A
male
age
41-50,
*us5783
writes:Here's my situation. I am getting a divorce, me and my wife were married in Alaska and lived there for 1 1/2 years, we now live in Ohio and have lived here for 1 1/2 years. We have a 3 year old daughter. I am the only one who works and it has been that way since we got married. The last 3 jobs my wife had she was fired from. I have never been fired from a job. I'm a veteran of the armed forces, and am accepting employment with my cities Fire Department. How should I go about getting divorced with the least amount of pain and what can I expect for custody?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (25 November 2008):
 I appreciate your feelings! I am sorry that things are at this point for you and your fmaily. I will tell you that a child having to move back and forth between parents isn't always a good situation either. I have been there too.
The distance from where you are to Alaska is a long way for a child to be constantly commuting. It can cause them to feel disconnected and confused. Being shuffled from Pillar to Post as they say is hard for any child despite the best well planned efforts. It can often lead to more stress for the parents also.
I am not sure about the laws which govern your situation but if you choose to allow her to go with her Mom to Alaska then she may have a different set of laws there that govern if the child has to be returned back to you or not. The laws are not the same in all states. Like I am sure everyone is recommending it's best to try and work it out if you can and if you can seek the advice of a law professioinal. EX...my daughter moved to NY, we reside in Ga. The child was left to visit with her Father until she returned in a few short weeks to pick her up. When my daugher came back and picked her up her child she left and went back to NY with my granddaughter, who I actually had custody of briefly when she was not able to for extinuating circumstances. The Father and his NON CUSTODIAL Family had filed for Custody and my daughter was charged by the courts for Kidnapping.
Now I hope you can see why I am trying so hard to help here. Your situation really hits home with me. My granddaughter is precious and has grown up with alot of love from everyone but she is confused and feels guilty for things that she has no control over. She thinks that sometimes people are really trying to take her away from one or the other of her parents or grandparents. This truely isn't the case. In her mind she can't understand alot of things even when she is learning the whole truth. I guess what I am trying to say is my now 13 1/2 year old granddaughter is battling with trying to be the adult here and getting more confused and stressed over it all. If all of the adults in her life had done things differently perhaps she would have been spared. She is constantly being moved in and out from her Father to her Nana, back to her Father, moved in with her Mom and decided she couldnt' stay because it is just to hard to readjust.
We are the Adults and what we do affects our chlidren. Please to everything you can to make this the best world for your child. Please remember that you might fight for custody and loose. Please remember that even if you win the child may not be better off for it. Sometimes things change...sometimes people change. I pray that things for you and your wife can, before you have to let your child suffer. My best wishes are intended here and I know that you have to take a stand. Stand for something, but make sure that it's truely what's best for the child most of all.
God bless
Blue_Angel
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A
male
reader, gus5783 +, writes (25 November 2008):
gus5783 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i appreciate everyones advice it is really helping me think about this. one of the aspects i am looking at is the fact that my daughter is still young she probably wont remember most of the fighting which is good. i just hope that me and my wife can settle this that way my daughter doesnt see the aggression when she gets older. we will have to drop her off to each other atleast until she is older, so hopefull she doesnt see the aggression then. i do trust my wife to raise her some of the time. if she sees her for short periods of time like say few months here and there it is fine, but full custody will never fly.
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (25 November 2008):
 I am in Ohio and have been through a divorce. If the two of you can be amenable then go through mediation. During the mediation process you will sit with a trained mediator who knows the ins and outs of divorce who will help you and your wife formulate the plan for what will happen to all of your assets and how custody and support will be handled. This will take several hours and several meetings. Then you take your written plan to a lawyer who presents it to the judge for you. The judge will rule it fair and equitable and a marriage disolussion will be granted. This whole process will be MUCH quicker, cheeper and emotionally better for all involved, especially for your child. The key however is that both parties must be reasonable, and willing to work together to negotiate a fair settlement.
This is what I wanted to do. But my ex was not reasonable or willing to work with me. I offered 50/50. He demanded that he get everything, the house and all its contents, the business, my premarital money, and sole custody of the children. He decided that the only fair and equitable thing was for me to walk away with nothing but the shirt on my back because I was the one that wanted the divorce. Therefore mediation would not work and we were forced to go through the whole divoce process. He wouldnt even settle the divorce and the great majority of people do. We had to actually go to TRIAL! In the end, due to the fact that he was obviously delusional and mentally unbalanced, I got it all. I got the house and all its contents, I got my premarital asssets and sole custody of the children. He got his business which you couldnt have gotten me to take if you tried! But it cost us a fortune in legal bills to get there, plus a mountain of heartache on the way.
So I guess what I am saying is do mediation and dissolutin if at all possible because it really will be the best thing, but to be prepared for it to fail if she is not going to be amenable. There is only so much you can do if reason is only one one side of the negotiating table.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (25 November 2008):
I understand hon and I don't mean to sound critical. I just want to give you some insight. I am not a perfect person so I won't judge you. I understand wanting what is best for your daughter. I wasn't implying there was somone else dear. I was asking questions so that you could see there are many things that can make one seek divorce.
Your wife may be unhappy but you are unhappy and that can make it worse. She can feel this. She is probably lonely too without her family, her friends and her natural surroundings. These are the things she is most used to. It's a lot of adjusting. My ex husband was military also. I lived in La. for 5 1/2 years without any family except him and our two children. Love kept me there. Love for my husband and my family in general. It was hard. I finally worked and that was even harder because of my health conditions that we weren't really even aware of at the time.
