A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:After almost 40 years of what I thought was a happy marriage my 62 year old husband said he needed space and I spent all my time and energy on the family and looking after the grand children, he felt lonely. We had had our daughter, her husband and 2 young children staying for a month whilst having work done on their home so had had no time together or space.This came as a bolt out of the blue but he came to talk next day and said he loved me but we needed to change as we were staid and never did anything together.He agreed to return home and we both said we would make more of an effort which we did, going to cinema and for a meal but then Christmas came along and he is always very busy at work at this time so things slipped.We still have a physical side to our marriage, making love most weeks but even that has become same day etc.I went out with the family on Saturday night and he stayed at home as the show was not to his taste. Yesterday, after he had gone to work [just for a short time] I realised that his soap bag and passport were not there and his leather luggage was missing although no clothes had gone. I rang him and asked if he was leaving me, he said not and came home a short time later.He then told me that he wasn't happy, he still loves me but not as he did and that he was thinking of leaving me when he has somewhere to go.He said he told someone 3 years ago that things weren't working between us ! Pity he couldn't tell me.After much discussion and upset he said we can try for the next couple of months but things have to change, we need to spend more time doing things together and going out. we've decided to have date nights once a week and to try and find activities to do together.I feel in a mess and weepy I can't help worrying that he's going to come in tonight and say he's going or going to go after the couple of months anyway. I also have to hold myself together as until we decide what's happening we can't say anything to the family.My question is : Do you think I'm wasting my time trying as I know we can't make someone love us ? How do I cope with the turmoil I feel without pushing him away by always asking is he going to be there when I get home?I feel better for writing but would value other thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): no you don't "have" to believe him for the sake of the marriage. it wouldn't be wise to. Trust once broken has to be re-earned, not just freely given because you want to move on.It's unfortunate that he refuses marital counseling. That calls into question his seriousness about re-committing to the marriage. He DID have an affair, the fact that he doesn't want to call it that doesn't change the fact that it is one. he has not fully owned up to his part in the marriage breakdown and is trying to minimize the damage he has caused. Emotional affairs are also affairs and if you read up on them you will find they are often an even bigger threat to a marriage than merely physical-only affairs because they do often lead to physical relations if given enough time and opportunity anyway, and furthermore they are harder to end and walk away from for the people involved. especially if he hasn't severed all contact with his affair partner. anyway I wish you the best in your long journey ahead! I would suggest that even if your husband refuses to attend martial counseling, that you go to counseling on your own to help you deal with the devastation and broken trust that he has caused you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): Once again thank you for your views and advice. I take on board all you say and yes he has been deceitful and not told me how he felt for all that time.However I have to believe him and give him this last chance for both our sakes. He swears he has not had an "affair" which I suppose means slept with her but he has had a relationship with her that shouldn't have happened. He swears that in October when he left for 2 night to get some space he didn't have feeling for her and I have to believe that.We went out for dinner last night and had a good evening together. I have started to make some changes and physically he has been more loving than he has for a long time.However during the night I woke up and that's when my mind starts working, has he told her. Is it going to happen again? Can I trust him? Needless to say I have slept very little! But in daylight am afraid to ask him fearing his answer! It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.I am going to have to ask all these questions for my sanity and if his answers are not the ones I want to reassure me I need to accept that.Maybe counselling is the answer but at the moment he is reluctant to go that route but we'll have to see.I'm doing my best here so must hope that he is also and that it works out, if it doesn't at least I'll have given it my best shot.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): It may have been your fault for ignoring him all these years making him feel alone in the marriage. But it is the way he handled that is more worrisome and doesn't bode well for the future in my opinion. He didn't have the decency to let you know first that he was so unhappy he was considering leaving. Instead he told other people and had an affair. Then he sort of tried leaving you but when called out on it he chickened out. (Maybe its because his affair partner wasn't available after all.) If he hadn't deceived you for several years and had been honest to you about his unhappiness and despair I think you have a good shot at rebuilding your marriage. But now it has been poisoned by adultery and a history of deceit and betrayal of trust. He already has a fairly well developed relationship with another woman. He still has feelings for her and she for him. Their relationship is its own story unfolding too. That is extremely difficult to overcome long term. You will need more than just date nights and showering him with attention.