A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm a 20 year old gay male, and I've got the issue with bringing up an attraction with a friend of mine. (He does not know I'm gay.)Basically, I developed feelings for him, and recognizing the situation attempted to get him to talk about his thoughts on homosexuality. He's okay with the idea, even saying that Christianity's views on homosexuality are a big reason for his becoming an atheist. However, he has said things to the effect of "I don't know what I'd do" when the topic of him and another male came up. (Mind you, it was never ASKED of him, but he just took the time to mention it. This happened before anything I'm about to mention.) So, hearing that and wanting to respect him, I tried to separate my attraction toward him and our friendship.We continued to see each other, and build a friendship, and he started to do things that seriously made me wonder if he was developing an attraction toward me. Things that say he may be into me:-He likes to touch, a lot. Touching on the shoulder, and my side. Many times when he touches my shoulder he does it in long "strokes" that follow the length of my arm. (is the best way I can describe it) We've basically held hands, on several occasions.-After we had seen each other everyday for a week he asks me, before a weekend trip home, "if he'd get to see me" before he left. (I thought this was big, and definitely not something a "normal" friend would say to another.)-Stealing glances in my direction.-I was talking to him about how I was a "heart-breaker" in high-school and he said "So, I'll really have to watch myself around you then"-Has, I think asked me if I'm bi-curious. The conversation essentially started with us sitting down to look at photos on FaceBook. It went something like "If you're curious. Bi-curious perhaps..."-I think I may have caught him touching himself, or at least with an erection when sitting next to me and looking at me occasionally.-Just a number of more generally less than your typical "straight" things. Like taking random photos of me, and himself (on my camera) and leaving. A couple of not so hetero statements. The fact I've never ACTUALLY seen him check a girl out...As you can imagine, I really had a hard time getting the idea that he was straight out of my head. At the same time, it was difficult for me to rationalize that there wasn't some sort of attraction toward me on his part.I tried to sit him down to talk to him about it, and it didn't work. I was so nervous, fearing that I'd loose a friend if I confessed my homosexuality/feelings, that I pretty much chickened out. The entire time he and I were very close, and I think I may have said some things that made him think that I wasn't into him. (I can't even tell you what I said, just that I was a mess...)We went from being within distance to kiss him, to across the couch and him gone within a matter of five minutes. (The whole conversation lasted twenty.) I never told him anything to the effect of "I'm gay, and I like you." I essentially said nothing, at least from my point of view.During the conversation (very close to the end) I asked him if he was interested in anyone and he said that there were two people. One girl, and one guy were interested IN HIM. The girl he said he didn't want and that he "obviously didn't swing that way." (It hurt to hear him say that.)Since then he's been more distant from me, avoiding texts asking if he wants to hang out and grab food, etc. We went from seeing each other every night of the week, to not seeing one another for more than twenty minutes, once during the week and for about two hours tonight. (During that time he was talking about "hot" girls, something he pretty much has never done in the seven months I've known him.) I just don't see, without me really telling him anything, why he'd act that way toward me.Our relationship, in whatever form is important to me, and I know my friendship is importnat to him. But it scares me to death that I REALLY want to talk to him about this. I feel like he and I could be good for eachother. But at the same time I can't ignore the fact that he's said things that are basically "I'm not gay." I don't want to lose a friend over my own stupidity...(And just so you know.) He has been in long term relationships with girls, as have I. (About a year each.) And, I can assume that he's been sexually active with them.I both want, and need to be respectful of him. I'm not in the business of attempting to "turn" straight guys. And frankly, I don't want to waste my time on it. He's essentially told me one thing, that he's straight, and then turned around and acted (and said things) that point in the opposite direction.I have feelings for him, and I'm confused as to if I should even bring it up to him... At this point, I think he's given me plenty of reason to wonder.Thoughts?Should I decide to bring this up to him, what's a good way of doing it, without seeming like I'm coming onto him?I need people's experience, and maybe a fresh pair of eyes.THANK YOU FOR ANY HELP!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): (I'm the original poster of the question)
The reason I've NOT made a move on him was because I was trying to be respectful of the "big picture." I know that a few statements here and there don't amount to being gay, or any sort of attraction. And that his dating history and statements need to be taken seriously.
At the same time, It's difficult for me to understand why someone would say the things he has, in the way he has, with the frequency he does without having an attraction toward me. It has never been my experience that a straight man would pretty much just come out and ask another male friend anything about "bi-curiousity"
Either way, I feel bad that he seems to have been made uncomfortable by something that I said. It's killing me to think that he's angry, or upset with me because that was never my intention. My attraction toward him goes beyond sexual, and I deeply care about his happiness.
At some point, he's going to have to learn that I'm gay. I'm struggling with the decision to just "come-out" and say it. I want nothing out of this relationship that he's not comfortable with, as that's obviously what neither of us wants. (and would do no good.)
I feel like I may have been too cautious with it, and potentially blown the opportunity to be with him.
How have others dealt with this situation? --or, what's a good way to come out to him as gay, without him feeling like I want a disclosure of his sexuality. (I think it's something he should be able to deal with on his on time, and me "forcing" him out of the closet for me would be selfish and just plain wrong.)
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 November 2009):
I think the first thing to do is come out to him, you can't keep lying to him and expect to keep a friendship going.
So tell him you are gay. He clearly already suspects so you just need to confirm those suspicions.
He may well come out to you at the same time, you never know, but if not then find out that he's ok with you and just accept that he may just have to be a friend.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, butrcupz622 +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Maybe your friend is experiencing different emotions at this time that he may not know how to deal with. Because he has dated females in the past, it could mean that he's only confused and more than scared at any possible realization that he might actually like you. Telling him that you like him right now may not be the best thing as he's yet to confront his own emotions. Stick to being his friend for now and hopefully in the future, if he is interested, he might make the first move.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): By what you've described, it sounds like his actions and his words don't line up. Be careful to not just look for the signs that he likes you; make sure to take in the whole picture.
I'd hold off on telling him what you feel for him. It sounds to me like he already knows. I don't think that you have anything to feel bad about - it sounds like he has some issues coming to terms with how he feels.
I think that all you can do is give it some time. He obviously enjoys spending time with you but seems to want some space. Don't be afraid to give it to him. Back off and put more energy into your life and interests. People always want what they can't have and if you're happy and active and if he can come to terms with how he feels, it may work out. If it doesn't, don't take it personally. It really sounds like he does like you, but the issues standing in the way are all in his head.
Good luck!
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