A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my boyfriend's best female friend. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and known him for two years. He met her about a year before he met me. They lived in the same college hall the year before he met me, but then she moved away so I've never actually met her myself or talked to her, but they talk quite often. About a year ago, she invited him to go on an overseas trip with her (even though she had a boyfriend, who wasn't going) and he seemed to think this was fine and couldn't understand why it bothered me. He didn't end up going because I told him I couldn't handle it if he did go and he decided to stay home. I felt better when she had a boyfriend because he was uncomfortable with their friendship too, but now she's single so I'm back to feeling like a crazy jealous girlfriend.She flew down to visit him and some of her other friends a year ago and ended up sleeping on his couch and they spent quite a lot of time sitting on his bed watching tv shows. (We were in an LDR then, as we are again now, but the distance will be ending for good in a month). I also know that he spent a night in her bed while they lived in the same college, but he swears nothing happened between them and we weren't together at the time. She's moving back to the same city as him next year, at the same time as I'll be moving in with him which means I'll have to meet her. For the record, I don't want to stop him spending time with her, and I actually really want her to like me, but I'm still a little uncomfortable with their relationship.Anyway, the current problem is, she's flying back to visit him and other friends again in a couple of weeks and may end up staying at his place again. He hasn't even told me about it yet, I only know because one of his flatmates is a girl who likes me and dislikes his female friend, so she let me know. I don't like the idea of her staying at his place again, especially given her new single status. I would never ask him not to let her stay there and seeing as he doesn't know I know, I can't exactly voice my concerns to him. Sorry for the long rant, but does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with this friendship gracefully rather than freaking out about it all the time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Communication, communication, communication.How does your boyfriend not share that his best friend is visiting him and probably staying with him in that period? Guy or girl - this is pretty basic information you share with your partner right?Is it because he forgot? I doubt it.Is it because he wants to be in a relationship with his best friend? Maybe (I doubt it)Is it because he doesn't want to stir trouble by telling you that she's visiting him? Probably.I can only guess, but you have resolve this lack of communication.You sound like you trust your bf so that's good. Re: his best friend, you have to meet her and hang out with both of them BEFORE you move in with him.I'm not sure whether you've found a job / study programme in his city or you are moving specifically to be with him. Hopefully it goes well...But in the worst case scenario, what if you really don't get along with her, and find their friendship really uncomfortable. What if in this scenario, he decides that she's been there for him through thick and thin and there's no way he'll change their friendship dynamic to accommodate your desires? What then? You'll be stuck.My advice is meet up and hang out with them both so that you know exactly what you are in for and whether you are happy with the arrangement. If you find that after meeting her you still have doubts / uneasiness about their friendship then it's a bad idea to move in together before you resolve this. Call me old fashioned, but moving in is almost akin to marriage. You share your lives in every sense except legally. And when you share your lives in every sense then external friendships that undermine you as a couple go out the window - no questions asked. When you live with him, you have the right to ask that he not spend with people that cause a rift between the two of you. If he's committed, he would want to get rid of her anyway if it makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise he better do everything in his power to help you get to know her and have a friendly relationship with her too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Hi,I wouldn't feel threatened by a girl who is just a friend. They have a close bond as friends, but I imagine that most siblings do, too... I mean it's normal to feel jealousy but we all have friends, most friendships are above board and nothing sinister, just close friends.One of my close friends is gay and has a husband, and there are NO feelings between us at all! We spent the night in a hotel once together but it was NOTHING sexual... long story short we got locked out of our houses, hehehe we just sat up and talked about music all nightHe's WITH you, not her... he would be with her if he had felings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, YouWish. Him sleeping in her bed did happen before he met me. He does talk to her about our relationship problems but as far as I know, he's never been interested in her. I'm not sure whether she's interested in him as I've never met her. The female flatmate doesn't bother me because her boyfriend also lives with them and they are very dedicated to each other. I also know she's not my boyfriend's type, but as for his other friend, I don't know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): He's already living a girl (the flatmate) and that doesn't bother you. So why are you so bothered by his friend staying with him?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I'm a bit perplexed here. Most girlfriends would have more of an issue with his living with a female flatmate, so I'm curious as to why you didn't name her as the one that makes you uncomfortable. If the one living with him is his friend who likes you as well, why then is this other girl who is NOT living with him freaking you out?
I think I know, and no, you're not a crazy girlfriend here. It's one thing to have friends who are female, but there are boundaries that must be observed by even the most platonic of friends. They've crossed these lines while he's been with you. Let's review:
1. He slept in her BED. What the hell?! If you two weren't together then, that's one thing. But if you two were together, and it was LDR, then No. No way. I would have dropped the guy if I had heard he was spending time in another woman's bed, no matter what happened.
2. She's asking him to go overseas with her. Umm, unless they're part of a larger foreign exchange class and this was part of an education for a foreign language, this is inappropriate. Another girl shouldn't be asking a guy who has a girlfriend off to a multi-day trip overseas alone with her.
You didn't mention whether or not there were feelings between those two. If there was any past crush either on his part or on her part, then it doesn't work. Platonic means NO sexual attraction, past or present.
IF there has never been any feelings between them other than platonic past or present, then sure, he should have a friend provided there are ground rules. First and foremost, he needs to be honest with you. That means if they want to hang out, he doesn't do it on the sly. Second, they can't be texting and talking about things they wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of you. That means she is not the person he talks relationship problems with. That is the back door door to an affair, bonding over the difficulties and petty arguments you two will have in the course of your relationship. Third, no overnight stuff. No "romantic" crap. He doesn't "take her out" or buy her gifts unless it's something kitschy and non-intimate for her birthday. No flowers or jewelry. Also, he should ask you out with her sometimes as well. That actually makes things easier if she likes you and you two hit it off. Personally, I wouldn't dream of touching a good friend's boyfriend and would kill all feelings for him if they cropped up out of esteem for her.
Other than that, be secure in yourself. You always have the choice whether or not to be with him or not. Never ever let yourself get desperate enough to try and keep a guy. Remember, he chose you AFTER he met this other girl...while I'm a bit dubious as to her feelings for him, one thing is certain -- he chose YOU when he could have chosen her.
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