A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to cut off a toxic and controlling friend but don’t know how. Normally, I would’ve just blocked her and said nothing. I don’t believe that’s necessarily the right way, as being direct and adult about it would probably be better. But I don’t care about her feelings since she doesn’t care about mine. She’s draining and creates unnecessary stress. Before I realized she was this way, we hung out every week and usually at her house. However, the reason I haven’t just simply blocked her on my phone is because we share too many mutual friends. We met through an online group two years ago and share about 100 mutual friends that I see often. Yes I know it’s a lot of people to see often. I figured it would be easier to let the friendship naturally fade off rather than directly cutting it off. I thought that would make things less awkward when we do see each other around. We can just say hi and make small talk as usual. Rather than having a white elephant in the room. I just wouldn’t accept her invitations to hang out one on one. I haven’t seen her since March. I’m really happy about the natural space that Covid helped us create. We live in a high risk zone. I’ve increasingly responded to her text messages less frequently. At one point we had not spoke in weeks and I received in the mail, a handmade item that took her hours to make. I regrettably broke the silence to thank her. But besides that I still don’t reply often. Maybe once every four messages. I never initiate. Her messages are usually just random internet things. But the less I reply the more she sends. She’s also sent a couple of handwritten postcards. It just feels like bait. Two weeks ago, she texted asking if everything’s ok because I haven’t been chatty and I just replied yes there’s just not much to share since not much is going on. One week ago, she texted me a block of text venting about her personal life in the early morning. I responded a couple hours later and she responded immediately. I noticed that she’s been doing this whenever I do respond like so she can catch me and have a conversation. Anyway I did talk her thru that situation but I haven’t responded to her casual texts since then. I’m wondering if I just need to be straightforward and tell her that I’m not interested in being friends. However, she doesn’t know that she’s toxic and I don’t have the energy to explain it to her. Maybe it’s the right thing to do. But I just don’t care to and I don’t care about her feelings. She’s already draining and the conversation would take forever and he even more exhausting. I know that sounds bad but I want to be honest in order to receive relevant advice. I know my feelings are valid but I wonder if I’m handling this too immaturely.I know haven’t explained much of what happened between us. But they are mostly rude remarks and backhanded compliments from her. For example, one time my new boyfriend was so sweet and offered to help build the furniture I just ordered, and she told me to stop acting so helpless. She seemed jealous. Another time I told her about a clothing brand I discovered and liked and she got weirdly mad and told me good luck because she didn’t have good experiences with their stuff. I do acknowledge that it’s my fault for never having said anything and I wouldn’t blame her for being surprised if I did tell her how I felt. Anyway, the only reason I haven’t gone avoidant path and blocked her is because we share too many mutual friends and will likely see each other often once lockdown lifts again. To clarify, I’m not interested in repairing our friendship, I am not interested in being friends at all. What do you guys think? Thank you so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): Even when you decide to end a friendship, people don't just drop-off the face of the earth. You share friends...neither of you own them.
You have to be honest and frank with people; but carefully think it out first, before you take action. If she is toxic, critical, or always comes across as problematical; and all that has adversely affected your friendship. You owe it to her to tell her.
Stick to only what she says or does that bothers YOU...a full personality-shakedown and critique is unnecessary.
Assume she isn't aware of how her behavior negatively-affects you; the fact is, you haven't been honest or tactful enough to let her know. You've bitten your tongue, and pretended everything is okay. In my book, that's a little shady! You think of me one-way, and act another around me! My friends are honest with me. They'll tell me if I offend them; or if I somehow have rubbed them the wrong-way. I'm given the benefit of the doubt; and I can change that behavior. It's certainly their prerogative to also let me know that there's no possibility they can continue our friendship. I will accept that honesty, and move on...hurt-feelings and all! Sometimes we get our feelings hurt...but hey,c'est la vie! Sooner or later, we will step on somebody's toes, and get the boot! No-one is insusceptible to being dumped!
Instead of being straightforward, and letting her know what things she says or does that hurts your feelings, and spoils the friendship. You've bottled-it all up! She may be very much aware of her toxicity; but expects everyone to be too nice, and silently tolerate it. She needs a dose of reality and truth; and this could lead to change in her behavior for the better. Not necessarily for you, but for her own good.
