A
male
age
41-50,
*anicheanmonkey
writes:Early this year, an old friend from high school reconnected with me after fifteen years of absence. I was at the time recovering from a harrowing illness and was out of work, so as time and health allowed, we took our kids to hang out together. She was one of the very few friends I had that stuck around when I was too sick to function and my life had otherwise fallen apart.She confided in me about her husband, who was very, very controlling. He wanted her to put on weight and dress unattractively, belittled her often, and got "scary" when mad. He works from home full time, so he's always there. There had been an "incident" involving a male friend of hers that had taken her friendship as flirtatiousness and made some advances. I don't know details, but her husband apparently went ape and blamed her rather than the other guy. I did my best to tell her that she deserved better treatment, and while she agreed, she feels that she has no alternatives -- she's been out of work for years and didn't feel she had a well-paying job skill set to begin with.Anyway, last month the other guy came back into her life somehow, and while again I don't know details, it seems he stepped over the line again. My friend wrote to me that all was very unwell in her household, that she was in a "domestic pickle" and had to "regain" her husband's trust. She was highly stressed and said she could not get together until this was resolved.Last week she wrote me and told me she was very ill. She'd lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short period, piled on top of myriad nasty symptoms. Her last message said she was pretty sure what was going on, and was going for medical testing to be sure and would keep me in the loop.And then the messages stopped.I sent her a message this morning to see how she was doing and if there was anything I could do to help. After her support during my illness I want to do what I can, you know?The email bounced back. No such address.I tried her other email address. This also bounced back.Her facebook account has been deleted.The next logical step is a phone call, but I'm very afraid what would happen if her husband finds out I called. I don't know what to do. She's incommunicado, and I sincerely doubt it's voluntary. She needs friends now, more than ever, but she has no access.One thing that complicates this further is that I am a man. A married man, no less. My relationship with her is strictly friendship, but I have a hard time believing that her husband would be understanding of this.Even worse, all friends I have in common with this lady are also men. I know of no one who could safely contact her to find out just what's going on!I know what it's like to have a controlling, abusive spouse during a time of debilitating illness and being unemployed and unemployable. I know because I've lived it. I won't lie to you, even the strongest personality will crumple under this pressure. I feel like waiting for her to resolve this without any support, waiting for her to contact me, would be abandoning her at the worst possible moment -- after she was there for me, no less. On the other hand, I feel like contacting her would put her in jeopardy.I don't freaking know what to do. And so I'm seeking help and advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation, either from the friend's perspective or from the perspective of the person abused and/or ill.Any prompt advice will be appreciated!
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male
reader, manicheanmonkey +, writes (28 October 2010):
manicheanmonkey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor various reasons I shan't go into, no, I don't think I had anything to do with her contact cutoff. Our contact has been fairly infrequent of late, and always innocuous.
FWIW, I agree with you on my course of action. There's nothing more I can do right now but chew my nails and worry for her safety.
I hate this. When I was both sick and going through very bad marital problems, she didn't abandon me. It would have been easier and from a certain perspective (not mine) "nicer" for her to have done so. Then again my wife even at her worst never dared to "take away" my email privileges.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): OP have you even considered that your interference in this already might be the reason she's been forced to cut contact? That perhaps your contact with her is what set off this chain of events? That maybe what little freedom she had is now gone because you took too much of an active interest in her personal life?
Again I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just saying even the most well intentioned interference can have bad consequences for her. You could be making this worse instead of better by trying to help.
Maybe this is one of those cases where the nicest thing you can do for her is stay out of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I'm not disagreeing with you OP, it's a tough situation but you know from your own experience you have to reach out and get help, you have to help yourself.
If she's not willing to take those steps, or even if she's unable then there's nothing you can do.
As heartbreaking as it is, she has to help herself. If she's sick she goes to the doctor and gets treated, if he's an asshole she leaves him.
I know I'm making it sound easier than it is, but at the end of the day those are the solutions to her problems, if she hasn't done them or won't do them for some reason then there's nothing you can do.
