A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My sister told me the other day via Skype she still claims she's in the honeymoon phase with her girlfriend, 7 years on from meeting her in February 2014.This was a conversation that came out of the blue during our Skype call.Surely this can't be true, and she's just trying to cover up something?She claims they've had disagreements and arguments over silly things and are generally similar, and they've never got into a huge disagreement where one won't speak to the other. She said they've got similar ideas on things like kids (both want to be child-free), retirement/pensions, money; while everything's not 1-to-1, it's pretty similar.She claimed "yes, it's not all perfect, but it's not a situation where we're yelling at each other and getting into physical fights or verbal abuse, it's just... good!"She even claims there's no drama with exes, she's had only 4 relationships before now, all short-term and didn't work out and currently their biggest issue is deciding what car to buy; a Mercedes-Benz C-Class, Volkswagen Golf or Mitsubishi ASX (according to what I've read these are popular here in South Africa) as they can afford it.I'm wondering how someone could still claim to be in the honeymoon phase even 7 years on, and during coronavirus / quarantine!I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years now, and while our relationship's been good, we've not had major fights and we moved in together in August 2019; the only real major issue was money (she wanted a job that paid her R 240 000 more than her current salary and she'd have had a longer commute for it; I was worried about a move but she reassured me no move was needed) and stress issues about sports bras (trying to find good ones was difficult in shops, she didn't like the selection online) rather than arguments over things like exes or jealousy or finances.OK, so being a same-sex couple isn't easy in South Africa, even though it should theoretically be on paper.But back to my main point... my sister is claiming that "You CAN still have the honeymoon period going on indefinitely!"Is it weird for this sort of thing to happen in a committed relationship that's gone on for 7 years now?As it is, me and my sister are from a middle-class background, white South Africans of mixed Chinese/Afrikaans heritage although we look more white than Chinese! Race is a sensitive issue here in South Africa for obvious reasons.Am I wrong for thinking this is unrealistic about my sister and has my view been skewed my the media and relationships sites?I'm in Cape Town, my sister lives in Durban and for obvious reasons it's difficult to see each other physically.Basically... I'm asking, is what my sister saying nonsense or is she too over-optimistic?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2021): Some people just are. The honeymoon period is just a 'saying' I wouldnt hold onto it too much. Ive been with my husband for 12 years. We have never had a massive argument, even though there have been discussions and disagreements. I love him more and more each day. We are currently expecting our planned 3rd baby during lockdown. People have also questioned how we havent fallen out, but We just work.
You shouldnt compare yourself to other people as we are all different. Just because couples argue doesnt mean they dont love eachother. Just because couples dont argue doesnt mean they are more in love than others, it could be that they are both laid back people who dont like confrontation! My best advice is to just get on with your life and leave your sis to hers. X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): It should not matter what others do. Don't compare yourself and your happiness with others. People often do lie, boast and fluff up their feathers. Nobody likes to be vulnerable, honest or seen as average or even having failed at anything. Well, that is unrealistic. And not human. Facebook and Instagram are two of the ultimate look at me apps where everybody has the perfect life. Not so. They only want you to think that....Having said that though, it is possible for some relationships to remain in the "honeymoon phase" just by sheer attitude or the type of relationship they are in. Biologically the infatuation or chemical rush phase is only intended to last up to 2 years MAX. It then turns into comfortable, committed love. Not the crazy, intense love it was in the beginning. But it is what you make of it and your attitude. Some couples manage to stay in love and in the honeymoon much longer although most do not. The ones who do know the secret. They realize that the high wears off naturally but by that time it is up to them to put in the WORK. The feeling cannot sustain itself by the flood of chemicals as they will dissipate. They are supposed to! Read about the phases of LOVE by Helen Fisher. It is very eye opening. Many seek out other relationships to find that in love feeling again. They are not emotionally wise. And completely unrealistic and bounce from one relationship to another. Relationships must be maintained and worked on from both sides. And if both sides value and treasure each other, and always pay attention to each other and the relationship, they can definitely live in a version of a honeymoon phase but I would rather call it a contented phase. Just being happy is enough these days!So, an example of relationships that sustain themselves longer in the honeymoon phase are: affairs, long distance relationships, casual relationships etc. Relationships where both people are not together 24/7 and do not see each other everyday. They anticipate each other. Look forward to their time together without real life intruding too much. They have some sort of an escape. I think sharing a life with someone can eventually become mundane and average. I think people who are not in traditional or conventional relationships may be able to have the honeymoon feel longer. But then you might ask yourself how deep is their connection? And are their values or needs different? Some people enjoy less traditional relationships because they like the feeling of DATING their partner. That often changes with commitment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2021): To be honest, why do you care how she describes her relationship? Everyone sees things from their own perspective. If she has had a series of short or unsuccessful-relationships in the past; but this one has lasted a record-breaking seven whole years!!! In gay-culture, that's nearly a lifetime! I'm just being facetious! That's a long-time for any couple! Good for her! Comparatively-speaking, this relationship is still in the honeymoon-phase next to those she has experienced in the past!
Remember now, the imaginary-concept referred to as the "honeymoon phase" is merely the romantic-notion of a blissful period in a new committed-relationship. A happy and healthy relationship can remain blissful, harmonious, and fulfilling for a lifetime! You can describe your happy relationship in any terms you like.
She still mentioned all the typical ins and outs that will occur within all relationship; but she's boasting about their atypical compatibility and enduring happiness together. Not your stereotypical gay/lesbian drama, often played-out theatrically like a bad reality-TV show! You've basically described your own relationship somewhat the same; without referencing it in terms of being a rosy perpetual greeting-card depiction of a marriage or relationship; some people must assume it's a real thing! Which we all know is unrealistic; but to see it that way would be a testimony of harmony and contentment from anyone's point of view. That is, as long as they feel much in-love. You can't take it literally, because the term "honeymoon phase" in itself is merely an endearing-expression! When they hit nasty bumps, I'm sure expletives or swear-words might be more of an accurate description of their love-nest, until all is resolved!
Most people want to be envied and admired by onlookers. They brag and chronicle their artificial happiness on social media! As if they never go to the bathroom or pass gas! They even go so far as to create contrived online commercial-like videos to publicize to all viewers how absolutely perfect their lives are. That's all to be taken with a grain of salt, or viewed with side-eyes. We know people fight like cats and dogs, and no relationship is perfect. No matter what people claim. You should still be joyous for yourself and others; when our relationships can endure challenges, obstacles, and the wear and tear of time!
Be happy that she still feels that way about her relationship. Even though you and I know better!
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