So much time went on when we didn't understand and we didn't know how to make things right.......so time passed and we begain to drift. I never stopped loving him and in my heart he will always be My Friend but the divorce was devastating. I wasn't the only one hurt. I got custody of the two children who were a bit older than yours. I had no job, no money per say, but I had love. It carried me thru. The only regret was that he wasn't there and he was still loved.
What I am hoping to convey to you hon is that if you love her. Don't let it be lost. Sometimes things in life just isn't fair and burdens are often too hard for you to carry alone. Sometimes even love isn't enough but you can make choices to accomodate the feelings you have. Making different choices can often change the outcome. By the way I have a daughter 28 and a son who is 29. Their lives are a struggle too. Alot of what happenend to them thru divorce has carried over into their adulthood. I give them all of the love and support that I can. They are rasing children now of their own, and they are falling back on the things I have tried teaching them. Don't do like I did ..Do Like I say*LOL* Because I want the course of their lives to be changed by the things we can all do. That's Love!
Whatever choice you make I hope that your daughter will always be a happy child, a happy adult and ultimately a Happy Person! I hope that things are they way you want them to be. I do know that most people don't realize it but when things get bad in a marriage, good communication sometimes goes a long way. Sometimes when we let someone go we miss them the most. Sometimes it's too late to ever get back what we had, but we can certainly try to keep what we can of the good memories. Peace be with you and may God light the path so you can clearly see in what direction you should travel.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Judging by your recent follow up, you seem like you do not want this child to be in your wife's care and upbringing then? You do realize that the only way that will occur, is if you find some way of 1) proving her an unfit Mother or 2) if she relents and just hands the child over to you, for you to raise.
If she's not an unfit Mom and she has these habits, this worldview/ personality you don't like, you will have to accept that she will be raising this child with you, for the next 2 decades. And yes, you are the father, you have rights to parent your daughter. You and your wife may have to agree to a shared custody arrangement then. How you proceed with this marriage dissolution, will greatly depend on your wife's ability to consent and go along with what you want. Be prepared..it may not happen that way.
I strongly recommend you seek legal counsel or get to a marriage counselor with her and learn about how you both can reach an agreement so the two of you can love/respect each other again and do the best thing for this daughter....keep this family intact and strong. It's your choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Okay, is she or is she not ready to end this? You have to get her to be in a consenting frame of mind, especially if you want a less painful end to this marriage. I am not implying she will be embittered, over this (she may even be relieved) but sometimes this type of thing does cause so much hurt in some people. You know her best, how do you think she'll react? If you have a child together, I will say it truely is in the betterment of the child's emotuional well-being that you both end this, in the most constructive, adult, mature manner. Always always priorize the best interests of the child. I get the feeling you want to accomplish that. So you may have to have that talk with her.
As far as layers getting involved, I know in Canada here, many folks can get 'free' consultation from lawyers either on the phone or in person when wanting to make further inquiries about divorce laws. Could you do this in Ohio..you are not in any way obligated to hiring any lawyer you have a consultation with. ASlso, not sure if you have done this, but check out below link:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/statedivorcelaws/a/Ohio_laws.htm
It explains a little bit more about divorce laws in your neck of the woods. But if you do find out your wife's just not there yet, why not opt for a temporary separation. This may enable her to get used to the idea. If you just go ahead with it all (and really, that is your choice) she may or may not be agreeable with you on this marriage dissolution.. Thus she will hire her lawyer and the battle begins. And let's say it can get nasty.
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male
reader, gus5783 +, writes (25 November 2008):
gus5783 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour post has helped alot and i am sorry.. i am not leaving my wife for another woman, i am leaving so that my daughter can grow up to be a better one. i am scared of how my daughter will end up if she spends her whole life with my wife, i see alot of my mother in law in my wife which scares me more and more, and i am scared for my daughter. we did have vows, buti think our marriage was a littel quick. we only dated for 6 months. whichj iguess is another peice of my puzzle.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (25 November 2008):
Sory for such a long post before. I just had the thought about how you wanted to know how to get a divorce. Something in my heart wanted to tell you How to save a marriage.
What you termed below is called Irreconcilable and Uncontested Divorce I beleive.
Blue_Angel
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (25 November 2008):
Sory for such a long post before. I just had the thought about how you wanted to know how to get a divorce. Something in my heart wanted to tell you How to save a marriage.
What you termed below is called Irreconcilable Divorce, I beleive.
Blue_Angel
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): My cousin got a divorce over the internet for $100! Her and hubby agreed on everything, because they didn't want a messy divorce. It's a little sad it was so easy.I've heard of 'mediators' that for a fee, will talk between you and your wife to work out legalities and avoid going to court with a lawyer. (information at local social services)I"m thinking your wife is having a hard time away from her family, and can't focus at work. Here's a thought: maybe your wife excells in daycare skills, and what better way to care for your daughter? Mothering is a Big Job when done to the best of their ability.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (25 November 2008):
Perhaps this doesn't sound like the answer you expected but I have seen it happen over and over again. Please read on. I have a few questions for you. :-) Do you love her? Is there someone else who has taken your attention.(not necessarily an affair) Do you want the divorce simply because she won't work?
Your post stirred my heart here. