A
male
age
30-35,
*rientalguy
writes:One early summer night, I met him – the guy I barely talk to at the gym at a bar. He grabbed my head and tried to kiss me, I turned him down, that was how the things between us started.About him: He stands out from people by his height and his gorgeousness. About me: I overheard a friend talking w his friend about me: “hes the most handsome Asian guy I ever seen.”“Have u looked around?” The girl asked.“I absolutely did.” The girl agreed. Or course it’s not true, but’s how people think when they look at me.As a low - self esteem person, once or twice I asked: “Why me when guys are out there?”“I really don’t know, ur just good looking, sweet and funny.” So I try to comfort myself that i deserve, but I still feel like nothing compared to him, every time I c him, my heart beats so fast, I act like a fool. We had sex, it was his first time with a guy, even when we had had a chat about him not wanting full sex with a guy ever, we did everything, bareback. I woke up in the morning watching him sleeping in my arms, I felt so right, a feeling I never experienced.I’m melted, not only by his appearance, but also by his sense of humour, his sweetness.“I always get nervous every time I see u.”“Me too.” He said. “And you were sweeter to me when we haven’t had sex, the first time we met, I talked about my insecurities, u held my hand.”“Look, im always sweet, and I would always hold ur hand, like I am right now.”We just spent the whole night hanging out together, he had a serious talk about wanting me but casually, not emotionally and frequently… no strings attached… no boyfriends… we r all gonna marry a girl someday… having fun in the meantime. Since I met until now, i always try to hide my feelings but somehow he knows. More than one time he suggested us be friends, cos he doesn’t wanna c my feelings get hurt, as he sees my face when I witness him going home with girls. It happens usually, even on the same day when we just 1st had sex – I can’t describe by words how bitter I felt. “If you don’t feel good seeing that, just tell me, i will try to stop, I never mean to upset you.”But I always acknowledge that the moment I reveal to him is the moment I lose him so I act like I’m fine.Seems like I gave this guy the power to destroy me, my feelings can easily be led up and down, I feel desperate waiting him text me back, and once he does, im like revived. I pretty much can’t focus on anything but thinking about him all day and feeling low, I know I lost myself to him completely. Now I have 2 answers need to be answered:How can I be myself? Sometimes when I relax, I talk and laugh naturally, that’s when I feel like im really attractive to him, noticing him looking at me secretly. I heard this: “People love you for who you are.” So teach me how to be who I am, so maybe someday he will fall for me ^.^How to hide my feelings? Cos it makes things less fun now. If I will never be with him, it’s a part of life I have to accept, but I enjoy his personality and care about him a lot, and no matter as a lover, a sex buddy or a friend, I wanna c him as much as I can.Help me, dear CupidsFrom the one who has never been in love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): As you say, everytime you express your deep feelings, he backs off... He's admitted that he isn't into a relationship and you don't know how long it'll be, 5 years, 10 years , maybe more, some people live their lives never seeming to settle down, a couple in my family. maybe it's just who he is but don't live your life waiting around for him to find himself- this is all so new to you; ( and him)holding someone in your arms for the first time, holding hands, enjoying the overpowering whirlwind of emotions of your twenties, the exploration and discovery you experience- with new significant others. And you do know that everyone pretty much has a nervous complex when they're waiting for a text from that certain someone ? Haha :) of course not all, some are just supremely self reassured... My advice go out have fun, try new things, persue hobbies, cause when you meet shedloads of new people, you're guna fall for many more- some people break hearts as a hobby, where as some want exactly what you want, truly. We're all different and captivating in our own ways, just be true to yourself, live by your OWN morals, instinct and we all get taken for a ride sometimes, be proud of your strengths :) Take care :) x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): You're falling in love. You're in that state where nothing makes sense and you just don't know how to behave. It's like you can step outside of your own body and look back at yourself. You have "spring fever!"Been there and done that. First of all, the feeling passes and you come back down to earth. Or you should. I define the euphoria you're experiencing as "in love with being in love." Get a grasp on things or no one is going to take you seriously. You don't want the reputation of being a space cadet.You are fascinated with your friend's good-looks and your feelings are purely superficial. He knows it. That's why he isn't taking them seriously. You're living in a fantasy world and you need to settle down just a bit.You are young and you like hearing compliments about yourself. You claim you don't believe it. Please!!!!You exhibit a bit of false-modesty; acting polite, and as if you don't have a clue what people see.You put on an unconvincing act, as if you aren't aware. You love the compliments; so you may as well admit it; just learn to take them graciously. Pretending that you don't believe them, comes off as phony. Just blush and say thanks for the compliment. If you don't, a friend or enemy will call you on it. It would come as a surprise if they haven't already. I know gay people!Force yourself to show more maturity. The "school-girl" behavior is okay when you're just a teenager; but it's time to come down to earth and see life as it is. If you want a boyfriend you have to behave more like an adult.Your friend notices that your behavior around him isn't congruent