A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am wondering if 'arty' people are difficult to live with in general? Is it hard to live with someone who likes to shut themselves away for a couple of days at a time while they fulfil this need to create?I'm asking this question because my bf of nearly a year is a musician who creates music, he does have music released from time to time and this drives him to make more music. There are times when he spends time with me and we do other things which we both enjoy together. i've never complained about it but because its been a problem in alot of his past relationships he automatically defends his right to cut himself off from others to concentrate on his music. He's totally honest about his interest taking over his life at times but when i want to talk about other aspects of our relationship, somehow it's music he thinks i have a problem with and he starts defending it when its something else i'm trying to talk to him about!Does anyone else have any experiences of living with an arty person who needs to shut themselves off to create? and do relationships work with someone who can be like that? Its like you have to accept that is the way he is and if you don't like it.. it's not going to work! Any thoughts would be interesting, thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): I'm a professional musician. I work with people like your bf. They make our industry work. In fact one of my close friends sounds just like your bf. Is your bf a professional musician? If so there is not much you can do only suck it up. It's his job/income. If he needs to create then give him space. He will thank you for it especially when he already knows how you feel about his 'disappearing'. Try to occupy your own time with something constructive, or go and have fun. I would not take it personally. He is not doing it to hurt you. Why would he want to hurt you without reason? Try not to stress too much about it and hassle him too much about it. Try to bear in mind it's his sense of being, sense of expression, sense of fulfillment/acomplishment. It's a heightened sense who he is. Not to mention a living. Professional music recording/production is also extremely tedious work. Countless hours of recording, listening, mixing etc. It can leave a person almost burnt out at times. I have worked in recording studios since I was in my teens, and I know how your bf works and exactly how you are feeling. If it's just a hobby that your bf is obsessive about, then chances are he will adopt a more lucrative enterprise in time.Some musicians are weird about this kind of 'intrusion' on their work. Personally I never understood this, there is more to life than music/job. If I may say so I think it is quite an immature attitude of your bf. My thinking is he will probably grow out of it as he gets older. I mean, he too will discover that there is more to life than music. Like family, friends, relationship/companionship and the positive value these will have on his music if he can tap into them. Maybe this is an approach you could adopt when you discuss your relationship. Yes relationships do work successfully with 'arty' people. An artistic person is naturally creative and they tend to feel liberated through their art. If creativity/liberation is stifled then resentment will set in and the relationship will not work. The arty person needs respect and support from their partner by giving them space to create. Example: You say to your bf 'I can't handle this we are over if you keep this up. He will see it as a threat. From his point of view he could think 'I don't like your job and sometimes it gets in the way of us' or something like that. Which is essentially the same senario. It's all about balance and harmony with the right person. In any successful relationship there has to be love, respect, honesty, trust and last but not least..communication. You will need to choose a moment when he has some downtime and talk to him about how you feel. Invite him to dinner and treat him for all his hard work. This will make him feel important and most of all loved and appreciated. This is totally against the grain for you right now and how you are feeling, but do give it a try. Let him drink wine and when the time is right tell him how you are feeling. Explain to him without trying to nag, that you don't want to change him but that you love him how he is. Tell him you respect and love what he does but how you would like to spend some more time with him. Try to arrange times that suit you both to do your thing together. He needs to respect how you feel about this also and be willing to compromise for you. If he is not willing to compromise then it spells bad news. If you both truly love each other and have all the positive attributes in your relationship, then it will work. My marriage didn't work for various reasons but one reason was my time spent touring and when I wasn't touring I was recording. This was one of many excuses why my wife left me but the truth is we were doomed from the start. My ex wife knew what I was before before she married me. She tried to change me including my career (which was really happening). She just couldn't handle my my 'unconventional' working life. I wasn't perpared to ditch a successful career (which I was working on from my early teens) and start at the bottom somewhere else for someone who didn't respect what I am. Maybe I'm selfish but without respect, any relationship is doomed. So for her own reasons she left me. I am