A
female
age
36-40,
*uscle and Sinew
writes:I'll just get to the point....I've been married to my husband close to 7 years...lately he hasn't been wanting to be that intimate with me. Idk if he's stressed, or just doesn't find me attractive anymore. I've tried spicing things up a bit...nothing...I trying to little spontaneous things...massage his back, send him sexy texts, dress sexy...he just doesn't seem to be into it. This has been going in for a while. I know its normal for marriages to go through this...I thought maybe its me, but I see men look my way...I'm lucky if I get "oh! You look cute!"....I'm a grown woman...I don't want to be told I'm cute...I want to be told, "you look sexy"....what can I do to get our sex life back to the "honeymoon" stage. Help! The other thing…. [mod note: added from second question about the same husband]When I met my husband...he has a friend that was a girl...very close. He would talk to me on the phone really late at night...and if she would call, even if it was 2-3am...she would ask him to go over so they can "talk"....it had bothered me. I had broke things off with him because his mother would tell me things about her son and that girl...when I told him that I was breaking up with him because I felt like seething was going on between them...and I knew in my heart that maybe they're were some sparks. The way they would look at each other...well, he stopped talking to her for me, for us...and that's not what I wanted....years later...my husband and I talked about it...and I told him about everything his mother had said about them...he told me it was all a lie. So weeks later I bumped into her...and I felt like I needed to make peace with her...and apologized for thinking that...well, months later she text me...saying why hasn't he called her, or wanted to get to know her again", "why hasn't he wanted to go have dinner with me..." And I thought...geez. Things can't go back to the way it used to be. We are married and have a children together...she texts me occasionally...but I think it's mostly to stay close to him...this girl is beautiful, intelligent, experiences...she's had an affair with a married man...so she has no limits...and I'm scared...I feel threatened. Sometimes I think maybe the things that his mother did say can be true...to some extent. Everybody in that group was in "love" with her. My husband has a kind heart...a great listener...will give his shirt off his back for you...so my question is, what do I do? I want to talk to my husband about this because I don't have a lot of answers. Things that don't make sense to me....I just need to know the truth. I've never been jealous in my life...but something about this girl...I don't know what it is. Help shed some light! TIA
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female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (15 May 2014):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question I think a big part of it is that we haven't had time for ourselves. We work a lot...and preoccupied with our toddler...we haven't gone on a date for more than 6 months...I was suprised that my husband was all over me the other day...so vulnerable. That hasn't happened in a long time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): Look up love languages and see if you can work out what's happening.
In 10yrs of marriage my wife has initiated sex once. I can barely peck her on the cheek without feeling aroused. to think of her dressing up and doing the things you're saying would be a dream beyond imagination!
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (10 April 2014):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous: thank you for the advice!! That has really helped...though I'm not flattered that she has copied my hairstyle...or if it's a coincidence or not...it was just weird...I just wanted to give an example of strange things that she would do...I guess I was just worried that my husband would become bored with me...and want someone like her...but I guess I just beat myself over something that may it may not have happened a long time ago...my husband cut her out if his life for a reason...so that's my answer. Def not going to answer any if her texts...as for the intimacy part goes...we are working on getting that spark back...taking it day by day!
Thank you!!
m&s
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2014): I would stop trying to initiate sex for now and focus on reconnecting emotionally since as you pointed out - that is missing. Start asking him about his day. Get a babysitter for an evening or send the kids to their grandparents' for a weekend and have some fun! Do extra sweet little things that you know will make him smile - keep it non sexual. If you pile on the pressure, he will pull away. When he's relaxed and happy, tell him that you miss laughing with him and that connection you had. Ask him if he feels the distance too. Ask him why he thinks this happened. Have an open dialogue. Do not accuse by saying he's pulling away, he's neglecting you, he's not fulfilling his sexual obligations etc. You won't get anywhere like that. You're on the same team fighting against this distance. Discuss when things changed, why they changed. Reminisce and agree on a few things you both want to do to reconnect. If that doesn't work then I guess you'd have to ask yourself and directly whether he still wants to be in this relationship... because it doesn't drive itself if you both take a back seat. As for the other woman. It sounds like you think he at least had an emotional affair at some point hence the weird look on his face when you mention her name. Whatever did or did not happen, he decided to cut contact. The choice is now yours to leave the past where it is or to keep talking about her / interacting with her. You sound like you enjoy her jealousy. You sound flattered that she's copying your hairstyle or somehow trying to be you or a part of your life. But is her attention worth the hassle?Just stop talking to her... Your husband has. Why don't you?
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (8 April 2014):
Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous: I feel like there is not emotional connection...we talk...but it's about tv shows, our kids...nothing beyond that. Also, we haven't been on a date (alone) in a looooooong time. So maybe we just need that reconnection...financially we are great! My husband and I are physically healthy...so I'm not too sure what's going on...I find myself trying to be all over him...doing sexy things...wearing sexy things for him in bed...and he doesn't seem to be interested....For the second question: he knew I had bumped into her and that I had cleared the air with her....for him...because I know that in that process much of his friends kinda went their separate was...not because of me...but because there was a lot of drama with that group of friends...I had given her my number so that way we can all go out...since her brother and my hubby are good friends...but lost contact when he stopped talking to her. I just thought it would make him happy...I minus well tell him to go have an affair with her, huh? Haha. I know this sounds weird and maybe too much of a coincidence...but when she made the comment of my pictures on fb...how she loves to look at them...when I would go red in my hair...she would do it too...when I got a fringe (bangs)...she did too...and I say this because she was honest to tell me that she was jealous of me because I took her friend away from her. I had a great best friend...since elementary...I cut ties with him because he was in love with me...and I was worried that it would interfere with my husband...but no where to I dwell on it...like she does, so maybe there was something...when I mention her name to my husband...he acts funny...idk how to explain it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): These questions are separate so i'll deal with them as such.Let's deal with the first question first. Good sex or lack thereof can be an indicator of how much fuel is in your love tank. If nothing's changed recently ie. bereavement, increased stress at work,depression, physical health... then it can only be that something's off in your relationship. So I'd work on reconnecting emotionally. Have a date night, do fun things. Share some jokes. Rekindle the emotional intimacy and the sex will follow naturally.Second question.You opened Pandora's box here, by opening up that channel of connection. Your husband made the decision to stop their friendship and you go and undermine him by talking to her again. In your shoes, what I'd do next time she texts me and asks about my husband is say 'I'm sorry Sarah if I led you to believe that we wanted to pick up were we left off. I was only apologising for any unfair accusations I made in the past. My husband and I now have a marriage and children to prioritise so unfortunately things cannot go back to the way things were. I'm sure there are lots of single men who would love to go for dinner with you or other friends who have more to give you than us.I do wish you all the best. Amy' Then I'd hope she doesn't contact my husband directly. If she does, then you're screwed because you have been keeping secrets from him etc. etc. But then again, you should not have been keeping it secret that you were talking to her. I'd focus on putting the spark back in your marriage. The other woman is only a threat in your head. He has cut contact with her for years. Cut contact with her yourself and forget about her.
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