A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How to find inner peace and closure when my ex refused to give it?I posted on here a couple of weeks ago. Just some follow up kind words would be nice. My ex broke up with me. Said it was not a lack of love on her part, but that she was having many internal struggles in her life (which is true) and couldn't handle a relationship on top of taking care of herself. Completely caught me off guard and floored me because we both invested so much together. My ex and I said we wished to remain friends one day, but I told her I needed better closure for me to be able to be her friend. That the break up literally blind sided me and I just wanted to be able to talk and understand better. That it's what I needed for my emotional well-being to move on. But she ignored me for two weeks. I called for a couple of days initially after the split, seeking some better understanding, but got not even a text message back explaining she needed time or anything. It was literally like I didn't exist. So defeated, I left her alone after that, and so passed the two weeks. I finally tried to contact her again after two weeks, and she actually answered. We spoke for a bit and caught up and she said it felt good to hear from me and admitted she was struggling with the break up (despite completely ignoring me) and so we shouldn't contact each other much for a while at first so we don't hurt each other needlessly. I agreed, as I'm the type of person who needs no contact to move on. But the problem was that I was still hurting and confused about the break up. I was feeling bitter and angry about not getting the respect of my feelings and need for better understanding met. I was not moving forward like I needed to without the right closure. So I told her I needed that for my well-being. She agreed and said we could talk and she would give me proper closure but that she needed a bit more time? I didn't understand but reluctantly agreed. It had already been two weeks and all I was seeking out was a respectful adult conversation about what happened. Nothing drastic. Just something small and final to help me move on after a very serious relationship. I reluctantly agreed to more time. Another few days passed, however, and I was still really hurting and confused. So I messaged her and told her I was trying hard to respect her feelings of some space, but also be respectful of my own feelings in the process. So I asked for a time frame of about when I could expect this conversation.. She snapped on me in response and told me that she's really struggling with her own life and didn't have the time to worry about my feelings and what I needed and basically stated my feelings didn't matter to her. She said a lot of hurtful things. I was shaken by her response to me. I told her after that, I wasn't so sure I was interested in developing a friendship anymore and that the struggles in her life aren't an excuse to trample me. She wrote back the next day and apologized for her reaction and said she was having a breakdown that night about everything and she was sorry for taking it out on me. And that since I didn't know if I wanted to be friends anymore, she wished me well and said I was a great person etc. I sat on this for a couple of days, as I was really hurt by her initial reaction to me. I finally wrote her back in response to her apology and said she had just really hurt me pretty badly and I just didn't want to be hurt anymore. She then wrote me back and said: "then stop getting hurt. Hope you have a wonderful life. Take care. I might be disconnecting this phone, FYI." Once again, I was floored. I attempted to contact her by calling because I was confused by our exchange of texts and of course, go figure, she ignored me once again. I am beyond pissed, hurt, and angry. Her behavior is erratic and confusing and I don't get it. I wrote an email today attempting to get my closure and move on since she never bothered and all she does is ignore me and apparently speak down to me. But all I ever asked for was an adult conversation. That's it. And she trampled the shit out of me over and over. She ignored me like I don't exist and that's the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. For someone who wanted to be my friend, and who self admittedly still loved me, she hurt me badly. Being ignored forced me into silence. And it left me completely powerless. It stripped all my sense of control away. We can only speak when she decides to. I can only get closure when she allows it. I get no say in anything. And I can't contact her at all because she won't answer. It's freakin cruel and hurts badly. How do you get closure and walk away when someone you loved so much hurts you so badly? Her ignoring me is literally killing me. :/ sorry so long.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2014): I would like to say the articles written here, has been a tremendous help for me. Thank you for all the insights.I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 4 yrs., 4 good years together.Last month, he started accusing me of things that were not true. This got me so confused. Perhaps this was his way of provoking an argument to get rid of me. He became rude and very cold. As if, a totally different person. To make the long story short, in the end, there was no concrete reason he could tell me why he wanted to break up. Note: this was done through email. His last words were "I have no time for you any longer. Live me."Talk about NO closure. None whatsoever.I am very, very wounded and hurting right now. I am in awful state at the moment but I'm graciously trying to deal with my pain. I have shed many tears and I'm sure a lot more will flow. The first thing I did was closed my email account I shared with him to sever the contact between us. There is no more reasoning with this kind of person anymore. I do not have plans to get in touch with him ever.I hope he won't attempt to either in the future. What he did to me is so hurtful and has caused me so much anxiety. So cruel and insensitive.I find peace in praying. Thank God As well, I have good friends to relay on and talk to when my pain comes to me like an assault to choke me.Each morning when I wake up, I tell myself, " I survived another day without you. I'm slowly gaining myself back." To all who are hurting out there like me, continue to do good to others, keeping smiling, you are not less of a person without that someone who left you.Karina MR
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I think I said the same in my last answer to you (in your other post) and Aunty Cindy says it too.
