A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:IDK what to do, I'm starting to get really in a deep depression over this feeling I've got that is eating me slowly.I'm deeply in love with a guy I met year and a half ago. For me it was love at second sight, since I realize I was into him from our 2nd meeting. Yeah there was a connection, cuz I felt it quite strongly than with no one else. This had never happened to me.He was sweet and flirty and like I impressed him, but I guess it was only me. We had to separate cuz he was on assignment and left. I decided to contacted him later and he replied BUT as friends. He's military and it didn't matter where he was or is I still contact him.He says he enjoys our friendship and emailing, but somehow he never states he feels something for me although he cares.The thing is this I found out he's married. To late yet on time for me to do something stupid with him.Now, my heart is broken and Idk how to feel, all this I felt I just have to throw it to the garbage and how I do that? HELPI hinted he was with someone, but never married. I do go out with friends and all and what to tell them the guy I was emailing is hitched! I feel so ashame......I cut comm with him but my heart still aches, sorry!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): Congratulations for cutting communication wiht him. I know it's hard but is for you own good.
Precious, I've been on your shoes so many times in my life... and knew there should be something wrong with me. Why? because you know you don't want to tell your friends because it had happened to you before (& they know) and/or you feel sorry for yourself for being alone still and can't stand another rejection.
Let me ask you about the relationship you had with your parents as a child. I bet you were somehow neglected and/or rejected by one or both of them at some point. That's why you keep getting involved with men who don't show a lot of interest in you. You are unconsciously trying to make up for your parents' neglection and each rejection just contributes more and more to your already low self esteem and to your wrong belief that you need the approval of the people you admire to be happy. Or that you need to feel accepted to be happy.
Been there done that. I'm your age and single (and happy about it) I've suffered the neglection of my parents as a child and just until this very year of 2008 I was able to understand that my behavior with men and sometimes people wasn't right. Something was wrong with me because I became obssesed and very depressed and frustrated with the least important people in the world and/or with men who rejected or neglected me.
I read self help books and focused on my childhood and on emotionally healthy people's lives and noticed the pattern I described before.
I wasted all my teenage years and even twenties running towards men who flirted with me but really didn't show any interest to have a relationship with me. They just liked to flirt and since I didn't know what a real relationship was like I thought this was the beginning of one. Also I needed their approval to feel good about myself. I got caught up in my own lie and my own fantasy about those men who really weren't as great and perfect as I thought they were.
I have learned to understand that when men are interested in you they express it and they take action. Flirting and being sweet doesn't mean the man is interested in having a relationship with you. The world is full of flirty men who wan to feel good about themselves.
You really need to be more aware of your own feelings and responsible about your emotions so you wouldn't waste them in people who don't care about them.
It seems you have a low self esteem and are looking for a man to feel better about yourself and that's a terrible mistake. Nobody wants to be with somebody who thinks she's nobody.
I understand you feel terrible because after all he betrayed you but Are you going to let a fantasy ruin your life? Don't let another precious day pass you by crying about this man who doesn't deserve it. He is no perfect man. He is a very bad person for commiting emotional adultery with you and for not caring about the commitment he made to his wife.
You should not be crying about that idiot but you should be on your knees praising God for taking him out of your life.
I'm really sorry about your suffering. Last year I was suffering a great deal because of a big break up I had and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through what I went last year. The wet pillows, the puffy eyes in the morning, the big pain in the chest... the sorrow... I promise it will all go away.
Something that Will help you a little is trying new things. Your brain needs to form new connections so you would feel different. Try changing the layout of your bedroom, try a new haircut, new makeup and thigns you've never done before. Go to church, meet new people... and you'll see you'll start to care a little about other things and thinking less and less about him.
Please stop meeting men over the internet and idealizing and fantasizing about them so you wouldn't repeat the cycle.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): I think the original meeting with this guy was an attraction. He probably was attracted to you, but never intended on letting you know he was married. He has made it clear it is just friends now and you will probably have to stay true to your cut off and extinguish the communication to get over him. Poor thing... I feel for you with getting into a depression. I have done that too. I have been married for 11 years, not happy and get so tied up with a male friend of mine too. I am trying to settle my feelings too but it is hard. My friends always tell me to move on or try and work on my marriage. It takes a lot of energy and emotions to do both. You have to start thinking and doing things for yourself. The difference it sounds like with your situation is that the guy is not around anymore...My fling still comes around (when he wants to). It is hard to move on, but you have to start with gaining self confidence in yourself. This guy was not the only guy out there. Even though you just fell in love with him, he is a part of your past now. Go out more, flirt, become more aware of who you are. Like I am trying to tell myself, we have to have someone fall in love with us - not just parts of us. It can not be on sided and that is where I am hoping I am not at. I have a posting here too, and not sure where I should go either. I do have interactions with my "other one" which is great during the times we are together, but once apart - I am more at the point of wondering when we will meet up next. It is so hard to follow through with advice given, yet we can tell it. Emotions are a horrible thing. If only we had the "male" mentality, we could all think straighter and with less feelings hurt. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): Ok, let me get this straight you are deeply in love with a man that you never had a relationship with. You are deeply in love with a man whom you had strong connection with or so you thought, but it was one-sided on your part as he is married and has never indicated that he felt a deep connection towards you. And now because he is not around for you to connect with, and now because he has told you he is not interested basically in you romantically as he is married, but he cares about you....you are becoming deeply depressed.
First off, you don't really know what love is....if this is the first time you have felt a strong connection with someone and not had your feelings returned, you are unaware of what this really is. It is simply your brain playing a trick on you. You are infatuated, you like him you are physically attracted and he has flirted back with you so your feelings have gotten really intense because you started fantasizing about a relationship with him and who you thought he was....but guess what, you were wrong, he doesn't measure up to your idea of him, he is married he is gone and he isn't into you.
Count your blessings instead of lamenting that it is too late to do something stupid with him, like get involved romantically with some other woman's husband. The danger of a connection is that it masks the reality of the situation, your intense feelings are mistaken for love, your intense feelings are keeping you from seeing things clearly. Deep love does not occur like this, passion and lust, yes, but not deep love. That comes with a solid foundation of trust and friendship and a connection of the mind heart and soul.....none of which you have with this other woman's husband.
Instead of lamenting and asking why did this happen, why have I lost him, why did I fall in love with someone who is unavailable to me and since this has never happened before it must be the real thing and I have missed my chance, I will never find this kind of love again.
Well, think thank goodness I will not find this kind of love again. Next time I will be smarter, I will be more discriminating in my choices, I will not fall deeply attached until I get to know someone better, he will have to fit my characterististic in a partner, for one he won't belong to someone else.....and I will think whether or not he is good enough for me instead of the other way around.
Depression is anger turned inwards. You are angry and dissappointed that he is married that you did not get what you want, let that out, process it and then let it go...don't analyze it, don't ask why, there aren't any real answers for this it was an emotional experience so there is not logical reason for why it happened, and there in lies the problem
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