A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:30-year-old male who, due to many factors, has been pretty far behind the curve when it comes to relationships and sex. I didn't date in any form for most of my 20s due to personal issues. I've managed to turn things around a bit these past two years - I moved to a large East Coast city, got a job I love, and eased myself into the local dating pool. I haven't yet pulled off the move from initial dating to an actual ongoing relationship, but have come very close twice (both times distance/logistics got in the way) so I think it's only a matter of time before it happens. To further complicate matters, I have had sex, but only once. It was a textbook one-night stand that happened a few months ago - I literally had never met the woman before that night, we were both drinking, things suddenly got a bit physical, and well, you can imagine the rest. The one-night aspect was pretty much her idea - she seemed to have no interest in giving out her number or ever seeing me again. I'm not exactly proud of it, but I'm not really ashamed either - I was totally unattached and really had no reason not to go along with it. Still, it's definitely not the sort of person I normally am - if she hadn't approached me, I doubt it would have happened.So do I just allude to being "inexperienced" and leave it at that? Maybe say that I had "limited" sexual experiences when I was younger? What if she wants to know why I'm inexperienced? I know many women believe lack of relationship experience (esp. past a certain age) = committment-phobe or other serious defect (this isn't pure conjecture BTW, I've had a couple of female friends specifically tell me this). I don't think this is the case with me, it's just lack of dating/socializing skills kept me from having the "normal" opportunities for a relationship when I was younger. Still, I'm not sure how to handle discussions about this, particularly during the early stages of dating.Open to suggestions or ideas.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 June 2012):
 I think honesty is the best policy in this case. During my formative years, I had severe social anxiety and was basically a socially awkward and painfully shy head case with almost zero friends. Once I graduated and turned 18, I moved away because I knew the only way I'd change was if I HAD to.
Although I'm married with two babies of my own now, I haven't had many relationships. I was honest and told my previous partners the fact that shyness prevented me from dating in my past and I wasn't savvy when it came to relationships or sex. When a person likes you enough to date you, often they'll be receptive to helping you when they know what shortcomings you have in that area.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 June 2012):
 I do understand your concern. There are women on this site thinking that a 30 year old man with no prior relationships as a red flag.
I don't think dating requires much social skills. Though I am aware that it is tougher on men because they have to do the chasing while women just have to wait to be approached. If you have a job and relocated to the east coast I assume you have the social skills to get ahead. There are many people like you. Dating is basically enjoying time with each other, and then setting another time for next week. You are already worrying about something that a woman might not even notice. Unless you have a facial deformity, or your hair is unkempt, nobody is going to detect social ineptness. People are more trusting than you think. Emotionally healthy people would treat each other as if they are average people. They would be optimistic, and are not going to nit pick and find faults. Rather than telling people you are missing out on relationships, instead briefly tell them you had been working on your career and ambitions. Encourage them to look at you as of right now, the person you present to them. Answer the question matter of factly, not like you are trying to defend non experience. In other words, stop treating this as a big problem. Also don't date women for experience. Get to know them, find out who you like, what qualities you are looking for. You have just as much power to judge a good mate, as a person who have tons of experience.
If all else fails, there are always dating sites for geeks and matrimonial sites for foreign women.
...............................
|
