A
male
age
41-50,
Odds
writes:This is mostly a repost of some advice I posted a while back; Cerberus seemed to like it, and Tisha suggested posting it as an article. Things have been expanded on or reworded a bit.Note that the title is not "How to get a girl," or "How to understand chicks." This is not a list of specifics, such as pickups lines to use or shoes to wear, nor is it intended to get any specific girl. That would be another topic entirely. It's just a general guide on being a more attractive man. With that in mind, here goes...----Above all else, remember these two principles and you should be able to figure things out. 1) Observe actions, not words. What a girl says she wants is meaningless, it's who she chooses to date that you should pay attention to. 2) You can change your actions and personality, but not others'. You can adjust your behavior and mindset to be more attractive, but you can't *make* any girl fall for you.Given that information, here's a few things I've observed and changes I've made. These are in no particular order. You'll notice that a lot of them could be treated as either "how to get chicks" or "how to be a better person." The latter is basically the former plus "have good morals." - Confidence. By this, I mean you act and speak without hesitating, and you don't care what other people think or say about it. You have faith in your ability to handle anything gracefully, including failure and rejection. - Extroversion. Be social. Talk to everyone, pretty, ugly, young, old, men, women. If you only talk to guys, you'll never meet women. If you only talk to pretty girls, their friends will sabotage your efforts. You don't have to get along with everyone - in fact, if you get along with everyone, you're probably being too nice - you just have to treat them all as if they deserve some of your attention. - Self-mastery. Don't get upset when you fail, or when a particular woman doesn't like you. Don't get emotional except on your own terms. Don't let anyone control you, either with direct orders or sly manipulation. If someone tries to control you or mess with you, laugh it off like it's no big deal. If she's being demanding or bitchy, laugh and tease her a little bit, instead of just doing what she wants so she'll stop complaining. - Stay in shape. There are a lot of out-of-shape folks here in the western world. You don't have to be a gorilla, just be strong enough to look good and move furniture. - Enjoy life. Laugh at things. Make jokes. Don't take anyone too seriously, *especially* women. Find a hobby that fulfills you, especially manly physical ones like rock climbing, carpentry, or martial arts. Bonus points if your hobbies make it easier to stay in shape or be extroverted. - Be willing to get angry. This may sound like a contradiction to the previous point, but it's all a matter of degree. If someone is not worth getting angry at, you laugh off any attempt to mess with you. If someone (even your girlfriend) is being truly disrespectful, really crossing a line, you have to be willing and able to look them in the eye, in a calm and controlled manner, showing that you're mad but still in control and tell them to either stop or leave. Don't yell or hit things, unless they throw the first punch, but keeping your anger all bottled up isn't a virtue, it's cowardice. Besides, women want a man who can protect them, and a man who is incapable of getting angry certainly can't protect anyone. - Always be willing to walk away. This is probably the hardest one to get. A woman's ideal man is one who *could* get other women, but *chooses* not to. She wants a man who will not put up with too much nonsense. Some of it, yes, but not too much. Don't be a doormat, have some self-respect. No woman, no relationship is ever worth the loss of your self-respect. Every couple has fights over stupid things, but she has to know - she *wants* to know - there are lines she can't cross without losing you. She will love you more for it. - Do not get complacent. Just because a woman talks to you, dates you, sleeps with you, marries you, has children with you, or celebrates a 50th wedding anniversary with you, does not mean you are home free and get to stop being attractive. Just like paying the bills every month, you have to maintain the attraction you have already established. This isn't easy, especially when it comes to the previous two tips, but it's the way life is.----There's a lot more that can be said on this subject, but it's probably best to keep things simple. It's a beginner's guide, and overwhelming amounts of information will just make it difficult to learn. Still, I would welcome any additions that anyone considers vital information. Nothing is "too obvious" to post; anonymous Internet advice columns are all about answering supposedly-obvious questions.I would also welcome personal stories verifying any of the above traits, or any evidence that this information is wrong.