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2013): OP I don't know if this is a good development or not. I hope he is sincere BUT you never know this could be just the beginning of a roller coaster ride where you think he's re-committed to you then a few months down the road you find evidence of cheating again. personally, I wouldn't be so quick to believe him and take him back after how he treated you. I mean, he withheld his true feelings and intentions from you for 3 years. that shows he is darn well capable of lying and has probably gotten used to it by now.calling you and sobbing and being all emotional is very out of character for him which is why I would be suspicious of that too. I think he - like you - is just freaked out about being single again since he (like you) has been married for 40 years. I do not think his feelings for the other woman just go away just like that. Call me a pessimist but I suspect he just wants to keep the status quo going where he sees her on the side, and still has the security of a marriage to go home to when he feels like it and that's why he's begging you not to leave him. The other woman still is in the picture since she works for him!!! He needs to either leave the job or fire her if he's serious about saving your marriage. I can guarantee that their relationship won't just end in one day just like that. What is also troubling to me is that you haven't mentioned that you two are exploring his feelings in depth and where or how this could even happen. Simply 'being more spontaneous' and "going on dates" is kind of a superficial way to deal with adultery and the fact that he was seriously thinking of leaving you for the last 3 years and hid those thoughts from you. It's almost like avoiding or covering up the REAL ISSUES. People don't leave a 40-year marriage or cheat on their 40-year marriage simply because of a lack of spontaneity. It's far deeper than that. I would urge you two to go to marriage counseling together. I would urge you not to let your guard down so easily and believe that simply going on more "dates" from now on is all it takes to save your marriage, I am quite sure it needs more than that especially when (a) the other woman is still in the picture (b) your husband has shown he's capable of hiding his true feelings and intentions for 3 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): First of all I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and advice.As I said in my last post he had gone to a hotel to think things through and would be telling me his decision today.Early last evening he rang me in a very emotional state and begged to come home, said he had made a terrible mistake and was a "silly old fool".This man I have known and been with for over forty years was sobbing, I have only ever seen him shed tears when he lost his parents, so I knew it was genuine.He came home,there were lots more tears and lots of hugs and talking, we hadn't talked like that in such a long time. I told him he must forget this woman, he will still see her as she works for him, and he swore that all that was in the past that all they had done was talk. I asked him how he thought moving in together would ever work if that was true. He swore that there had been no physical involvement and I believe him as he has always been an honest and honorable man.We have agreed to take things slowly, to be more spontaneous and loving not to be so comfortable as we are not old and hopefully have many more years together.Tonight we are going on a "Date" together, I am choosing the venue. The kids and grandkids will still be important to both of us but will have to takr their place behind our relationship, after all they decided to have the children so child care is their responsibility! I realise we have a lot of building to do, I especially will have to forget about the other woman and trust him again.We must try hard not to let this happen again but we have decided today is the first page of the next chapter.I know some of you may think I have given in too easily but we have been together since I was 17 and I know that he is a very honest, caring trustworthy man who I've loved and cared for and who has loved and cared for me in return so I will fight as hard as I can to keep him and spend the rest of my life with him.Again many thanks for your input, all of wich I have read and thought about it has helped to be able to vent on here but I shall be putting all my future effort into my marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): so basically he has been feeling this way for at least 3 YEARS and even told someone else 3 YEARS ago but didn't have the courtesy to inform you?? and instead he just keeps a bag packed all the time 'in case' he feels like leaving you?? what a wishy washy jerk. If he wants to leave, then he should leave. If not, then he should stay. this sitting on the fence thing, being neither here nor there, is just wrong. Give him a time frame to decide one way or the other. Be prepared that he will decide to leave you, the goal isn't to get him to stay but to get him to leave so you can begin rebuilding your new life without him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): I think he's already halfway out the door so it's likely he will exit completely sooner or later. There's already someone else in the picture which means it's already too late. He's only going through this charade of giving you a chance because that makes him feel like a better person for having given you a chance. Or maybe because the other woman is married and thus not free to be with him and he doesn't want to be alone so that's why he doesn't just leave you already.But make no mistake - once there is someone new in the picture, it's already over for your relationship as you know it. It's a terrible pity that he didn't have this conversation about his unhappiness with you long ago before he started developing feelings for someone else. Or maybe he tried to but you were not receptive, either way, it's too bad that the time to possibly have saved the relationship is long gone. Now he already has feelings for someone else, who in turn has feelings for him. He's not going to just shut off his feelings for her nor her for him. It's already over, I think you should be the decisive one here and end it.
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female
reader, Paula4u +, writes (22 January 2013):
 I would let him go, you can't force him to love or stay. Once he is alone he may find life not as nice. Then you will have the upper hand. Meantime, protect your financial status, stand straight tell him you love him and you sorry that it didn't work out, as he is moving things out, you rather would like to discuss this before he takes things that will upset you. Otherwise go and see a sollicitor and ask for his, he is moving out after all. Be strong and be brave, he is deserting you that does not mean you are his doormat. Hugs.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 He took them to work "in case he moves out next weekend"
Honey... make the choice for him.
tell him to MOVE OUT NOW.
then get yourself some counseling both emotional and legal.
MOVE money out of your joint accounts. PROTECT YOURSELF.
he's making his exit plan. TAKE CONTROL and tell him
don't bother to wait... don't come home. Pack his stuff put it on the porch and change the locks.
the key to this is he may realize in a few months that the grass is NOT greener on the other side and he may want to come back but by then hopefully you will have moved on from this.