You should wait until her next breach of friendship. It's likely coming soon! Then seize on that opportunity to tell her..."this, is exactly the sort of thing that you do or say, that has made me consider no longer being your friend!" It's at this point you have the option to place her on probation, or on notice!
That is the moment you sum it all up in a nutshell. "I really need to have my space, and take a break from this friendship. I don't believe it is fixable; because I've waited to see if you'd change, but that is never the case. It just gets worse! This is awkward and very uncomfortable for me! I need a break, but I will still be cordial and polite when I see you around. Sorry, but this is it!"
Then you may block calls, remove her from your social media contacts; and let her mingle with the other people in your circle for awhile. You will run into each other on the street, out socializing, or you'll cross paths; unless one of you moves-away. You have to learn how to put civil-distance between you and toxic-people; yet realize they won't buy a one-way ticket out of your life! It's a small world! They may run into you again someday...even if you block, delete, ghost, and disappear for awhile!
You must learn to use tact and diplomacy; and you'll minimize making enemies. You don't have to tolerate toxic-people as friends; nor be intimidated in believing they'll take all your other friends with them, if you dump them. It's up to those friends to choose. If she decides to become an enemy, and go around bad-mouthing you to others; trust that they will see the same-thing in her as you did. If they can't, perhaps they need to go on the drop-list as well. They have a right to like her over you, such is life! You have as much right to choose! I know millennials and gen-Z's panic at the thought of dropping in their popularity polls; but all those people you count as friends in three-digit numbers are not friends...they are people you know! Contacts!
BTW, there is no-way you're going to regularly socialize with a group that large; and actually believe they're your friends. They are people you know, and acquaintances. To call them friends, you'd have to whittle the number down to a few; because you'd have to be constantly on the go to keep-up with so many people. Friends are people you hold close and most dear to you. A 100 people is spreading yourself thin! She will probably decide she'd rather not see you anymore either; once she knows how you feel. Don't be surprised if the feeling is mutual; and she has always felt the same about you! That might come as a surprise; only you've never really realized! You've only seen things from your own perspective! Keeping in-touch is her way of keeping doors open, and networking.
Here's a little bonus advice. There's a reason she tries to keep in-touch with you. Not so much that she likes you, but maybe it's because she feels you're the only one in the group that keeps the circle open to her. In other words, her key-contact.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 September 2020):
 "What do you guys think?"
I think that as you age you tend to reduce your friend load. You focus more on quality and less on quantity.
At 29 you have about 1/3 of my adult experience. When I look at your examples of how this toxic person is draining you, i don't see much to be worried about. You seem overly worried about a few comments and hugely insensitive about real physical efforts she makes for you. I honestly wonder if you are making a wise decision.
But, that's not what you came to ask. If you are offended by the behavior of a friend. You should promptly tell them. This is called enforcing your boundaries. if it weren't for social distancing, she would have got your clues by now, but sometimes people are slow to catch on. When enforcing your boundaries you need to be clear (state exactly what the person has done wrong: you disrespected my new boyfriend and that made me feel uncomfortable) Be concise ( this is how I feel this is why. I won't discuss it) Blame the behavior not the person. (saying that hurt me, not you are a **** to me).
Enforcing a boundary can end a friendship, or it can save one.
You feel drained because your boundaries are being pushed around a lot. When you own and enforce them you will feel confident and empowered.
That's What I think.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2020): It's hard.
We can all sit here at a safe distance and tell you what we think should be done ideally. But life is not ideal. People make mistakes.
We are different things to different people. Some people think I'm great and thank God my husband is among them. Others think I'm boring, weak... and in certain circumstances they too would be right.
Your friend is I suspect toxic to YOU, but maybe to some other people she's great. So while your opinion is valid for you is not an absolute description of who she is.
I could have written a book about how narcissistic my childhood friend acted and it would have made no difference to any of us, because that would be only my side of the story. I'm sure that people she admires and for whom she bends backwards to please would give her a complete different feedback. So, who's right? We all are, I guess, in a way.
And I think that's an important starting point when you think about what to do in these situations.
