A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had my first relationship when I reunited with a high school friend. I fell in love with her so much that I proposed to her 6 months into our relationship. We lasted a year after that until she moved away to college a few hours away. I always made the effort to see her as much as humanly possible with college (every weekend or so), but she became increasingly paranoid that I was going to cheat on her behind her back since we weren't together 24/7. I would never cheat on my fiancee or even girlfriend ... but it turned into being mirror syndrome on her part. I found pictures of her going out with friends and flirting with random guys - without her engagement ring on.Needless to say she broke it off and tried to play it like things ended with us, and then a few days later this other marvelous guy landed in her lap out of nowhere. They got together and I've been picking up the pieces since the engagement ended.It's been almost a year now, and I heard through friends that she's engaged to this other guy ... which sent me back reeling into a depressive state. It seems she had no problem jumping from one engagement to another, but I feel devastated and devalued.My question is how does someone get over being betrayed insofar that they were cheated on behind my back? I am a perfectly happy single person in my own pursuits, but when it comes to relationships, I can't trust women. I'm once bitten, twice shy. I can't even work up the courage to try to date other girls after having been betrayed by someone I wanted to make a life with. I'm incapable of making the first move, as I don't feel like I can genuinely gauge whether someone is interested in me or just wants to use me. Girls don't go after guys nearly as much as guys go after girls ... so I feel that I'm basically screwed. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): I feel for you. So hard to watch the one you love do this to you. Think hard about why this hurts so much. Of course you love her, but there is more.... what does this tap into? See a good therapist. Try to express and listen to these emotions. Identifying them will help you. Realize what your ex filled in your life. You can end up in a stronger place where you can always remain whole. When whole, you will be an even better partner for your future love.
Even though I just gave advice, I am also seeking it. Was in a long term relationship with someone I have know for very long. She broke it off. We were not happy, true, but I loved her. Couple months later we started to reconnect, but I learned she dated someone a week after she left me. Was a week-long rebound with someone I was friendly with.
But I buried all of this, and in a mad rush we got engaged. No matter how open we now are, I am filled with anger, shame, regret; tempted to call it all off, even though I love her still.
In a bit of a mess for sure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): Well I do agree that for the most part people are very self centered and lack the ability to be intimate with people, but the thing is it takes time to build those kind of relationships, intimacy and caring are built over time as trust is shared....To have a friend you have to be a friend and show genuine interest in othe people including their personal BS, but sometimes you can just change the subject if they go on too much about themselves, what you are supposed to do is after they share something about them, you share something about you.
You can't expect people to go looking for you and dragging you out of your shell all of the time....you have to be approachable.....
It is good to have a healthy skepticism about people, but learning how to set up appropriate boundaries with others helps you to control whether or not you want to open the door and let them in....and that is OK, you just don't want to build walls and that is what you are doing.....walls to protect yourself from others only keep you a prisoner....so open the cell door and get out, otherwise you will choose to stay miserable and alone, don't you see?
Come on, seriously, there are a lot of great women out there who would never cheat, in fact you probably need to learn the type and don't go after the shallow women who are all about themselves.....you may think a more genuinely nice woman is less exciting to you....so change your type and go out with someone who you wouldn't normally go for...you have been choosing the wrong type of woman perhaps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is very lonely. I've already been through therapy right after we split ... That was pretty much a four month black hole in my life. I gained a lot from therapy though. It mostly gravitated around perspective and how badly I was treated. The entire process ended with being wary of other and not getting burned so badly again, which is a double edged sword to say the least.
For the months after that I was incredibly outgoing toward others around me, male and female. I knew everyone around work and took great interest in them. A few friends were gained in the process, but generally what I found was that people don't put nearly as much into getting to know others as I did. No one cared and I was always the initiator. I grew tired of this and fell back to really working and getting things done.
A few people noticed this and made half-hearted attempts at coming to see me with the sudden lack of attention I gave them. Everyone had personal BS that they were blinded with. I find this to be pretty true of most people I meet and don't even make the effort anymore. What's the point in trying to befriend someone if they're just gonna complain about their bum boyfriend, or cute dog, when they don't take a reciprocal interest in you? And then they suddenly wonder why you don't take the initiative anymore?
Maybe I've just given up on people and their ability to take a genuine interest in anyone but themselves.
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (8 February 2009):
 I realize you are upset, and that relationship left a bad taste in your mouth, but try and look at it this way.
There are just as many girls who have been done wrong by some worthless guys. There's good and bad in both.
Try and not crucify one, for the sins of another!
Meeting is easy, but asking out is difficult when you have that attitude. Been there! Just do your thing, and be yourself. In time, you'll get done being mad, hurt, and all that stuff. Believe it or not, girls do ask guys out. Not as much as the other way around, but they do!
At this time, you are probably sending out the message of "leave me alone". Your body language, you whole demeanor. You don't see it, but women do. Just do what you're doing. Make yourself happy. Learn about you! Become your own best friend. I know, it sounds impossible, but really, it's easy! Next thing you know, you'll be happy with yourself, and what it is that you've got cookin', and out of nowhere, there she'll be!
It is at this point, you'll be selective and have multiple opportunities. The real question you'll have is, " who do I want to share myself with"?
You're not screwed, you're in control. You just don't see it yet.
Joe~
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2009): I understand very much how you feel, I have been through a deep betrayal of trust myself and it is most painful, and the worst part is you do start doubting your own judgement and desirability....and it is sad, because really this was due to her character flaws, not yours.
I hope you don't think this is a cop out, but I think what the best thing for you to do is to go seek out a therapist to help you process your emotions and treat you for your depression.....you will get better in time, but don't fight this alone, get some help. It is a sign of strength and intelligence to be able to face up to your fears and get some professional help.....you can start with your medical doctor and let them know what you are struggling with and they can recommend a therapist for you.
Don't let her do this to you, she isn't worth it, and her ability to move on the way she did is no reflection on you, it is her, she probably is a lot more shallow than you are, and she will most likely do to him what she did to you eventually. For some reason cheaters never seem to match up with other cheaters which seems unfortuneate to me because they deserve each other, and there would be a whole lot less good people getting hurt!
There is no cure for this except to rebuild your faith in yourself and to learn to trust someone again....we are all sinners in some way or another so there is never any way to insulate ourselves from hurt when we let our unguarded heart love someone again....but the alternative is rather lonely, don't you think?
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