A
female
age
41-50,
*asafras
writes:Recommendations as to figuring out why it bothers me so much and how to get past it? I ask because it really bothers me when I am in a relationship and I know my significant other is viewing pornography. I'm realistic enough to realize that this will likely always rear it's ugly head and I'm just so tired of how upset it makes me.It's not that I want to view it or anyone else wants me to, it's that I don't want to feel so heartsick knowing my partner wants to.I know self esteem is key, but I am wondering if a control issue might be tangled up in there somewhere.A bit of history as well; as a child I had a small collection of porn that I found laying along my rural road. I was also able to see my parents having sex through a crack in the floor directly next to my bed. I did not masturbate while viewing or thinking of either, although I did begin masturbating in the shower and I think it may have been spurred by those events.My father found my collection and caught me looking through the crack in the floor and I was heavily scolded for both. I always wonder how those events have affected me in my adult life.(Sorry for the repeat question, I wanted to add more and I'm looking for as much advice as I can get.)
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male
reader, Krathor18  +, writes (22 May 2009):
 Right well firs thing's first, Pornography is not what it appears, it's pretty much all fake and acted out on scripts and edited etc, so it's pretty much rubbish, your boyfriend might look at it still because it can be a natural thing for most males anyway, (i admit i view it myself the odd occasion) but it can spice up sex lives sometimes, but it can also give off the wrong message too, or he may just miss you and watch porn to ease some of that sexual tension if any, however if he watches it like every day, you might need to have a sit down with him, or just try and make things more fun for you both in the bedroom, and believe me, your not alone in the fact that people masturbate and look at porn young etc, it's natural, youll be alright dear.xxx. take care,Charlie.x.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): the obvious thing is because your dad stole your collection that you now feel guilty about it - e.g. he made it bad in your mind.
i would suggest you learn to just gently accept it - bit like me with guns - ok its there, but i don't have to run around shooting people.
if you have a partner and he \she likes porn then maybe get him to watch something gentle with you. Maybe even something that isn't porn... but like a sexy mainstream film...
star.x.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): Hey there,
First of all, just because porn is mainstream doesn't mean that you have to like it. That is, if you feel uncomfortable with it, then it's normal and okay. Now, of course, as you said, you're realistic enough to know it'll be present in most relationships, in one way or another.
Ok, so with this in mind, you must rationalize why it makes you upset. Maybe you associate it with the events that occured when you were young, maybe not. Maybe you just don'y like it. Anyway, it doesn't matter much, as you need to get over the upset it causes. I'm still not able to get over it fully, but I reckon I feel better now than I did before.
Maybe it's because my partner doesn't watch it a lot, at least that I know of. I prefer not to know. I've told him how I feel about it, and asked him to please keep it as hidden from me as possible. It works. He's crazy for me when it comes to sex, I feel loved and if the porn's out of sight, then it's also out of mind. He's also told me that he watches it only when we haven't been able to have sex, or when he wants to get ideas, but that he thinks of me when he masturbates (I don't know if this si true, but I don't care). I've realized that all men fantasize and like to look at other women naked, no matter how much they love their partner, or how attractive she is... they will always look if there's something sexual or if there's a naked woman. Always. And most likely they will enjoy it. They will always fantasize about others.
I'm not like that. I don't fantasize about others, but I must accept and understand that men are different and thus, I can't expect them to think or be like me. Even if I don't feel totally comfortable with this idea, I think of it as a trade off. He has this thing I don't like, but he has many things that I love. Porn doesn't make him any less loveable. It's just a small flaw he has. Almost insignificant in the grand scheme of things... I'm sure I have small, almost insignificant flaws that make him uncomfortable too. That's what makes us human.
Just relax and ask whoever is your partner to keep his stash hidden.
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