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reader, Odds +, writes (17 September 2011):
Odds is verified as being by the original poster of the question @ chigirl
"Therefore I will suggest that what is attractive to a woman is also that a man has dating experience, and has been through a serious relationship before in his life."
This is *absolutely* true. From what I've seen, after about age 19 or 20 girls require any guy they date to have a certain amount of experience under his belt. Moreover, up to a certain point having more experience only makes a guy more attractive - nothing wins like a winner, so to speak. Not usually a trick available to a guy struggling just to get that experience.
That's just the benefit of having that history - there's definitely a benefit from what I think you meant, the actual learning experience of it. And you're right, knowing what you want is half of being able to communicate it. Thanks for your input.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Reading Mishmash's addition I see what she means. However, formulating how you feel comes down to KNOWING how you feel, and with many young men in their 20's not knowing themselves, or being immature, they can't formulate how they feel. They simply do not know how they feel. It takes a few relationships and a bit of dating for them, I think, to be able to know how to formulate themselves, and how to know what they want.
Being able to communicate what you want, and better yet; knowing exactly what you want, is attractive. But based on my logic this demands either some rare self insight, or DATING EXPERIENCE. Therefore I will suggest that what is attractive to a woman is also that a man has dating experience, and has been through a serious relationship before in his life.
Not to scare all the fresh men who have never been in a relationship before. If you know what you want in a relationship and know what you look for in a girl, know where the line goes, then great. But most of this appears to not come forth until you've been through a shitty relationship and know what to look for (and what not to go after).
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): After following your posts, I would be very interested in getting the "How to be Attractive, a Beginner's Guide for Women"
:)
I might not agree with everything, but I'm very curious.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (15 August 2011):
Odds is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback, Mishmash.
While I agree that these are generally useful traits, I don't think these are the ones that women should focus on most. I considered writing a similar list for women, but gave up because as a straight man, I have "field-tested" this stuff, but anything about attracting guys would naturally be hypothetical.
When I mentioned girls sabotaging men's efforts, I refer to the pretty common situation of focusing too much on your target (whether her skirt is the shortest or not) and her friend gets annoyed enough to sabotage you. It's rude to ignore the friend, but more importantly, it's counterproductive.
I'm not sure how I feel about your addition. I'm torn between agreeing that communication is important, and believing that it's way too easy to make things worse by talking about your feelings the wrong way. Properly communicating one's thoughts to someone else is a whole 'nother set of tricks; a lot of otherwise decent, wonderful folks are pretty thin-skinned. But, barring the thin skin, I would have to agree that communicating is important to maintaining a relationship, and that people deserve a chance to correct what they're doing before losing someone over it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Nice list Odds. And I think the same list would be very useful for women.
I would emphasize that your 2nd suggestion, "extroversion" is particularly a benefit if you talk to all sorts of people. It's sounds naive, but if you come off as a "nice guy" and you are open to all sort of people in a social setting, it helps a lot. I'm not so sure I agree with girls sabotaging men's efforts. I've never done it personally...but I would probably avoid a man who makes a beeline to the woman in the shortest dress, because I know I won't interest him.
On the other hand I have fallen for a guy at a party BECAUSE he talked to the overweight, quiet woman next to me. He didn't ignore her like everyone else in the room...I thought that showed a lot of character.
I would add an especially valuable skill for men is to verbalize their feelings. In fact, I would say your 7th rule "Always be willing to walk away" is nothing without this skill. Their are so many men who (especially younger men in their 20s) who don't verbalize how they feel, what pisses them off, what makes them insecure, or what they want. I think when people don't communicate what they are feeling they become prey to their own paranoia and insecurities. Instead of telling the other person what they're feeling and giving a chance for the partner to modify their behavior, they build up resentment or jealousy. I found in my 20s, that many men unilaterally decide the relationship would be over...the partner would be the last person to find out.
I'm not expecting 20 years old to stick together and work things out. In fact, I would say you probably should do a lot of dumping in your 20s, but I find a lot of the time, a lot women don't even know why they've been dumped in the first place or what they could have done to avoid it. Men should speak up more about what goes on inside their heads.
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