A
male
age
30-35,
*ellecombe89
writes:Dear aunts,I have a beautiful, witty and smart fiancée who has been at my side for five years.Unfortunately, since age 15, I have had an addiction to porn, especially certain fetishes. It has stopped giving me any pleasure or satisfaction but like any addiction, I would keep going to the same websites, probably hoping to retrieve the bliss I first had as a teenager.Around a year ago, porn being too fake, I went on casual dating websites to look at pictures.My fiancée caught me on those websites. This was a betrayal that nearly terminated our long and happy relationship.I have completely stopped going on any dating website and I have been completely porn free for weeks, which I am glad for even though I sometimes feel the “need for porn”, I feel much healthier.I am sorting my life out at last.My problem is the following, my fiancée, though she has forgiven me and still loves me, feels disconnected and unsecure.The fact that I have never known any woman apart from her probably does not help her trust in me.Now that I am taking care of myself, I wish to take care of my fiancée. I try to be available, thoughtful and helpful, however it is clearly not enough, and my fiancée implied that I was already doing all of this before this crisis.Currently I am fighting my reluctance to share my feelings and being more romantic.What advice would you give me to help a woman who was betrayed but who is willing to stick with a man like me?Many thanks
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male
reader, Bellecombe89 +, writes (3 June 2015):
Bellecombe89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo you are.not.getting it right at all
But.since it is.not related to the question I asked I see no need to dwell on your answers. I shall give you this one reply:
Some.people simply.want.to live happy.with the.person they love, but.society put pressure on people, especially men, to accumulate.sexual partners, it took me a bit of time to understand that and grow up. I have had.a very happy relationship since we got back together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Let me get this right.
You two were in a happy relationship then you broke it off to try your luck with other women.
When you realised that you were not great at flirting you got back together with her because you are 'comfortable'? Then you went on dating sites after getting back together?
I don't know about you but that doesn't sound like a solid relationship to me.
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A
male
reader, Bellecombe89 +, writes (3 June 2015):
Bellecombe89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your answers, seems the shrink is the best course of action
I do not mind that my fiancée was my first and only. I actually briefly broke up with her be cause I wanted 'to see the world' but I was unhappy, I'm not into flirting, whereas I feel very comfortable in a relationship with the woman I lov. I'm doing what I wanted and not what other people do or expect from me, ie meeting plenty of girls before settling down
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Are you ready to settle down with her if you have not known any other woman apart from her?
Do you think you subconsciously want to be with other women that's why you went on the dating sites? Do you feel like you missed out somehow and are trying to compensate?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 June 2015):
 You knew that escalating your porn use to include casual dating websites crossed lines that even the most tolerant of women don't put up with. Personally, if I were your girlfriend, I would be asking you what you would have done after looking at these sites didn't do enough, because I've seen guys like you. There are two types of porn escalations:
1. The more exotic visual imagery - more shocking fetishes like simulated rape or shemale or hardcore or BDSM, where the escalator keeps it to porn imagery, but needs more shocking types.
or
2. What YOU are - the full-blown sex addict who's not yet there. People like you start with porn, add a couple of fetishes, and then realize that images themselves aren't enough, so you escalate to dating websites, webcam pay-for-play, then strip clubs, VIP rooms, and then escalate to prostitutes or one-night-stands. People like you are the kind that really can hurt a relationship, and it's not enough to just say "I'll stop". I wouldn't believe you anyways if you said that, even if you meant it when you said it, even if you were most sincere, because you are an ADDICT.
What are you doing to break the addiction, other than stopping the dating website and being "weeks" porn free?? What'll happen in a moment of weakness or when the relationship gets long in the tooth?
It's going to take time and honesty. You start hiding feelings and getting evasive, and it's over. Tell her you are tempted. Tell her you want to use. Who are you talking to BESIDES her to help deal with your addiction?? An addiction to porn needs professional help if it spiraled out of control. The rate of recidivism among porn addicts is frightfully high among those who try to do it themselves, so she's merely waiting for the other shoe to drop, which will most likely happen without you getting help in skills to cope with your addiction.
Right now you're minding your P's and Q's, but even now you feel the pressure building to use. The site yourbrainonporn.com gives a very scientific reason you got hooked, and your age as well had a big part in it. You can't just "stop" when it's been part of your life ever since you hit puberty.
Your fiance will benefit from knowing you're getting help from a counselor, therapist, support group, accountability, etc. If she sees you doing more than merely saying "I'm stopping" or "I've stopped", then time will work in your favor.
She also has to be mature in the face of your temptation, meaning she needs to cope with you saying "I'm struggling" without taking THAT as a betrayal in itself, which I'm guessing why you're hesitating. But you hiding your feelings is a one-way ticket to a mega-relapse where you'll binge porn until you're nauseous with shame afterwards.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 June 2015):
 The fact that you have recognized your addiction and are actively working to get past it is a great step in the right direction. Remember that you are VERY lucky to have a second chance - many women might have found the dating sites a dealbreaker - and act accordingly. You've broken the trust that your fiancée originally placed in you, so you should plan and expect to be very transparent about your behavior going forward from this. She's likely to say and do things that make you feel like she is checking up on you - asking where you are, who you are talking to, or what you are up to online. Now that you've given her good cause to ask these questions, they're no longer inappropriate/controlling things for her to ask.
Each relationship is different and each couple has different thoughts and boundaries on privacy, but if I were in your shoes I would take the lock code off my phone and allow her access to my social media/e-mail accounts if she so desired. If you trust her enough to make her a permanent part of your life, virtually nothing in there should be so privileged that it would be calamity for her to see it while verifying for her own peace of mind that you aren't still perusing dating sites. If you have nothing to hide, there's no reason to keep anything hidden. This isn't something that she can cope with overnight and healing your relationship is going to take some time, but the more open you can be, the better and more quickly you can illustrate that she no longer has reasons to distrust you.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward.
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