A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've just learnt that my dad has cheated on my mum with six different women and three different men over the past 20 years after I saw a family friend, Jane, recently.She told me that Dad expected her to keep it secret (this woman was a co-worker originally, but became a good friend to the family(, and that Dad's got a secret girlfriend who's a nurse, and she's 38. Apparently this woman's quitting nursing to work in a local supermarket.Jane told me how Dad got one man to leave his fiance for him and now the man's come forward with allegations my Dad forced him into an abusive relationship. The man was 28 at the time, he's now 33.The man's threatening to go to the media about this according to social media.I feel sick, and let Mum know immediately; she actually vomited and told me she wants a divorce.I didn't like telling her one bit, but had to do it.Jane told me she didn't want to keep it secret, but he threatened her and said he'd tell everyone how she cheated on her husband (which isn't true, and as it is, she's single... well, her fiance left her for another woman in 2008) and she's frightened of my dad.My mum's worried about divorcing dad, especially financially, since she's the main one in charge of finances.If things weren't bad enough, Dad had got COVID-19 last year and I barely saw him much anyway.I love my parents but am now questioning whether I love my dad as much, especially since he sent me a WhatsApp last night claiming my fiance slept with him (which is nonsense, my fiance is not gay or bi); I asked my fiance what this was about and he said "What the hell?"I don't know what to do for the best here, or how to support my mum. She wants to divorce Dad but is worrying about post-divorce life; most of her friends live in Australia. She moved here for work and loves life here but doesn't have many friends (she's Indian-Australian and was active in the local community there until moving here for work, and then me born in the 1990s!)My parents are Australian-born but I was born here and have got dual citizenship somehow.I had considered living in Australia one day but socially, don't know where I'd fit in; with fellow Kiwi expats or Indians in cities like Sydney, Brisbane, Perth or Adelaide.I know I can move between NZ and Australia freely due to the trans-Tasman thing but obviously right now isn't the right time.I wanted to get a job in marketing/PR since that's my skillset currently. My current job is managing a car dealer website, not a bad job, but not great due to the current climate and slow interest in car sales.I'm of Indian descent, but very Westernised, yet in recent years, I've started to become more aware of my culture; it's not like it's been a major influence on my life but I'm aware that people like me will face racism especially due to the media making it a bigger issue. I know New Zealand is largely egalitarian but I have faced racism.As a kid I was the girl few boys wanted to date and treated as a joke, largely due to my race and people telling me to "get back to India" (even though I was born here!). Boys thought I was fat, and I didn't get much of a chance to date in high school due to people being racist and treating me as a joke; the few friends I did have from high school now live in the U.S. or UK.Dating has been a problem for me since some guys see me as too much of a tomboy when I'm not even one (I'm more interested in fashion and makeup etc. despite cars being an interest of mine) and some guys won't believe I'm not a tomboy even when I explain it to them that I'm feminine in behaviour! On dating apps I've faced abuse for skin-colour in addition to the above.But before you think it's just me complaining, I've had horrific insults and one guy claiming "you're a fucking lesbian who needs a beard, grow up, we don't need you".I use OKCupid etc. never dating apps.Sure, I've blocked people and moved on, but the issue is that I get a lot of racist abuse and people questioning about my job and interests claiming it doesn't seem like something someone my race would do or someone who's supposedly overly girly would do. I keep having to block people and it's getting annoying.Our family aren't religious, even though we're Indian.I've learnt a bit from Mum and family about my background but haven't really spent as much time with people from my culture as white people or within my area, local American expats (there's a small group of them).Mum works as a delivery driver and enjoys her job, she feels it gives her more satisfaction than a job where she's either in the office 9-5 or forced to work from home (she's done that for years now).I feel like I have to help mum but don't know how.Sorry for this wall of text... but my three issues are helping mum, my dating life and trying to discover more about myself to enrich my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2021): Your mother has a lot of fears typical of women in her situation; and might live in denial, for fear of change and the unknown. All you can really do is coax her to do what's best for her mental-health and well-being; not to worry too much about the financial-aspect of divorce, that's what a competent divorce-lawyer is for.
Once she has consulted with an attorney, she will gain more confidence. Being married for years, and then suddenly becoming single late in life; that is a very unsettling reality. Your mother might be pretending she was unaware of your father's shenanigans; but most wives have a sixth-sense about what's going-on secretly in their marriages. Like far too many, I believe she looked the other-way.
She may have fallen out of love with your father years ago; but for your sake, and fear of being alone, she resigned to the cards she was dealt. If you make her feel she has your full-support, and stick just a little closer for the time being; it will give her a little more courage to know that she's not facing the future alone. You don't have to be physically-present every moment. Just the knowledge that you love her, and you're behind her all the way; that means more than you might realize. You've mentioned no siblings, I will presume you are an only-child. If not, encourage your siblings to join forces; and make her feel supported and loved through her hard-times.