SHE doesn't OWE you closure, she doesn't OWE you friendship - she doesn't OWE you squat.
YOU will find closure your own way. It's not something she can hand you nice and neatly wrapped.
ACCEPT that it's over, accept that this isn't about you. It's NOT that YOU aren't good enough, she JUST couldn't HANDLE a relationship on top of trying sort herself out.
LEAVE HER BE. WIsh HER well (and no, not by calling her, just in your mind) and WISH yourself well. READ WiseOwlE's answer, find YOUR ways of finding peace.
CUt the contact. REmove her from your life in EVERY way you can. TAKE some time with friends and family, don't date a while and figure out what you really want in a woman. The ex obviously had some issues, maybe what you need is a woman with LESS baggage. My guess is also that you LIKE needy women, because it makes you feel like you become her sun and her moon by trying to "fix" everything for her. Mental and emotional issues are something people HAVE to fix for themselves. They have to WANT to fix them.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I think she gave you as much of an explanation as she could. She was struggling to look after herself as well as look after the relationship. She told you she has her issues and she left for her own well being. What more can she say than that?
I know it's painful, I remember my first love leaving me, I remember it all, the confusion, the lack of closure etc. You have my sympathies. It takes a while to get over it, but believe me, the reason she has given is a lot less harmful to the feelings (or as Cindy suggests, the Ego) than some of alternatives (an example: finding out at last, from a third party, that you were dumped for someone else).
You describe the pain you are feeling now as being partly due to losing control over the situation, losing power. Well, you can't make her have a conversation with you but you can resolve to take control of yourself and the situation by implementing No Contact. She can't ignore you if you're not contacting her....
Your ex herself said that you are hurting yourself by contacting her, and she is right. I'm genuinely sorry you are hurting, but I strongly suggest you give up on this idea of her giving you a better sense of closure (she can't) and stop all contact.
She said: "Hope you have a wonderful life. Take care. I might be disconnecting this phone, FYI.". She doesn't want to hear from you anymore. Hold your head up high, and as painful and difficult as it will be for a while, leave her be for both your sakes. Life will move on, you will feel better.
All the best to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): Some people feel they are entitled to use and maltreat others, this woman is one of them from the sound of it. People are disposable to her- the only thing that matters to her is "her" as she said, her feelings are all that matters, not yours. She has mental problems so that should have been a warning not to get so deeply involved with her and not to try to fix her.
As painful as this is, you will probably never get your closure. Partly because what you really want is probably not to end the relationship and partly because she has decided she doesn't need you anymore in her life and she needs to deal with all of her issues alone and simply doesn't care about the distress she has caused you. For all we know, she has someone else already and this is just an excuse she is using to dump you.
She loved you less, if she loved you at all, that is why she can just say goodbye and forget about the whole thing even if she says she is struggling with it also. She is the one who wanted it, not you.
Somehow you have to get through this on your own and hopefully, in time, you can let it all go and find another love that won't also demand the job being someone's psychiatrist 24/7. That isn't what you want for yourself, nor is someone who so easily disposes of people from her life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 Are you sure you did not break up with me :)? , because I would have given the same answers as hers.
Maybe I would not even have been as diplomatic.
You are acting pushy and entitled. She does not OWE you closure. You are an adult- give yourself your own closure. You do not need her permission to realize that it's over , you can do that on your own.
She gave you a reason and an explanation about why she chose to break up, what you are saying is that since you don't LIKE that explanation,there must be another one,less lesive of your ego , pardon me, feelings, and you won't be happy until you won't have pummeled it out of her.
