A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, first of all, I'll provide some information about myself. I am 19 years old and I'm in my second semester in University. I live on campus during the weekday and I'm home during the weekend with my parents. (Also, bear in mind, moving out is not an option in my culture.) I come from a chinese family that tend to follow a lot of older generations thinking. This is mainly due to the huge generation gap between my parents and I. So I knew this friend of mine since we were 10 and kept in touch constantly throughout the years. Around August last year, we started talking more and got to know each other pretty well. He has visited me on my uni campus and really got close and found that we really "clicked." He came over to visit me on campus once every month and we saw each other at a competition in Feb and we continued to just get closer and closer. And then I went for a dinner with him and of course, I told my parents that I was out with him etc. I've also introduced him to my parents as well, hoping that they will like him as he is very friendly, kind and sweet. After that dinner, he invited me to his open house which I attended. Well, my parents said like "oh yeah, he's definitely interested in you" and I wanted to tell my parents that I like him too. But they constantly went like "focus on your studies" and "guys would want you given how pretty you are etc." what they don't realise that even if guys want me, doesn't mean I like them ya know? My parents are kinda held up with a high school friend of mine, I'm not sure for what reason even though they've met this new guy more than my friend. I really like this guy and I know he likes me too. I really don't want to pass on a good guy like how I did in the past which is alright because I was quite young. But now, I'm 19 and feel more mature and feel like I can handle my studies and all. I'm a little upset that my parents are constantly telling me to forget about this guy and coming up with some reasons like "You should be with a guy with the same background as you" or "you'll meet more people in the future." To be honest, what really make me fall for him is that I faced several life-changing disappointments last year and I found it difficult to even smile for months, I was actually depressed (Not depression, but like extremely upset with myself and constantly why things had happened). And well this guy came into my life and he listened to what I had to say and really took made an effort to help out in any way. (Btw, we skype quite a bit whenever we talked and WhatsApp). I really want my parents to know that I like this guy and allow me to date this guy. My parents have stopped me from doing quite a few things, the biggest one was that they didn't let me apply to unis out of London when I was studying there and as a result I didn't get into the uni that I wanted and had to return home. And to be honest, I don't want them to stop me from being with this guy like how they veto-ed almost every decision I was suppose to make as an adult. They don't really listen to reasoning or whatever I have to say or they don't really take account of how I feel. (my parents does the same to my brother, which frustrates him and he hates being with my parents due to that). So how do I convince them to let me date this guy? I've been brutally honest with them, more honest than I ever was with them. I let them into my life and they give me a lecture about waiting to meet more people or wait till I'm doing masters and working. A lot of people date at 19 or even younger like in pre-U. What should I do? This guy means a lot and he has told me that I mean a lot to him too. If there is any questions, I'll be happy to answer. So sorry if this sound like a rant or anything. There's a lot to the story, frankly, but this is the main things/reasons for this question. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018): I posted this question and yes I did post before and didn’t get many answers.. Also I forgot to include that the uni I’m in follows the British system.. so I’ve already had my first sem exams and passed all my subjects which showed that I can handle things, better than I thought anyways.. I just really want my parents’ approval that’s all.. I really want them to actually listen to what I have to say BEFORE pushing my feelings aside like how they’ve done in past situations, like when I had to apply to unis. They didn’t listen to reasons. And they’ve never gone to uni or went through the process. So that was a little frustrating and I was patient. My brother is actually 31 years old and they treat him the way they treat me and treat them like a kid and all too.. so I’m not sure what to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018): You are in your freshman year in college and that is a time of making all kinds of adjustments; and establishes whether you will succeed or fail.
You have decisions to make regarding your major, and you need to get that grade-point average strong and steady the first-year; so it will carry you through to the end. Your parents are correct, you need to buckle-down on the studies and that is your reason for being in college!
This paragraph told me a lot:
"To be honest, what really make me fall for him is that I faced several life-changing disappointments last year and I found it difficult to even smile for months, I was actually depressed (Not depression, but like extremely upset with myself and constantly why things had happened)."
You need people to get you through emotional situations or challenges; when you're supposed to hang in there and deal with them yourself. That's what growing-up is about. You were on the verge of depression. So a breakup will devastate you. It's not the same as missing a chance to date someone, you can get over that; because no real feelings have been established.
I think your parents are right; but I think you and your brother aren't ready to make the kind of decisions you think you're ready for on your own. I know you're going to date the boy anyway. Then when the heart-break comes; you will not be able share your pain with your parents. He has to visit you at school, which means it's a long-distance romance. He's going to meet other girls. Then what?
I don't care what other uncles or aunts may think. My experience and bearing witness to this sort of thing dozens of times over the years, confirms one thing. Heartbroken teenage-girls get caught-up in their first-loves, and their academics fall to the wayside. You've never had a real relationship; so you'd put a lot into the first. Your grades will suffer if he breaks your heart. He doesn't attend the same school, so everything is done between devices. Which means he'll be able to see other girls while you're away.
I think you need to buckle-down on your studies this school year. You'll meet boys on-campus. Next year you'll be more established academically and better adjusted. Definitely old enough that you really won't be needing your parents to decide when or who you should date.
Traditional-parents in all cultures will interfere in your love-life. That's being parents. Their wisdom and decisions are based on experience, better judgement, knowing you, and in your protection. All you and your brother know is what you want, regardless of the consequences.
This whole post seems very familiar. I guess the first one didn't get the answers you wanted. Sorry, if you've never written before; but it's uncanny how similar it is to one that is almost just like it, word for word.
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