Your father is something else! I mean...WOW! I might see where you could miss certain things about his mischief and faithlessness. He might be adept at covering his tracks! Especially, when your mother has never alerted you or openly complained of any problems in their marriage...which isn't unusual for parents. Most wouldn't. Considering that's their problem, and not yours!
Speaking in generalities, it's almost built-into traditional eastern and Asian-culture's to allow men to do as they please, as long as they're somewhat discrete. Some married-men being philanderers and cheating-husbands is universal; but our patriarchal-leaning societies (that includes all cultures) sort of turn a blind-eye, unless the woman is the one caught cheating. In the Bible, the Jewish religious leaders, known as Pharisees; dragged an adulterous-woman before Jesus Christ, claiming they caught her in the act of adultery. They shamed her publicly, and demanded Jesus to condemn her and give them His "religious opinion." Their remedy was to stone her! Jesus is not "religious," being the Son of God! His judgement is pure and just.
Fully-authorized by His divine nature and kingly-stature alone! Not to force anyone to believe this, but that's your free-choice! If you do, then you know what I mean! Good Christians do not force their beliefs on anyone, we try to share our testimony and experience; and we give God His due praise and glory! It's not about us, or our righteousness! It's about HIM!
Uhm...where was the guy she was caught cheating with???
Jesus, drew in the sand with his finger. He didn't even bother to look-up. He pointedly addressed her vicious hypocritical-accusers by saying; "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" They all left one by one, not saying one word. Still, who was the guy she cheated with, and why didn't they drag both of them to be publicly-humiliated and stoned to death? That's what mosaic law required at that time! Jesus forgave the woman, and sent her away to sin no more. That hasn't changed a bit to this date! Men don't fear societal-ostracism for cheating, as much as we should.
Your mother will get used to single-life. We learn to survive alone, and we find that the independence is not necessarily a curse, or loneliness. Most women outlive their husbands anyway; so sooner or later, she'd be dealing with single-life anyhow. She's just going to get a taste of it sooner than later! Be there for her. In time, you'll see strength in her you've never seen before. Your neighbor and fiance know that your dad's reaction is typical of someone lashing-out after they've been caught red-handed! Your boyfriend has every right to suggest to your father he could very well face a lawsuit for libel and slander; if he decides to publicize his lies and slanderous-falsehoods! They're idle-threats, it would only mean your boyfriend's attorney would be forced to expose your father's lack of credibility; which might not protect him from liability! He really couldn't afford that and a divorce! He'd be better-off to slow his roll!
As for racism. I've faced it all my life. I'm also biracial. I have a dark olive-complexion, with somewhat almond-shaped eyes. Tough to pinpoint exactly what race I actually am. Greek/Moroccan and indigenous Native American. My dad's deep tan skin is not usual of most Greeks; because of a darker influence found in his genetic pool. Racism isn't new. My native-American heritage has faced genocide, stolen land, and now live in poverty on rundown reservations. Lacking many resources most take for granted. To date, there has been no native-American president, and very few appointed or elected to significant political positions of real power.
Not all reservations have gambling casinos; or live atop rich mineral-deposits, or oil reserves. You have to face racism with dignity; and the determination that you do, and will, exist! God made all of us! He loves diversity, and designed our differences; and created beauty in all forms. No one race is superior to any other!!! All races and creeds have contributed to making this wonderful country I live in what it is. Craziness and evil has pervaded our society for the lack of true-faith and worship of our Lord. A vile and godless cult-mentality now idolizes "human/mankind;" in place of the one true living God. They even try to worship two masters! A chosen hate-monger, and God! God is not having that! He's too jealous! He repeatedly proclaims His hatred and intolerance to idolatry! He will not allow the hatred of our neighbors! His commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself! How is this ignored by "so-called-Christians" waving hate-flags; blasphemously bearing the name of Jesus and an ugly likeness? It's unbelievable this is real!
Your skin-tone and natural beauty may not be acceptable to some; but it's up to you not to allow that to be a hindrance to your success or prosperity. You should be proud of a magnificent heritage that is now even represented in our new administration here in the US. A woman, of Asian and African descent. Smart, beautiful, and accomplished. She also faces racism, in spite of all her great qualities and accomplishments; but it's not new, sweetheart. It is the reality of life. I trust and believe in my faith, accept Jesus Christ as my Savior; and I believe in a living and Almighty God. It's how I live in peace, because I trust in Him with all my heart, mind, and spirit. He takes care of me, protects me (and mine), and provides for all my needs. It was passed down from my parents, and continues throughout all our family. If you don't believe, or don't know faith and worship; it's free and available to anyone. He "gives" you the choice not to believe. You don't really choose Him, He is sovereign and divine, He chooses you! I'm strictly a Christian. I do not belong to any "political party." I vote for whomever has the qualifications, experience, and a solid-character to back it up. Politics is incessantly evil. It is what has divided us, and made racism practically a religion. God save us!