I haven't "broken up" with my narcissistic friend, I changed the way I act around her and react to her. The moment you stop feeding the bad stuff, it will either disappear or she will stop being interested in you.
What you say about your friend texting to catch you for a conversation is something I could have written about my friend. She hasn't changed. She still sometimes needs to vent for stupid reasons (a clerk that annoyed her, a man that ignored her...), but I'm not at her disposal. I don't react to her need. What I do is encourage the behavior and subjects I find interesting. I'm here if she needs REAL assistance, I'm not here any more to fill up her spare time.
At one point when her obsessive repeating of the same story really reached a limit and I couldn't take it anymore - we were on a vacation together - I told her in a nice way that what she is doing is not only exhausting for people around her, but for her too. She wasn't "venting" she was feeding her own obsession unable to self-soothe (I didn't tell her the mast part). She got angry, ran out of the room and slammed the door. I was shaking! For the first time in our almost 40 year long friendship I told her what I really thought of her behavior. I really thought, still think, it's bad for her. She's running in circles until she gets run down and her brain shuts down. And what this does to people who are close to her is awful. It drains us. So I stopped participating in this behavior.
I'm not saying that your friendship with this person is worth saving, only you can say that.
I'm giving you another perspective. We are so many things at once.
When YOU CHANGE people around you will either stay and accept or change with you or leave spontaneously.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 September 2020):
 If you are hoping you can make this run out in the sand, you need to give a couple of DAYS NOT hours before responding.
Though in all honesty? If you don't WANT to be friends, I think it would just be more honest to tell her that you feel the two of you no longer have much to talk about. If she prods for more, you can either say that you feel she is very negative and that you have decided to limit the people in your life. (something to that extend). Or be more vague. Though vagueness rarely helps.
The thing is, if you hope that the other 100 friends won't think badly of you in how you "dump" this friend - you really have no control. Just do it in a fashion YOU yourself would like you be "dumped" as a friend (not that anyone really WANTS that..) But "DO unto others". Even if you say "I don't care about her feeling because she doesn't care about mine" doesn't mean you can't be a decent person. She isn't you, and you aren't her, so don't be LIKE her and "dump" her to be cruel.
But I DO think you need to tell her, she went out of her way to make you a handmade book, maybe because she noticed that you were pulling away, perhaps you should have returned it and said, you should give this to someone else. But no, you took the gift and "lowered" yourself to thank her. Which encouraged her to keep contacting you.
And yes, you are handling it immaturely. Be classy and kind when you "dump" someone as a friend even if she is generally mean. Don't be vague. People can't read your mind.
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A
female
reader, AnnaGreen  +, writes (15 September 2020):
 Most of us have been in a similar situation at least once.
Firstly you need to be more picky about who you class as a friend. People you meet up with when you go to a group are not necessarily friends. They are acquaintances. Real friends are people that you choose to be in touch with on a 1 2 1 basis and if you live near enough. People who would visit you and try to help you if you are ill or need support. Not just people you meet up with if you both happen to go to the same place, but would lose touch with if you do not return.
If a so called friend is a user or draining then either tell them that and stop it now, or continue with it.
There is no point to gradually stopping. It leads them on and wastes time. In the meantime they use you or drain you even more. Where is the sense in that? Some of these sort of people would go to anyone who listens, they might tell you and at least a dozen other people all about it.
With them it is about having someone who listens now, urgently, not someone who can help or someone who understands necessarily. You are buying their so called friendship by being a convenience to them, being at their beck and call or allowing them to only come to you when it is helpful to them. It is a one sided thing so it is clear it will not last, but they make the most of it in the meantime. Some women have a habit of moaning about their problems or their latest tiff for hours on end, and might do that every other day given the chance. They have nothing to lose by continuing until their luck runs out.
Some of the problem comes from you being too available
or too eager to listen - whether that is because you are lonely, bored, curious, wanting to feel special or genuinely wanting to help. Clearly these people move from one crisis to another anyway so whatever you say to them about this one it will not be long before there is another. Which makes giving any of their "problems" a lot of time pointless. If you stand back and look at their problems most of them are self made or them making a big issue out of a small thing.
The more you listen or interact with them the bigger they make it.
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