now in a successful relationship of 5 years with a 'conventional' woman. She is a teacher. We both have children from previous marriages and we have a child of our own. We work because we understand and communicate with each other. Every year from January to April she is totally overworked. She also suffers from Seasonal Adjustment Disorder. So, during these months she is sometimes distant, busy, tired, and generally totally under the weather and stressed out. During these months I am not so busy with work and I am at home a lot. Sometimes I need to give my partner space to work and concentrate and give her some 'me' time. So, I like you have to suck this up and go and do something constructive or go and do something with the kids or go have fun with my friends. I do this because I respect what she is, who she is, her need to unwind and need for some 'me time' etc. I do it because I love her, honour her, trust her and communicate with her about how we both feel. And it works! It makes our relationship strong. During the summer months when my partner is less busy, I am very busy! She understands this and although she misses me when I'm not at home, she does not hassle me about it because she respects me for what I am and respects me for the space I give her when she needs it. We sometimes need to arrange when to do stuff together as a family with the kids, and also when we can socialise and vacation together as a couple. Then there are other times we spend a lot of time together because we try not to let our work consume who we are. We both are very lucky to be able to do this and very lucky to be very understanding of each others needs and wants. All relationships need work from both partners. My advice is to try to accept what he is and let him work unless it is a real and genuine threat to your relationship. Also, ask yourself, if there was something about you he didn't like so much, would he try to change that something about you that is close to your heart? If the answer is yes and he is not willing to compromise with you then I would move on. There is no respect for the other. If you both truly want to make it work then you both will find a way. I hope this helps and good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Hi Not all artists work in the same manner. I think you could actually inspire him to create,and he may well inspire your creative side. I am a visual artist , dance theatre performing artist and my life style involves lots of creativity. I used to shut off sometimes to create work before i met my partner but discovered that we can create more by been totally emersed in everyday life and how much more interesting it gets when able to bounce ideas off other people. Everyone is different but i can tell you this, you can help him considerably by maybe trying to get involved and listen to his creations, even suggest having a go at song writing with him. He should consider and respect your interests aswell. Creativity is not always about selfish seclusion and tortured souls....what good are the arts with out it's audience. Spunky monkey
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 If he gets defensive about his music time when you bring up other issues, I'm willing to bet that in previous relationships, women would criticize other things about him as a sneaky way to attack his music time (for instance, get him to promise to improve, then demand he spend less time on music now that he's made a promise). It will take a while before he'll believe that you really mean what you're saying, and you'll just have to patient about that.
I dated a painter a while back - met through her roommate. She'd work on something for days, sustained by caffeine and techno. I'd drop by to check on her, and she'd have taken over half the kitchen for her hobby, so I'd just watch movies with her roommate. She had to put up with the same things from me when I was programming, so it worked out alright.
You just have to know what you're getting into, and appreciate the passion for their hobby/job.If you can't handle it, there's no shame in that, so long as you're honest about it. If you can, great! I could be wrong here, but I think most women would be happiest with a guy who is absolutely passionate about something, who is driven by his mission. Music being #1 in his life doesn't mean you're not important, it just means he has passion and a goal.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (29 May 2011):
 In short, I think so long as your comfortable with the situation, it could work out. Musicians, computer programmers, artists, writers, etc, all need their quiet time to create. If you are a clingy type that needs constant affirmation, I think you'll wind up driving each other crazy.Ultimately, the dating process will help you determine if you are right with one another. If after a year he's made time for his creative energies as well as attended to you, there's a good chance that he's struck a healthy balance. However, be prepared for the time when he really hits a groove and needs to concentrate for days on end. It sort of sounds like his music is #1 in his life -- are you okay with that? Creative people can be like that and you'll have to have the strength in knowing that your relationship is rock solid and when he comes "back" that he'll be wanting to spend time with you.Only you can answer the question you submitted and only time will tell what balance he will strike with his creative passions and you.Good luck.
...............................
|