As for love, and having to divorce or leave someone who is wrong for us. It's just a matter of time before someone else comes along and sees in us what they are looking for. Most of us desire the whole enchilada in some immediate timeline; assuming that we deserve it all when we want it. "Now!" Not later, or over prolonged time! Wondering why should it be delayed for us, while it seems everybody else finds somebody? Not everybody achieves a college degree early in life, not everybody gets to have a child while still in their early 20's, not everyone is born wealthy; and not everyone was born white, blue-eyed, and blonde. Your destiny and your future is designed strictly for YOU! Comparing your life to others will frustrate you; and make you resentful, or insecure. You'll believe you should have everything others have, or be what others were born to be. Be grateful for blessings, from wherever or whomever you might think they come from. I know they come from God. Believing otherwise, won't change that! We are free to believe whatever we want. God doesn't force Himself on anybody. He wants love given of our freewill. His is free to all...good or bad!
Your time has come, after weeding through all those bigots and losers. Yet love has still found you! Those past disappointments and all that discouragement has made you a stronger person. Why must we suffer or endure delays to our happiness? You may need to fulfill something in your destiny first. Arrogance and entitlement must be curbed and eradicated. Christians know that divine-intervention will delay or avert those from us who may cause us pain or harm...He protects us out of love and grace, regardless of our lack of belief. Unbelievers are still loved by God. Some bad-people have been divinely-appointed into our lives for the purpose of thickening our skins, teaching us discernment, even improving who we are in some ways; and empowering our resolve to preserve our values, and to stand-up for what's right!
Life's delays and disappointments are a test and learning-exercise you must undergo to develop your survival-skills. How do know what works and or is dependable without putting it to the test? You must learn empathy through your own pain and suffering. Our genders may undergo gender-specific roles and differing expectations in life; but those skills of survival we obtain level the playing field for all races, and both genders. Even when evil tries in every way to discourage, scare, divide, or oppress us! God is in-charge! Whether you believe it, or not! We are predestined to find our particular mate(s); whether for a lifetime, or only temporarily. As was the fate of your mother. Such is life, which has its rewards, failures, and sacrifices. God is always good! He'll walk beside us, and carry us through it all!
I believe your mother will be just fine. Just writing to express your concerns says so. You, your fiance, her friends, and your extended-family will all be there to support her through thick and thin. Right? I pray God will bless your forthcoming marriage, divine providence will cover your mother; and maybe God may even change your father in unforeseen ways. I think in this case, divorce is biblically-sanctioned for adultery. Your father may never change; but she should not suffer for it.
Everyone is given a fair chance at atonement and redemption. We are given a choice to pursue it, or we will face the consequences of our evil ways. God will forgive all sins, if we are repentant, and sincere; and have a true desire to love and follow Him. That's not only directed towards you, it's for anyone who reads this. Otherwise, just ignore what you don't care for; and find wisdom in what you might be able to use. You have freewill!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 March 2021):
 Your mom should consider talking to a divorce lawyer. But I think she needs to do it without telling your dad, as he doesn't seem like a safe person.
Then she needs to gather ALL her important legal documents and keep them in a safe place (such as a trusted family member's home or a safety deposit box at a bank).
Then she might want to start a "safety egg" a bit of saving to get out asap.
The next step would be to look for a pace she can afford on her own.
If she wants out NOW but doesn't feel safe, JUST tell her to gather her important papers and find a woman's shelter perhaps? Or a friend/family that can take her in. Or maybe she can come to stay with you for a while since I think you don't live with them?
As for your dating life.
Did you not state you have a fiance?
"I love my parents but am now questioning whether I love my dad as much, especially since he sent me a WhatsApp last night claiming my fiance slept with him (which is nonsense, my fiance is not gay or bi); I asked my fiance what this was about and he said "What the hell?"|
So why do you need dating advice?
Be who you are. Don't worry about people wanting to label you, that is a "their issue" not a "you issue". If anyone wants to debate with you whether you are a tomboy or not, just shake your head and tell them you are you. You are in your mid-20's - no one should give a flying F about what "type" of woman you are. And if they STILL want to debate that, well then you know who you eliminate from your friends or acquaintance circle.
Your cultural heritage is important. I think if your mom can divorce and get away from your dad you can delve more into that. Also, you could try one of those DNA kits. And perhaps in the future travel (maybe with your mom) to your home country?
Also, "white people" are not some homogenous one-shoe-fits-all group. There is plenty of different nationalities and cultural background. Just like there is a lot of diversity in India depending on caste, region, religion.
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