A
male
age
51-59,
*R
writes:"Press the button!" I hear you all shout. Press the button and She'll disappear? Oh, if only it were that easy. I want to finish with my mistress. Okay, I'm not gonna murder Her. I'm only trying to murder the 'love' that I thought I had for Her. How to murder your love? And make damn sure it doesn't rise from the grave in the future!I've been married for 17 years and 3 kids. Here's me having an affair for about 6 mths with a work colleague. "What the hell am I doing?" I have not told a sole about my 'infidelity' (such a gentle word for such a cruel action!). But, with your help Dear Cupids, I need the strength to finish with my Lover:The choice of murder weapon? Options: (a) I want to arrange to meet Her; tell Her to Her face that I can't go on with Her. (b) By email? I'm not even sure She's reading me emails now, see Exhibit A, below. (c) By phone? No, I'm no good talking to a bit of plastic. (d) Oh, now this is evil, how about I send Her a link to this page? (e) How about I send a link to this page to both Her and My wife?My nightmare: She doesn't react. No feedback. She shrugs Her shoulders and leaves my words twisting coldly in the air. Why a nightmare? I don't want Her to beg me not to (I'm certain She won't do that). I don't want Her to come back in another year, or whenever. We had a brief 'kissing' affair about 10 years ago. I thought I had got over Her 'dumping' me. But She then started a campaign to get me back about 6 mths ago. Why wasn't I strong enough to tell Her to leave me alone then? Perhaps it's our kindred spirits? Perhaps She knows which buttons to push, either subconsciously or otherwise?The incriminating evidence: I reckon She's been gearing up to dump me (again!) anyway. She wanted a break about 2 mths ago, which leaves about 3 mths since we were last together. Her last email mentioned 'too much, too soon' but She's been happy to chat in work (and giving me inviting smiles in corridors). I'm terrible at reading people. Reading? Hell, the whole wall has to fall on me first, before I normally get the message. But that's just it: I want to be clear with Her. I want to be in control. I want it to end and know that She won't come back (pressing those buttons!). If She's in control, then I'll continue to follow Her instructions. Exhibit A (for Her defense): I screwed up last week (Fri 19 Dec). I was drunk (but not too drunk). I went to Her apartment, wanting to talk. Clarify. But She didn't answer. The next day I admitted, in an email, that it was me at Her door. Said I was sorry. But She angrily replied due to experiences with Her ex-husband and scaring Her daughter. Sh1t, I didn't mean to scare Her. I'm so remorseful, but She won't return my emails now.A Life Sentence: Don't worry, Dear Moralists, I'm paying a price from my conscience. I know I did wrong. I'm trying to stop myself. It does not help that I'm bipolar and the depression cycles drive me to breaking point. No-one to confide in, but you lot!Sorry, for presenting a lengthy case. Be my jury, Dearest Cupids, or set my sentence. But give me practical advice: how to murder my 'love' for my Lover?
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a break, affair, drunk, her ex, mistress Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (2 January 2009):
 I guess I'm a fan of your questions.
You don't solve your problems by putting another pair of shoes under your bed. Statistics show that 2nd marriages have a higher rate of divorce than 1st marriages do.
Try the gettingpastyourpast website to help you get through the recovery period.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, BR +, writes (31 December 2008):
BR is verified as being by the original poster of the question [UPDATE] Here's my journey guided by my Dear Cupids this festive: (search the DearCupid question list for...)
1. How not to lose your mistress?
2. Is an affair ever justified?
3. How to kill the love?
4. Resolution Number 1 Equals The End of The Affair?
Hoping for a happier new year!
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (27 December 2008):
My foolish friend... when it comes to love, we cannot murder it, anymore than we can give birth to it. The love we feel in our hearts is something that lives beyond our mortal control. Love comes when it comes and goes when it goes. The best we can do it nurture it or neglect it. It chooses of it's own accord whether it will grow or wither on the vine. That's the best advice I can give you on the internal workings. Neglect it. Don't think of her, talk to her, see her. Then perhaps your feelings will fade.
That's my advice for your heart. For your life, you must strengthen and rely on your will. If you want to end things with her then end them in person. Or perhaps as you say, she is gearing up to end it, then why not just let her? The deed is done, who cares about the means? Then proceed directly to the psychiatrists office, get some treatment and possibly medication for your bi-polar disorder and get rid of all the things that remind you of her. Delete emails. Delete her phone number. Do not answer calls, letters, etc. When you catch yourself musing about her... get your mind busy on something else. Change jobs. Change addresses if you have to so she can't find you. If you mean it then get serious about it.
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A
male
reader, BR +, writes (27 December 2008):
BR is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTa, R092.
Yes, I want to plan my 'speech' to Her. Be honest, clear and, by God, finish it! I'm not being cruel or angry about this (apart from with myself). I still want Her to be happy; just not with me.
My fear: She'll immediately go off in a bad (immature) temper and not let me end. I can miserably sit and envisage all such scenarios, but I'll only know when I try. I want to see Her face2face. I want Her reaction. She's very good at withholding her true emotions, which just drives me to seek reassurances and follow Her around like a wee puppy. Yep, She knows my buttons.
A resounding thought: I've got months/years (?) of hell to go through to get Her out of my system (again!). Yeah, I deserve the pain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2008): im not here to judge people so ill try my best not to. you know you've done/ are doing wrong, which is a good start.
really it would only be fair if you told her face to face but if you feel you cant do that maybe try writing her letter, she wont be able to ignore it quite as easily as an email.
in which ever way you choose to end it make sure that you tell her exactly how you feel/ what you think and that she knows you mean it, be gentle but firm!
i know you work with her so you wont be able to avoid her completely but try to stay away from her as much as you possibly can, this should show her that you really mean what you've said. and if you can go away with your family for a week or just the weekend to give yourself some time to get over this and clear your mind.
hope this helps and good luck
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