"IN CASE I move OUT" OMG that would be the last straw for me.. I DO NOT TAKE threats lightly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): Thank you for your answer but I don't want to date anyone else and whatever the outcome don't think I will.We have had a long heartbreaking talk this lunchtime with lots of tears on both sides. He has told me that he has feelings for someone else which are returned but they have not slept together yet as he wants to do the right thing.He told me he still loves me and doesn't want to go but can't stay unless we do more together than sit on the sofa as he feels that life should have more to offer. I have told him I agree and that I will change and make him my number one priority but that he must also help me. I help out with childcare for our grandchildren several days a week and during school holidays which he says stops us going away etc when we want to but he encouraged me to do this when he was travelling a lot.I've told him I'll ask them to take time off during school holidays so we can go away if that's what is needed.I feel as if I'm being made to be the bad guy here as several times when I've suggested things to do he has declined. He is very upset too about the situation and says he wants to stay but he doesn't feel I can change. Unless he tells me how he wants me to change how can I? So far he's decided to stay then to go so I've told him how I feel I can change but told him if he wants this to work he has to fight for it too.He's now going to stay in hotel tonight whilst he sorts his head out and will tell me his decision tomorrow.So there you are it's out of my hands now and all in his. Will let you all know how it goes tomorrow.Thanks for your answers it helps to be able to just tell someone.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 Hi, you have tried the weeping and tried to convince him you can reconcile.
Time to take a hard stand as either way your marriage is at risk.
I recommed the next time you chat dont act desperate, dont cry. Just tell him you agree as yourll both dont rock one anothers boat any more and would like to part as friends. Also you tell him you would like to start dating as you feel you missed out being made to feel special and the romance.
Note this is called using reverse phsychology and may get him thinking but there is no guarantees.
Also you need to start planning a life without him, no matter how hard, how much it hurts, nothing like a positive attitude and presence will speed the healing process and attract men to you.
Men dont like self pity, low confidence woman. So you change for the positive and walk the path with your head held high. Believe in yourself!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): Thank you all for your answers and support. I feel it may be too late for any of it to help though. This morning I noticed that a canteen of cutlery had gone and was missing little houshold items.When I asked him about this he said he had taken them to work in case he moves out at the week-end. He has somewhere to go is going to share with someone, but swears it's not a woman. So much for his honesty when he sneaked things out whilst I was out with the family!! It seems I miss heard when he said we would give it a month or two and we're only giving it a week.How much can change in that time?I asked him if was still going or was he willing to try to make it work he says he doesn't know. When I asked him what I needed to do to make thing better he said be my old self. I can't ever be the 17 year old he married again, he's not 18 either. I told him I would change, he says we're in a rut and don't do things together even sex is now routine.His job is very demanding and he is often late home then sleeps on the sofa. I feel as if I'm taking all the blame here but all the years we have been married I have stayed at home with the children [we have 4] whilst he played sport or went fishing so I had no hobbies and very few friends that aren't joint friends. I feel it's inevitable and he's made up his mind to go but is waiting until his new accomodation is sorted.Do you think we can still make it or should I bow to the inevitable?
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (21 January 2013):
 This is the exact situation my manager is in. I honestly thought you were his wife when I was reading this post at first. He has complained to us for years about his home life, his wife spends all her time taking care of her mother and the grand kids and he spends much of his time working. They don't see each other as much as he would want and he feels lonely and like she doesn't care about him. He's also 62. He says he contemplates divorce sometimes.
If your husband feels exactly as my manager does, and it sounds as though its the same situation, then what you need to do is back off from the rest of your family for a short while. Make your husband your top priority. If the kids or grandkids need you for something then decline, your husband and what he wants to do needs to come first. Setting a date night once a week won't cut it. He needs to feel important in addition to spending more time with you.
He's been feeling this ways for 3 years now so it will take a lot of work to reverse this. Make sure you communicate with him, apologize for not being around as much because of the kids etc. And make sure he feels like he is number one in your life and he can come first. I know if my manager's wife would do any of those things he would be happy.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 January 2013):
I think you guys can make it work...
I strongly suggest some couples counseling to help get through this and figure out how to make both of you happy.
I think he's open and honest enough that he will tell you when he's leaving.
get a counselor
go together
set a date that he can start planning to leave if he's not happy say 6 months from now... he will have to agree to stay and WORK on it for that period of time.
at that time if he's still not happy he can revisit if there is improvement and if he wants to keep trying or if he's so unhappy he wants to leave.
You can't make him stay but you can both work towards fixing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): I know exactly how you feel I'm younger then you but I was married once and the marriage didnt last that long neither my husband lost interest in me and no matter how much effort I put into it the relationship still went south and I ending up walking away from the marriage because I felt I was the only one trying to keep us together. After 2 years when the divorce was almost final he wanted me back but I was already in another relationship someone who really loved me and wanted to be with me. It's a very painful expirience if seeking help does not work maybe you guys should take a break. Hope everything works out.
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