all the time. How do you know whether it's the time to say, "Right Lets Get Married.. I couldn't be happier with anyone else!"Unfortunately, nothing in life is a fairytale. Because this guy's lived with his folks for most of his life, he's grown quite stringent with his money.. and he finds it hard to share.. and I think he's actually a commitment phobic. I want the family, the little home.. the couple of dogs.. the simple life. I need to know this can one day happen for us :(What do you think?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): WOW.. this advice is amazing! Thank you SOOOO much. It has just made my day to wake up and find these wonderful, heartfelt words!
The reason I ask if you think he sounds like THE ONE, is because I met this guy when I was 18 (barely out of school) and so it's easy to take the connection he and I have for granted, since I don't have much of a base of comparison. I wonder whether most people have that kind of connection when they move in with their partner, or when they buy a house, get married etc. I know you've all come from different walks of life and so your advice and different perspectives are greatly appreciated.. it helps me to realise what I have is pretty special and unique!
The poster that commented on "testing" the relationship by changing things is very right.. and this is what I plan to do. We are discussing moving away together in a couple of months to the other side of the world. Or, if a job comes up in the industry I'm newly qualified in, then it may be in a pokey small town, so I could go alone and we'd have a break to see if this is what we really want for the rest of our lives etc. Both options will definitely test the relationship.
Thanks again all!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): You do NOT have to be married or live 24/7 under the same roof to be with someone you love totally, nor do you have to be married to have total commitment as in 100% emotional and physical commitment.....we are brain washed from the cradle to the grave, if and when we are with someone we love, as YOU love your partner, you SHOULD WANT to get married, that marriage is the next step automatically to fulfil this ' Fairy Tale ' image society places on couples to conform.
If you are happy with your boyfriend, and he is with you, WHY do you feel you need to be married?
My guess is, you feel this for the very reason I explain, it's down to conditioning. Just do what is right for you, eight years is good, even though you've had some blips, this is also normal - we cannot expect to be with one person for years and years without any. I'm afraid another fairy tale expectation/myth that one gets married or lives with someone and that's it, you will remain like that ever after.
There are many marriages which don't even last eight years, marriages that are completely void of all emotional and physical intimacy after 25 years. Marriages that make 30, 40 or 50 years with only the first 10 years productive, and some marriages which are full of love and tenderness after 50 years..Therefore marriage it itself is NO indication of what TWO people share or the depth of love they have for each other.
Just enjoy what you have, and the love you and your boyfriend seemed to have cultivated, it's your relationship, and if marriage is important to you, talk to him about, but try NOT to make it the goal..
I wish you every happiness for the future..
Jilly
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy  +, writes (12 August 2010):
Hi,
When I 1st read yr post...I thought "If you have to ask if hes the one..... then he's not!! "
However, You know if he's the "ONE" if you CANT live without him & vice versa. The way that you describe him & yr recent meeting it sounds like he could be the one.
Yes marriage/realtionships are about sharing etc....but for some guys that only becomes obvious once they get married.!!
Why dont you ask him when he would like to get married/have kids etc? Guys in the UK are diff to women here. Most guys dont have a date/time line..whereas women seem to. The guys here just seem to "Go with the flow"
Good luck..sounds like you may have found him.
Let us know how you get on
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): You never know! Only time will tell :-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): I think your love is very real, and very deep. You obviously understand each other and have grown together. However, it sounds like you two have not really grown up yet. Please dont take offense to that, it is OK to live with parents at your age, and I realize you have not listed both of your accomplishments and goals. But it seems to me to be like a high school romance. Many HS romances last a lifetime. Many do not. THe key is for you both to experience life a little more before you commit to marriage. What happens often in your situation, is two people get VERy used to a non-changing, predictable life as youngsters. It feels almost like marriage itself in a way. THen something comes along that changes one or both of your lives. One or both of you get a taste of "the outside world". One of two things happens...either you share the experience and grow from it, or one of you decides the grass is greener and you grow apart. What I'm saying is, it sounds like your relationship may have been in a bubble of comfort and predictability for so long, it may be in danger. The key is to experience more togethger outside your homes and where you live. Take a trip. Move in together. Make a change and test the relationship. Then you'll know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): I think it sounds really quite promising and you should start asking him the questions you've asked us: have we got a future together? etc.
Good luck.
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): I think people cannot help what they are and you have to ask yourself if its him you love or marriage?
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A
female
reader, Black diamond20  +, writes (12 August 2010):
Every woman dreams of getting married but i dont feel you should ask him he didnt ask you because hes not ready or nervous think really hard about that cause marriage can become difficult .what u said about him in the begiining sounds like a great man but when u start accusing a man that pushes them away move out on your own and that will set an hint he probably comfortable at his parents house stay cool you still young dont be in a rush u might regret it.
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