A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like someone to tell me how to fix a relationship with my partner thinks that I am the one to start every argument. He has not noticed any of the things that I have improved upon in our relationship, and he thinks that he has changed completely, for the better. But when it comes to certain things, he gets upset and blames it on me… I was the one who started it.We’ve been through absolute torture because we contracted an incurable new illness that is still under investigation by the CDC. We contracted it through the building we were living in - the list of symptoms are long and terrible and very debilitating, so much so that we have been recovering for almost one full year. To make a long story short, it has no doubt put an extreme strain on our relationship, and it is amazing that we are still together.But what do I do when he thinks he’s always right, and I am always the one causing the argument????It doesn’t help matters that because of our illness we are indigent and destitute and together in a studio apartment 24/7. We suffer a great deal of debilitating symptoms, aside from physical ailments, we also have extreme depression, chronic fatigue, etc. Financial issues are a big problem. Neither of us being able to work is terrible. His mom is supporting us, and we hate that. We used to live on the beach, and now we're stuck in a studio no where near the beach. I am an artist who has no way to do my art because no supplies and lost everything we owned in the infected apartment building. He’s bettering his life by going to school online… something I urged him to do and I supported him all along. I was there for him through all of the really difficult times in his life, including getting off of prescribed pain meds from a heavy handed doctor (he has a severe back injury).He never sees the improvements in me or the efforts I have made toward working on things that upset him. He says I have made no changes at all. In arguments, he's famous for bringing up past really bad arguments between us. When I point out how much I have helped and supported him, he thinks I'm throwing it in his face! And he’s really good at picking insults that he knows will stab me right in the heart - he has a really good knack for that. And then when my reaction is to call him an a-hole or a curse word, it's like I'm the one who's committed the crime... that’s when he says I’ve caused the argument!!!! I try to tell him to think why I called him that name... it wasn't for no reason, it was because he said something hateful to me to set me off. He knows what to say to make me see red and fly off the handle. But he can remain calm and cool if I say something back to him, and he says he doesn't care what I think - his reaction is arrogance, and that it wouldn't bother him what I thought of him.…I get the "well, if you feel that way, no one's forcing you to stay... maybe we shouldn’t be together then” or he calls his mother and tells her that he wants me out! Funny thing is that I have defended him to the death to my mother, who cannot stand him (she's very stubborn and has never accepted him as my partner and love). And then later he tells me that he loves me and he doesn’t want me to go. And around and around we go….We've been together for years, but I want happiness, as does he, and we both deserve it. We can't imagine being without each other, so we do want the relationship to work. We are destitute, so we can't afford counseling, etc...Help to tell me how get out of this vicious cycle and get our relationship on the good track. I love him and I know he loves me…, we've been partners through thick and thin. I want the relationship to work, but it can’t be happily ever after if we continue fighting all the time!!!HELLLLLP! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (1 December 2008):
 This is a very very difficult situation with no magic solution. Being together 24/7 is difficult enough without all the problems you speak of.
For one thing, ask him if he really believes he would be better off alone in this little hovel. This situation is almost impossible to keep a positive attitude. Sounds like it would take a miracle for the situation to improve if you are both dependent on others to help you just to survive.
Can you both get SSI? That would help financially a little. What about finding a different place to live? A place not so depressing. Would a halfway house be something to consider? You two need to find a way to change your physical environment so that you are not in a prison together. This sounds like a prison.
I hope others have an idea how to get out of this rut. Obviously the conditions you both live in are a huge strain on the relationship. Finding a different environment would improve things for sure. Good luck.
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