A
male
age
51-59,
*urnett
writes:From a womans point of view: how do I get my ex to fancy me again? We split up 6 months ago (my decision - I felt I couldn't give her what she wanted and rather than stringing her along I respected her and broke it off) but she stayed living with me for 4 months until she found a new place. We remain very close and she met somebody last November who's 25 - she's 35. I realised in January I'd made a massive mistake and have told her I want her back. This really screwed her up as she had it straight in her head that she was going to move on, see this guy every now and then and get on with her life. We talk a lot and see each other a couple of times a week and she constantly tells me she loves me but it's more of a platonic love. She knows I can offer her a future but with this 25 year old she says he makes her feel sexy and, while she loves me, she doesn't feel for me like she should. We've cried over it and she says I've really put a spanner in the works. The last time I saw her was a couple of days ago when I decided to just act a bit cocky and mysterious like when we first met. She responded to this and I caught her looking at me differently. I said she needed time to think and she should call me in the week sometime rather than talking all the time going around in the same circles. Question: is it the best thing to just let her miss me a bit? I guess I've been in her face a lot lately and she's stressed out about the whole thing, so maybe some time apart will show her she misses me, although she'll miss me anyway as we're so close. I've told her I want a future with her as we're so good together, and she's given me the strength to believe that I can overcome my issues about settling down with her and raising a family (this broke us up as when I split with my ex-ex, I never got over her driving off with our 11 month old in the car, hence my problems with starting another family in case it went wrong again). Is keeping my distance a good thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I agree with this except that I don't think you want to distance yourself out of choice. You shouldn't be too much in her face but prove yourself to her by being there for her. x
A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (23 February 2008):
If you are talking and seeing each other a couple of times a week I'd say the connection between you two is still pretty strong. Are you sure this is not just a case of jealousy and wanting what you can't have? I think you need to be really sure. I mean, from your letter... here's what I'm hearing. You have issues with commitment. Things got close with your ex and you got scared, so you withdrew. Now that the pressure's off and she's moving on with a new man, you want what you can't have. You ask how to get the passion back in your ex's eye... but you said you acted "cocky and mysterious" and she responded to that... so basically you know how to get it back. Now it sounds like you are looking to distance yourself again -- and you are fishing for someone to approve that behavior. If you really want her back, stop pressuring her and let her make her own decisions, but show her you are still there for her by not playing games and abandoning her. She needs to know she can trust you over the long run not to run away again.
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