A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 35-year-old man and my dating history's been more like "close, but not quite dated".I've met people in the past who've been interested in me, then cancelled the date for whatever reason - this was in the late 2000s (around 2007-2009) before dating apps etc. were common. Dating's one area of life experience I've never really had any positive experience of.I'm attracted to both men and women, but gay dating is something I've heard has very different etiquette to heterosexual dating.I only really realized my attraction to men around Christmas 2018.My problems are twofold; where to meet people when lockdowns / social distancing end (I don't use dating apps, especially with concerns over Big Tech) and navigating the gay dating scene.In the past at least twice I've been mistaken for being asexual, simply because I didn't talk about sex in conversation and trying to change the subject to something like food and drink, what's in the news, or business/consumer news; I didn't talk about sex because I'd been taught as a teenager that it was never polite to discuss sex in conversation. Just because I don't discuss sex in polite conversation doesn't mean I'm asexual.Is this a good or bad thing?I didn't really look that much at porn, and the porn I've looked at is probably fairly soft-core for most people (women who model for Marks and Spencers/ASOS, pictures of actresses like Michaela McManus, Shantel VanSanten etc.)I know what I want; a long-term relationship, a safe, comfortable one, I'm not the sort of man who wants to sleep around; for me, sex is an important part of a relationship but not the be-all and end-all.I'm not the sort of person who'd have sex on a first date either.With women I know the types I'm attracted to; the very feminine, "girly-girl" types of women, mainly well-educated and/or posh. I'm attracted to American/Canadian women (who are the type above) but that's been something I've had for years (since I was a teenager when I visited the U.S.) although where I am, not much chance of meeting them - the few American expats who are here are mostly married or older.As for the types of men I like, I'm attracted to American men, that's certain; but I think I may be attracted to "bear" (i.e. slightly more bearded etc.) and very masculine men, but I've occasionally swung towards more feminine men too. However, one thing is certain, I'm a virgin (embarrassed to admit that) and I'm inexperienced in relationships.My problem is meeting people, especially in LGBT culture - I once went to a gay bar and it was dead (on a Wednesday afternoon around 3 years ago in the run-up to Christmas), I was the only person drinking there, even though it was open from noon onwards.I don't use gay dating apps or any dating apps at all, is it wrong that I'm a little skeptical of them because of things like Big Tech and having heard stories about data breaches etc.? Am I wrong to be more old-fashioned in my sort of dating, having a few dates, not dating multiple people at once, knowing what I want in a relationship?I'm wondering if I'm too behind the times and more like someone from 2007 than 2018-2021 when it comes to dating?My question is basically "how to improve my dating life, and how to understand the gay dating scene".I would very much welcome advice on this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Metobe  +, writes (5 July 2021):
 Hi You, thank you for sharing your story. You sound like you've spent your whole life on the quest to find a partner who is for you and with you. That was my ultimate life goal, to find a partner. I used tinder for a few years, and dated a few men which hurt me badly, but believe it or not, last year in May 2020 I met my now fiancee on tinder. All I can really say is, try and adapt a more open mind to the dating scene, you really won't know what you may find hiding around the corner or in the next swipe (tinder). 2 of my other friends have met their husbands over tinder. I am not praising dating apps (some can be pretty embarrassing and terrible experiences over those apps), why not try e-harmony? People on that site are serious about finding a partner to marry one day. Adapt an open mind. And if things open up more in the UK try and do new hobbies, you might meet someone new that way. Best of luck! keep your chin up. M
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