A
male
age
30-35,
*ax Clark
writes:I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for five and a half months and we recently moved up to the same college together. We have been having troubles in our relationship, she has bad ptsd which makes her very angry and very stressed very easily! She started to take it all out on me and take me for granted, i bought her flowers for the first time ever and treated her amazingly for a whole week but she would still get angry at me over nothing and shout at me.We talked about it all and she said that she knows she has been taking me for granted and maybe its because we spend to much time together. After another talk she admitted and she felt smothered by me because i am always telling her she is my everything and because i want to spend all our time together. I totally understand it and i have tried to give her more space.She also used to smoke and we had a big thing about it because all my grandparents died from smoking related issues and it really upsets me when she does, i feel physically sick and i cant eat, i also get anxious, nervous and shaky. I have told her all of this and she decided to stop smoking, she did it beacuse of her ptsd and she cant control her stress levels without fags but she felt like she was taking the easy way out. She said she did it for herself but i know if we weren't going out she would be smoking. So anyway, on the first day i tried to give her more space she walked up to me and said "by the way i had a fag at break" like it was totally normal and she said it so insensitively!!! I got angry but didn't say anything but she can read me like a book and just got angry because i got pissed off at her. At lunch later on that day she walked in, put her bag down, (pretty sure she saw me) and walked straight out with all her smoker friends, later on she came back reeking of fags. I have talked to her about it and she just gets mad because she said she barely smoked any fags and she doesnt see the big deal. The thing is its a big deal to me, to her 3 or 4 fags is barely any but to me it is way too much, i cant take it, i still feel sick right now. She also once said that if she really couldn't quit she would smoke behind my back because she wouldn't want to upset me, this has made me really anxious. because of all the space we are having between us i am constantly looking around to see if she is with me or around me, if she isn't i just always think she is smoking! i am so insecure and i don't know what to do, i really love her and i can't lose her.I just don't know what to do about it, on the posotive side today she held my hand in assembly and at break and lunch walked up to me and gave me a big hug and kiss. On the negative, she skipped her last lesson because she couldn't find her room, when i asked what she did in it she said "oh, nothing", then after about five minutes she said "i was talking to india and her friend olivia, she is really cool". I want to believe her and trust her but i just can't, i feel so bad and i don't want to push her away.Somebody please help! it has all been building up for ages, i don't want to feel anxious and nervous anymore!
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 Hmm, I see this very differently to the first poster.I think what you need to learn is that you can not control other people. If she wants to stop smoking she will, but she is not your property and should not have to answer to you and your angry feelings about it. Either accept her for who she is and what she does without trying to control or change her, ... or go and find someone who does actually suit you without you having to alter them first to your pleasing. This is not a good dynamic to be starting any meaningful long term relationship with. I think you are the one being selfish and immature to impose your will on another and expect them to answer to you for it. And to get angry about it is a real control issue you have got going on there. This sort of behaviour will make her miserable and resentful in the long run, and is EXACTLY why she ALREADY feels the need to hide her actions from you. Hello, .... YOUR behaviour has prompted hers, and then you have the audacity to decide she is not trustworthy because she still chooses to exercise her own free will! Remove your demands, and you will also remove the need to judge and label her according to them. It's like why do so many women lie about the price of something they bought shopping, say it was on sale, cheaper than it was etc?, ... it's coz so many men bitch up and they see it as an easy option to prevent having to have a scene about it. Trust me, it's a very universal phenomena that most women know about or participate in lol. I own a retail store and laugh with female customers all the time when they remove pricetags and indicate they plan to tell their man whatever version of the purchase will avoid a hassle. You guys just about make us do these things sometimes. But I digress ... People leave home coz they don;t want to be living by others rules, ..why on earth would anyone want to go from their parents rules to yours? Sure situations arise in long term partnerships where one may have to bend a bit for another and vice versa, ..but you are deliberately setting this dynamic up at only 5 months in. If you want my prediction - you do not have a long term future with this girl as long as you react with anger to her not doing what ever it is you want her to do. Ask yourself why you are getting angry, and the most basic fundamental answer is simply that you are not getting your own way. Pretty ugly stuff imo. Sorry if that offends you - obviously I am not the type of person who allows anyone to tell her what to do, or answers to anothers will, .... but I think you really ought to step in to her shoes and take a look at yourself from her perspective.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 January 2010):
I know you are young so you need to learn this lesson and get it right now, or you'll have a pretty miserable life.
Being happy should always, ALWAYS be more important, than being with the one you love. She does what she wants and then says "but I've got PTSD" and expects you to be fine.
Sorry but not respecting you and not caring about your feelings has nothing to do with any kind of mental illness. She's just being immature and selfish.
You have to realise that you are not happy with her so you need to split up with her.
You can't make her better, you can't change her. She's going to carry on making you miserable.
Put yourself first and end this.
Good Luck!! xx
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