A
male
age
30-35,
*padesOfHearts
writes:I have been dating a girl for a little over 3 months. I mostly feel very good about the relationship. The only problem is that she has strong avoidant attachment tendencies. I like to think that I am a particularly kind/patient/understanding person and so I am cautiously optimistic about being able to deal with those tendencies.About a month ago we had some really uneasy days because I was feeling hurt by her seeming distant and she was feeling overwhelmed by me demanding attention. Eventually a friend sent me some things to read about anxious avoidant traps and that helped me to understand her feelings better. I also did a lot more research on my own. Since then, it has been smooth sailing. Things have been going really well and she has started opening up to me and she seems to be much more comfortable with affection.Everything was going great, until yesterday... She told me (by text message) about some steps she was taking regarding her career. I responded with what I thought was reassuring words hoping that it would make her feel good... I guess somehow, she read them as criticisms. Sadly, text messages can be misinterpreted sometimes...After that, she spent the whole day feeling badly, while I was completely oblivious (I thought I had made her feel encouraged!). She did not tell me she was feeling bad until late at night. At that time, she said something like "I don't need you to believe in me because I believe in myself!". And then she said a bunch of stuff like "this is why I'm so independent and don't want to rely on anyone". I got really upset because this felt like such a big step backwards that would make her even more avoidant. Eventually we got to the same page and we agreed that in the future I will try to be more careful about how I word things, and she will tell me more quickly when something is bothering her.This was a misunderstanding that reinforced her avoidant feelings. Of course, we will have setbacks sometimes and that's okay. I understand that many people never overcome their avoidant tendencies, and for those that do it can take many years.I did not really know what would be the best way for me to respond to her in this case.... So, my question for you agony aunts is, do you have any advice on dealing with a partner who's avoidant feelings have been triggered? How should I respond when she is telling me things like "this is why I can't get to close to anyone!"? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 March 2021):
 Argh!
EDIT
It read:" You can not diagnose her and you definitely should try and be her therapist."
Should have been:
You can not diagnose her and you definitely should NOT try and be her therapist.
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (30 March 2021):
 I think the problem is actually with you. You have diagnosed this lady with a disorder after 3 months. Are you a specialist doctor in this kind of thing? Do you hope she has problems so that you can feel like her knight in shining armour and rescue her?
She sounds like a normal adult just trying to make a life for herself and isn't complaining about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2021): Out of curiosity who diagnosed her with strong avoidance tendencies? I take it she has concluded that herself and that's fine. Just last week I looked into attachment style tests and how whichever one you are in affects your relationships. What would be worth YOU looking at is which one you fall into as your traits and style also impact the relationship and her behaviour.
Personally I don't think dearcupid aunts have the answers you are looking for unless they are knowledgeable specifically in this area. As I said there are online tests you can take to work out your attachment type and an array of information on specific attachment type traits and also relationship advice if you are with someone as you are with anxious avoidant.
I would also say that while the attachment styles are very real and pretty accurate they are still a "Label" you can put on yourself, everyone still has the autonomy to think outside of the box, so resorting to "oh I am like this because I am an anxious avoidant" is a bit of a cop out, if someone is aware of their triggers they can choose to react different not blame it solely on the type they fall into.
I agree with the other aunts in that you seem keen to fix her problems, I'll use the word problem loosely as in my mind I like to think I'm a survivor and not a victim. Work out your style and you may be surprised that you have traits that you need to look at, you sound like a nice man so nothing ominous but an honest reflection might give you valuable insight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): This is a no-brainer! Lighten-up!!! Stop psycho-analyzing the woman like she's a lab rat or a under a microscope. You're overreading her natural "unfamiliarity" like she's got some kind of anti-social disorder.
Take an extra-strength chill-pill, and stop pushing and rushing her. You may not mean to, but you're coming-off real narcissistic; like she needs you to figure her out, and tell her who she is. Give the poor young lady a break! Take your foot off the gas!
She's not being avoidant, she's being appropriately cautious; because she hardly knows you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2021):
I think YOU need to slow down. You have only been dating for 3 months. She needs time and WAY more patience than you think.
Also, she misunderstood your text because deep down SHE doesn't KNOW you that well. And YOU don't know HER that well. YET. Chill.
Lower your expectations a bit here. And stop thinking you can magically FIX her issues with her "avoidant tendencies" as you call them. It's not your JOB to fix that. If she feels a NEED to be self-reliant that is GOOD, if that means she isn't great at communicating then that you can help her with. SHE is who she is. So treat her as such, not like a fixer-upper that you need to SAVE.
Also IF she wants to WORK on her "avoidant tendancies" then SHE needs to do that work. You can not diagnose her and you definitely should try and be her therapist.
Accept that this is PART of who she is. Find ways together that can make things work for YOU as a couple.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2021):
I think YOU need to slow down. You have only been dating for 3 months. She needs time and WAY more patience than you think.
Also, she misunderstood your text because deep down SHE doesn't KNOW you that well. And YOU don't know HER that well. YET. Chill.
Lower your expectations a bit here. And stop thinking you can magically FIX her issues with her "avoidant tendencies" as you call them. It's not your JOB to fix that. If she feels a NEED to be self-reliant that is GOOD, if that means she isn't great at communicating then that you can help her with. SHE is who she is. So treat her as such, not like a fixer-upper that you need to SAVE.
Also IF she wants to WORK on her "avoidant tendancies" then SHE needs to do that work. You can not diagnose her and you definitely should try and be her therapist.
Accept that this is PART of who she is. Find ways together that can make things work for YOU as a couple.
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