A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So after a long few weeks of thought and depression, I have come to the decision that after have moving 1,000 miles to be with my long distance boyfriend I want to move back home. Only problem is that I am horribly conflicted. I am still completely in love with my boyfriend, as we have been together for 4 years, only one of them not long distance. I enjoy being here, and I've had lots of fun but I feel like I'm not moving forward, in the relationship or in terms of my life and future. I have a crappy job that has recently cut my hours, I don't make enough money to go to school in the near future, or to buy any of the things I want for me, like a car. I don't even have enough money left over after bills to save. It's just way too expensive to live here, especially since I can't get a good paying job.Back at home I have family, friends, my dog, and the life I left behind. I miss it all very much. And the cost of living is so much cheaper, I could afford to go to school, save up for a car, and live comfortably so I could move forward with my life. I've always wanted to move back since I got here since I've been terribly homesick but he never wanted to. I have never been able to convince him to move there, even before I moved for him. And I had to move for him or our relationship would have ended. He's too comfortable here to even move to another city here. I feel like I'm doing all the compromising.But like I said I am horribly conflicted. I love him with all of my heart and it's so hard for me to imagine my life without him. And I know I am not doing myself any favors by staying here because I will never live the life I want to live and the relationship will remain one sided based on sacrifice. I feel like I've tried so hard for this relationship to work over the years, it's finally catching up with me and I can't take it. I feel like when the relationship has had problems I have always been the one there to fight them off, and he's sat idly by as I've fought for the relationship and he listened to me as I persuaded him that our relationship was worth it. I believe that he loves me as much as I love him, but he's selfish and has terms on love. I feel as though there is nothing left for our relationship if he is not willing to sacrifice, or at least be open to the possibility of moving.Therefore, when I finally muster up the courage to talk to him about this, how should I begin? I am terribly afraid he will be his usual self and refuse to move. He has always had the upper hand because he knew I was always afraid to lose him because he knew I didn't have the guts to leave, but this time I mean business. I want to move, whether he wants to or not. Only problem is, I don't think I am prepared to lose the one I love. I am not prepared for this heartbreak. If at all possible, I want to pursue long distance again until we both figure out things. I love him, but I don't think I can sacrifice my future for love any longer. If he does decide he doesn't want to move and wants to break up, what can I do to make it easier for me to get over it? I want this to be as painless and fast as possible. I am very sad, and wish this wasn't so hard...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): I am in the same boat. I was actually looking up advice online and came across your article. I totally agree with Tisha. I moved with my boyfriend to his hometown which is about 8 hours from where I am from. I have been here for about 2 years, now he wants to break up. We have had a lot of problems and can't get past them. We are also very different. Now, I have to decide if I want to stay here and try to make a life myself or move back home. I feel if I stay here I will keep hope that we will get back together and he has made it very clear that he does not want to get back together. So, I am moving back home... i think. I have a few days to decide, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so confused and lost. I mean I miss my family and have wanted to go back home for sometime now, but I know if I go there is absolutely no chance for us to work things out. Please help!
A
male
reader, luckytjf +, writes (23 January 2010):
ok here is what you do: you get him in a happy mood first. you then ask him this question exactly as i put it:
hey have you ever thought of moving back to my town with me?
and if he says no you oh ok and then say:
i'm kind of homesick :( and miss my mum dad and dog and try to cry.
if he is a good enough boyfriend and loves you enough he will work things out with you and hopefully move back with you or you can repeat being long term boyfriend/girlfriend
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to the both of you for responding, I appreciate it so much.
Soon567, thank you for your kind and supportive words :]
Tisha, I don't know where to begin. When I first began dating him, I fell hard. Head over heels. And yes, for the time we were long distance, it definitely put strain on the relationship. But we always got through it. And once, I began having some doubts about us, and asked him if we could take a break. That was the only time I ever saw him get really upset. He was genuinely sad because he thought we broke up, but in reality, I just needed my space. But since then, we experienced some difficulties. I began losing hope in us once again not long down the road. I was depressed and didn't put much effort into my part of the relationship, and instead of talking to me about it or fighting for the relationship, we wound up breaking up. And you know who fought for the relationship? I did, despite the fact that I caused it. I begged him to take me back. Which didn't last long, he broke up with me a month later saying he didn't want to be on a leash and he wanted space. That was a rough spot for me. And he finally came to his senses a couple months later and said that I had to move there or it was over. I was so depressed and vulnerable at that period, I did whatever it took to salvage what little chance we had left.
