A
female
age
36-40,
*ovestruck16
writes:I've been dating this guy for a while, things got bumpy in the last little bit of it. So rough, that I lost trust in him due to something that I found on his computer. This lack of trust between him and I led us to fighting 2-3 times every time we saw each other and it was just getting really hard.What I didn't see coming was, he decided to put a break on our relationship..I'm confused because he tells me what he still loves me but he needs time..we're on a break but we're single, and he won't see anyone while being on the break..he has a lot of shit going on right now, and told me that he would like to be back with me once everything is settled, so long as his feelings don't change...I want him back because I know his feelings having changed for me right now, but I hate the feeling of him being single. I want him back, I don't know how to get him back...I'm willing to change for the both of us to make our relationship work, and he knows that...but how long do I wait for him to be 'ready' to hold a relationship up? I love him to death, I really do...I've never felt this way with anyone..but how do I get him back? Do I give him time..? Do I let him go..? I'm just so confused about whether or not he is going to leave me in the end...he told me he doesn't want me to wait because its not fair to me, but I love him so much and I would do anything for him, so in reality - yes I'm going to wait...but my question being, what's the best way to get him back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): I don't know if you both expected to date each other and nobody else. If you had slept together (I'm assuming you have) then the normal expectation is that you will be exclusive. It sounds as if he has "cleaned up his act" in this regard, and that was the main thing that was causing you not to trust him.
Now he has a job - good for him! Once he gets used to his new job and getting his bills paid and living situation in order, maybe things will indeed go back to normal and he may feel more ready to resume with you.
Hopefully, since he seems to be doing better, you can relax a bit and show some patience. Give it a few weeks and see if he calls you or emails. If not, there's no harm in sending him a nice card or email, but without pressure. You can do him a favor by being supportive, and not worrying whether you're going to be an "item" again. If its going to work out between the two of you, why then, it will.
All the best!
A
female
reader, lovestruck16 +, writes (26 November 2008):
lovestruck16 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I didn't have trust him back, but he has changed...he deleted the girl off everything, told her he can't be friends with her...and also has stopped hanging out with girls period...I trust him, but not 100% fully, it was getting there..and he knew it wasn't easy because I have a really jealous personality, and so does he.
He said that so long as he doesn't see anyone, his feelings will not change...he was talking to my cousin, it could be 2 days from now, he has a job now and everything (he was stressing over money issues since he does not live at home anymore and has to pay bills, rent, and groceries) soo I'm hoping that once he has paid everything off, things will be back to normal again.
I know I may be trying to save his ass by telling you this when you just merely gave your opinion, but that is not the case at all..I just wanted to tell you the full stuff before you/anyone give anymore advice. I really appreciate the advice though.
It's so much harder for me, because he is the first guy that I've opened myself up to, and gave him something I never can have back...if you know what I mean!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): Dear lovestruck,
There is a LOT of uncertainty in all this isn't there?
To begin with, trust is extremely important in a relationship. If there is no trust (or very little) things will not last very long between you. As you are finding out. So, the first thing to consider is that HE acted in a manner that caused you to have doubts about his actions, and apparently had no good explanation for them. If he had, then presumably you would not have continued to get into all the ongoing arguments. That's number 1.
Second, he told you he has a lot of issues going on that he needs to deal with and has decided on a "break." He says he wants to get back with you "so long as his feelings don't change." Not very reassuring is it? He can't offer you any guarantees. What if his feelings do change? What then? And supposing he decides to get back with you but has failed to change the behavior that made you lose trust in him in the first place?
Third, why should YOU bend over backwards to make this relationship work when he has that many problems? I know you love him, but you have to set some limits.
Consider him out of your life at this point, and don't try to contact him. Believe you me, if he decides he REALLY wants to make a go of it with you, he will come running! THEN you can consider your situation and see if (I'm talking several months in the future, not in the next few weeks) if you still think having him back is really worth it.
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