with your chronological age. That's partially why he will not agree to a serious and committed relationship with you. He would probably think differently if you behaved in a more mature and sophisticated manner. He may also like girls; so he variates his dating according to his changing inclinations. He "likes" you, and that is the extent of it.That is healthy and positive, and much to your benefit. It is allowing him to make a large circle of friends, establishing a support system, and he will become more in touch with who he is. He isn't confusing casual attraction with love. He has both feet on the ground.He hasn't been mean to you, only honest that he isn't in love with you. He gives you space and encourages you to adjust your feelings down to luke-warm. You're in your own little world; so you're not allowing the right influences in to help you mold your personality. This is necessary to grow up and adjust to your present peer group. People now in their early twenties.He shows you affection and offers you friendship. Take that for what it is, and stop pretending there is a budding romance. There isn't. Accept that he may never want to be your boyfriend, and your feelings will adjust to the fact.You don't have to change for him. You must do it for your own benefit. It's nice to be romantic and have a sunny outlook on things. However; how you're perceived by the guys you're interested in, is just as important. There has to be balance. A serious side and a lighter side.If you can get your head out of the clouds, you'll see things a bit more clearly. He is happy being friends with benefits; and he isn't planning to have a serious relationship with you, or anyone else at the moment. He enjoys being young and single. He is exploring things about himself and making friends. He is growing as a person and so should you. Relax. He makes you all giddy.Try to follow his example and allow yourself to have a more realistic approach to things. Don't dress things up so much. Don't behave like a character in a romance novel. It's the reason you feel you can't seem to calm yourself down and you're going over-board with this infatuation for this guy. Try to meet other guys and make friends with other people to keep you focused on growing as a person, and to distract you from your obsessing on your infatuation over our friend. Get out more and socialize.Find some books about self-confidence, dating, and the dynamics of having a successful relationship. You need to take a more adult approach at life; and stop floating in the stratosphere above this guy's head.You are behaving a little foolishly, and I understand what it's like to have such a crush. I really do. Everyone experiences this at least once or twice. Just don't get too carried away with crushing on the guy. The problem is, it will become an annoyance to him over time. He will start to avoid you.You don't want nor deserve that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 Hoo boy, I feel like I just gave similar advice to another poster here but basically, if you are uncertain as to what you want, you won't ever get what you want.
You have to be clear about this.
You wrote: "We just spent the whole night hanging out together, he had a serious talk about wanting me but casually, not emotionally and frequently… no strings attached… no boyfriends… we r all gonna marry a girl someday… having fun in the meantime. Since I met until now, i always try to hide my feelings but somehow he knows. More than one time he suggested us be friends, cos he doesn’t wanna c my feelings get hurt, as he sees my face when I witness him going home with girls. It happens usually, even on the same day when we just 1st had sex – I can’t describe by words how bitter I felt.
“If you don’t feel good seeing that, just tell me, i will try to stop, I never mean to upset you.”
But I always acknowledge that the moment I reveal to him is the moment I lose him so I act like I’m fine."
So basically you are lying to him. You are pretending to be okay with the relationship but you are lying to him.
He doesn't want to be with you in the way you want him to be. He isn't into you in the way you want him to be. Having sex with him didn't make him into a faithful partner to you.
I feel like I just wrote advice on this to a woman, who wants a man. You are a man, who wants a man.
The problem is that both of you are throwing yourselves into a sexual relationship, hoping that this will somehow convince the man to commit to you.
You had some sort of fantasy that mindblowing sex would bind him to you.
He just was interested in some sex, I think. He likes women and men and has told you that he's going to marry a girl someday.
I think you need to be very clear about what you want, and ASK for it. If he's not capable of being the man of your dreams then the less time you spend dreaming about him, the better, don't you think?
I love this relationship book, A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, PhD, it's cheap as a used book and very very helpful in getting you to see how your expectations meet up with the reality of the person to whom you are attracted.
How to hide your feelings? Don't hide them. Be honest. Be open about what YOU want. Which is a boyfriend.
What you have going on is a FWB and you lying to him. Not a great start.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): being yourself means "don't try to be perfect, you are perfect just the way you are insecurities and all"... he likes you for what you are. commitement to each other might eventually come natural, it has happened to me with a girl too... some times the fun is in that heartbeat when you see your loved one and the time you spend with them regardless of any future... and if it "meant to be" there will come a time (if u don't push it and make him suffocate) that he will be the one who wants u to be his, cuz he won't be able to event think of you in the arms of another person... So, in the meantime stay positive and treasure the time you spend together :)
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