At first, I was happy. The same kind of happy I felt when I got to see him for the first time in months, as it always had been. And then the homesickness set in. I wanted to move back, with him of course, but he wouldn't have it. I remember every discussion I had with him about it I was crying and he convinced me to stay. I assume he believes that he's not the ONLY reason I moved here, because he's under the impression that I also moved for school opportunities, which I convinced myself to believe as well until I realized how impossible it is. And to my knowledge, he believes he is making sacrifices. He stopped hanging out with certain people, which is absurd because I never told him he couldn't hang out with them, just the fact I wasn't fond of them. Should he chose to hang out with them, then so be it. I don't have to hang out with them. And of course, he's supported me financially since I got here, he still does to this day. But when I first moved out here, I was living with him and his mom for the first 9 months. So he and his mom were paying for my food and grocery needs. I got a job a few months after moving here and so I started paying his mom rent. Now, we live in our own apartment [our lease is up in September], so I pay for all of my bills except for groceries. I don't make enough money to pay for all of my bills plus groceries. So when I can, I buy a few groceries or take us out to eat, like he does. And like I said, I don't have my own car so I drive his. I pay for the gas to drive it, which I only drive to work. So yes, he's supported me more than enough financially, and still is but it's just not enough when it comes to my education, family, and future.
I agree, I do have a lot of growing up to do. And yes, he is my only long term serious relationship. I am only 19, soon to be 20. And believe me, I've often been curious of what else is out there, but it's so hard for me to let go of something that has been so dear to me for so long. I have a hard time admitting that this may be the end, but I guess if you look at it he's the one ending it, not me. I've tried.
I just know the hardest part of this whole thing is the realization that I might lose him. I don't want to. But I also don't want to jeopardize my future. It seems like it's just all fun and games out here, no intention of doing anything or going anywhere. And that's not what I want for me. I look at him, his face and it makes it so much harder to leave because I feel in my heart how much I love him. I couldn't imagine breaking up and having to bear seeing him later on down the road with another girl, thinking to myself that should be me...I'm at a standstill. I literally can't choose. I know what's right for me, but I just can't seem to make the leap.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 January 2010):
 I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in; it sounds very sad and unhappy. It's certainly lopsided, if you give in and make all the sacrifices all the time.
I would be astonished if he wasn't aware that you are unhappy. So when you tell him your decision (I think you've made it already) he shouldn't be surprised. If he can't understand and isn't supportive of you--even if he isn't supportive of the decision, there's a difference--then it should make things begin to be easier for you.
You're in a place that is breaking you, financially and spiritually. You have to leave for your own mental health and future. If he doesn't see that, then he doesn't have your best interests at heart. If he doesn't have your best interests at heart, he's not truly in love with you. He may love having you around and love you as a person, but he isn't capable of the adult, mature love that you deserve.
I know this sounds trite, but you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You have time to build a true partnership with someone who supports you in whatever you do. This long distance thing is killing you, I think.
Full disclosure: I was in an LDR for 3 years and I married him. I had to move away from my friends, the job came with me, so that was easier, but it is HARD to move and give everything up. Resentment can build inside you, especially if you feel he's not recognizing of your sacrifices. Now my man was completely supportive of me and we didn't have the rocky road that you apparently have. I was also a lot older and had had other relationships and so I knew what kind of guy I was looking for and what I brought to the table. You still have a lot of growing up to do, with all due respect.
I would like to think that you have some backbone, your post is filled with words that make you sound so downtrodden. You had to move or your relationship would have ended. He would have ended it? Look, lots of people have to move for their jobs. They live, they adapt, they cope, some even thrive. If his world view is so narrow and small that he can only envision living in this town, then you two are fundamentally incompatible. Unless he earns enough to provide for you the things you are sacrificing to be with him, he has no right to demand that you give all those things up. The other words that worry me: "muster up the courage", "terribly afraid", "he has always had the upper hand". Girlfriend, you gotta grow a pair. It may not save the relationship but it will give you strength and dignity for future relationships.
If you are only 21, then you've basically only ever dated this guy. Honey, there are good men in your own town.
So take this one step at a time. You are going through all the way to the end, which I usually encourage, but in this case it is paralyzing you. I think you should just make one decision at a time, when you know what you want and need and then analyze the situation that develops and make a decision based on the new information. You already know in your heart of hearts what's going to happen. But you can't be sure, so just make that decision to move home. Tell your man.
If you want the coward's way out, you could just say you're going home for a visit, take your most important stuff (papers, documents) and mail them. Take your valuables and as many of your clothes as you can and just go home for a 'visit'. Then don't come back and have those ensuing conversations with him on the phone.
I think you would benefit from some counseling but I don't know if you have the coverage for it. I worry for you that you have put all your faith and dreams and love into a man who cannot reciprocate. I don't like your defeated tone, and it seems you've lost your spirit and fight. You can do this, it's going to be hard, other people have managed, you can too. Draw strength from your family and friends and you'll manage, okay?
Be honest, be strong, be true to yourself.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's lengthy, but please please I would very much appreciate your responses! :)
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