I know you feel for her but you know there's nothing you can do but sit back and wait. All you can do is hope she finds the strength to pull herself out of it, or really want to. Then you can help her find shelter, accommodation practical useful help at the moment she doesn't want that.
All that's going to happen is you're going to get sucked into her misery, powerless to stop it, all the while watching her do nothing but let her life get destroyed by this asshole. You sound like a good person and as a person who's been in a similar situation my advice is to create some distance, although as you can tell from my previous post the woman I knew wasn't exactly 'innocent' she made her own mess and wanted everyone else to sort it out for her.
The more you get sucked into this the more pain you're going to endure, you've gone through this before and you're going to go through it again by proxy. If you interfere in this too much then you just become another man trying to control her life the same as him, with better intentions but the same nonetheless. She has to find strength in herself to end this or she'll always go back to him. I've seen this time and time again.
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A
male
reader, manicheanmonkey +, writes (27 October 2010):
manicheanmonkey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd so what if she's not "innocent"? Would this give her husband the right to terminate all her contact with the outside world? Especially when seriously ill? To control every aspect of her life?
Against all good sense, I went to her house today to see if she were okay. She was not. She was quite visibly ill; separately she was an emotional wreck. She kept her eyes to the floor and spoke in a monotone, telling me she'd been forced to cut contact not only with her male friends, but her female friends as well. Rarely have I ever seen a more beat-down human being. Seeing it on my friend, who has always been bright, bubbly, and snarky, was downright heartbreaking.
I don't care what she's done. No one has the right to control another person like this, to beat them down emotionally, and especially when they're sick! When you're in the midst of serious illness, your emotional barriers and defenses no longer exist. You require reassurance to know that you're still a valid person, worthy of love and respect. You need to know it just to keep the will to live. I know this from very hard personal experience. And she's getting none of this. I've met her husband a few times, enough to recognize a jerk when I see one, but I didn't realize he was this big a jerk.
I doubt my visit made much of an impression. I wish I could do more but unless anybody has any bright ideas I don't think I can do more for her unless she reaches back to me or someone else who can help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): This is a tough situation for any friend to be in but the fact of the matter is there is a lot more to this than you are aware.
You really only know her side of the story in all this and this might sound selfish but you have let her deal with this on her own because there's nothing you can do.
Something tells me she's not an innocent party in all this. Twice she's gotten mixed up with another man who she says "made inappropriate passes at her" there's no smoke without fire, especially twice. That guy is unlikely to have mistaken plain old simple friendship as a sign of flirtation. Not even the first time unless she led him to believe that was the case, I'm not saying it isn't possible once but she let it happen again. That says she in some way enabled it.
You came here looking for a way to help her because you can't figure out a way to do it on your own, you know why that is? Because there's nothing you can do. You can't break down her door and carry her out of the house.
You really don't know enough about this situation at all, I have a feeling it's not what you think it is. If he was really that bad she would have left or will leave eventually. You can't live her life for her.
Reading your post I can see another possibility in this, perhaps she's exaggerating the situation, perhaps she's been flirting with other guys or has cheated on him and he demanded she cut off all contact with these guys or he'd leave her. Why would she need to regain his trust otherwise? Unless she did something to make him not trust her. As I said previously she got hot and heavy with this other guy and even after her husband found out about the first time she decided to do it again when she could have easily prevented it.
I could be wrong but so could you. I would definitely stay out of this it's not your concern. You can't help someone unless they ask for it, if you try it will just blow up in your face because you don't know enough. For all you know he could be a nice guy driven mad by her infidelity or she herself could be abusive towards him, they could just always be fighting, both equally to blame for arguments. Perhaps she belittles him too, or perhaps she is just looking for attention from another man. Perhaps she sold this story to that other guy she got too close to, perhaps that's just her thing.
You don't know enough and frankly getting involved in this could be disastrous for you. You want to help then the only thing you can do is wait, see if you hear anything else or if she contacts you again otherwise just get on with your life. This good samaritan feeling you have will eat you up because you really are powerless, if her life is that bad then she'll have to sort it out herself and until she asks for your help there is nothing you can do.
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