Your feelings as an ex aren't her concern anymore, and anyway it would not be her job to fix them, but yours . Nobody can MAHE you feel this and that, you are feeling those feelings in reaction to certain events, and that's your personal choice- other people would react in different ways . Anyway, when you break up with someone, you know that probably you are going to hurt them to some extent- but you can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs,- so both parties know all the aftermath of sadness anger jealousy confusion etc. is just the notmal legacy of a break up , and if she does not feel like she should bend over backwards to help you deal with that, that's hardly surprising. She's got her own problems to deal with, her own struggles, and, again not surprisingly, prioritizes them on her own timetable, not yours.
I think she was kind enough to accept giving that closure or comfort or support you wanted ( and to which you wren't authomatically entitled ) if she coud do it on her own time. But you pushed and jumped the gun, and now she decided that she can do without the hassles and the pressures, and that if you don't want to be friends in future, so be it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): It's not closure you want, you want the opportunity to plead your case to change her mind. You are old enough to know that no contact is the only way you will get your closure. She owes you nothing more than what she has given you. You are holding on, clinging; because you hope you can convince her with your words not to breakup with you. My friend, she is done. Leave her alone. Give yourself closure.
You are struggling emotionally and going through the withdrawal stage. You'll hold on to the smallest shred of hope that you can make her stay. No amount of pleading or talking is going to help. It will make you all the more frustrated, and she will become totally distressed by your persistence. Man-up and back-off. It's no contact time.
You are starting to pressure her, and that is very unmanly of you. It is pushing the envelop emotionally. She is dealing with things, you said so yourself. She wants out, no contact, and she wants to deal with her issues. Stop it with the "closure-excuse." You'll keep asking her again and again to convince you to stop feeling. She can't do that. Nothing she can say will make you feel good about breaking up. Be reasonable. Go tend to your pain. You will initiate your healing the minute you accept the fact your relationship is over, and she doesn't need any closure. She's already done: so your closure is moot and irrelevant.
My friend I got dumped in April 2013. I got broadsided too.
No argument, we never fought, we were having a hell of a good time. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to talk about it too. I wanted closure; but then I started to realize that he had planned to dump me beforehand.
That gave him a bit of a head-start moving on. Every-time you call and try to talk, you are pouring salt on a gaping wound in your heart. You are punishing her and yourself by forcing her to face your pain. She has her own to contend with. Putting on your most pathetic performance is too much to witness, so she avoids you. She can't bear to see you behaving like that.
She wants to get on with her detachment, and deal with her own pain. You are keeping it fresh by nagging at her. Please stop. It's not fair.
I know exactly how you feel; because I've been there. It is agonizing and excruciating. Thoughts running through your head a thousand per second. Things you want to say, that you think might convince her to stay. It's not going to work. If you keep it up, you'll break her down. Man, that would be the worse thing you could ever do to a woman.
You're demanding her to explain to you why she doesn't think you're good enough for her. Why does she think she has the right to end the relationship when you don't want to? Why isn't she willing to keep trying? She doesn't have to answer your questions. By leaving, she has given you the answer. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. That is closure enough, sir.
Now take time alone. Perhaps find yourself a quiet beach, a cabin, or a place for solitude and emotional-exile. Give yourself closure by letting your emotions pour out. Cry, scream, and then relax. Listen to the wind, pray, meditate.
Take long walks alone. Call a friend you haven't heard from in ages. Take you mother to lunch. If you have a pet, be it dog or cat, take a day-cation together. You need time to think and you will find inner-peace. You reach into yourself and you find it in your inner-core. Deep down in your soul. There is a reserve of strength you pull from.
It gives you resilience. It gets you through times like these. If you worship, find peace in your place of worship.
Talk it out with someone old and wise.
There is a place that is inside us all; to help us survive disappointment, failure, rejection, or grief. Nature wired us to survive loss. That's why we have parents, siblings, extended family, and friends. They fill the gap when a love is lost.
I wrote some articles. I wrote them as I went through my own breakup-hell. It was my first. I have never been dumped before. I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked to my family. My friends gathered around me.
Then I pulled away on my own, and I found my way back. I went through no contact like a champ. I made up my mind, I will find someone better. I'm dating someone now. I haven't looked back. He's totally different. Special. I'm not in-love, I'm happy. Healed and healing. I didn't date for months. When I did it was for fun and entertainment. No brooding. No rebound, no angry-sex. Just peaceful recovery.
The best closure, is the closure you create for yourself.
No calls. No e-mails, no texting, voice-mails, sudden calls in the middle of the night, sitting outside her house. No stalking Facebook, and absolutely no stalking her. No drunk text messages. Just leaver her alone, and go take care of yourself.
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