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female
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anonymous
writes: I posted about a week ago about my situation with my boyfriend. He said he wanted 5 days of open relationship to decide if he wants to be with me or not. In that time i decided to stay out of his way and wait for him to contact me, but he never did. For the last week i have been completely unsure of where our relationship stands. I went to a field party in the early hours of yesterday and by pure coinsidence he was there. He was in no fit state for a serious conversation as he was on acid, pills and coke (one of the things that caused tension in our relationship a week ago). He doesn't ever take any drugs other than smoking weed when he's around me normally.He straight away came and hugged me and asked me how i'd been, pressing his face against mine affectionately. He admitted that he hadn't slept in four days, had just been fooling around with his mates taking drugs (possibly his way of dealing with the pressure of our situation?). For about half an hour he stayed with me, abandoning his mates to sit with me. He kept kissing me and holding me and tickling me. Then a local woman tried to break up the party by threatening to call the police, and my group of friends left immidiately. I tried to stay with him, as he said 'i'll keep you safe' and hugged me tightly. However, my friend came along and dragged me away with my friends. I haven't seen or heard from the guy since. Normally if we bump into eachother when we're not going out he'll ring me the next day saying he couldn't stop thinking about me. I am now even more unsure of where our relationship stands, as he obviously sees me as more than a friend but isn't talking to me. I just need advice on whether i should still be keeping out of his way, waiting for him to contact me or whether this changes the situation and makes it ok for me to try and talk to him, bearing in mind that he wasn't sure he wanted our relationship because he felt that i needed him too much. I don't want to appear needy because that will put him off a relationship but i'm not sure if anything will happen if i don't make the first move.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): This is a classic case of where a 'young love' has lost all its boundaries and you are being stepped on and manipualted. In this case, you are the one doing all the giving and losing out the most. You can do much better so I recommend you do not wait for this guy-he's trouble so face the loss and move on, girl. I'll tell you why. The reality is: he uses drugs,(big huge, blinking, neon red flag!) Added to that, he's complicated, he's non-commital and if he really was enamored with you, he would never, ever have asked you for 5 days of an 'open' relationship. He sounds like he has a lot of emotional problems. When you and he were at this party and he was 'coming on' hard..realise one thing-he was stoned. Do you really want someone who might be on drugs and can't remember one day to the next? WHat kind of future is that? A man who doesn’t want to even talk to you now but picks you up and drops you, when "he" feels like it? (sigh) You might consider taking better care of yourself , stop being needy, be a strong woman and learn from this relationship better ways of providing the best, healthiest commitment you really want and ask yourself, why you tolerate anyone treating you this way. It all comes down to self-love and knowing that you do deserve so much better! And in the future, do not open your emotional self to a man who does drugs and has no emotional attachment to you. Hold out for the best.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (29 June 2006):
 The key to all this is not to pretend anything, and just be yourself - it is exhausting trying to play mind games and second guess what someone else wants you to be. Basically if he wanted time alone then it just means the relationship wasn't working for him at some level - although his drug habit maybe leisurely at this point you can never be sure how 'leisurely' it is as drug addicts are great liars and they also because selfish and pre-occupied. You have to take part responsibility for what has happened too though. If you have allowed him to go off and have an 'open relationship' for 5 days or however long, and you are still hoping he will come back to you then it becomes a question of self respect. Don't allow men to treat you badly because there are lots of other guys out there who will be nicer to you.
This is a guy who would rather get stoned and sleep with other girls than be exclusive to you...all I hear is 'he said this' and 'he thought that', but what about your feelings and needs? Having needs doesn't make you 'needy' unless you are dating someone a bit too self obsessed with the drugs to give much thought to other people.
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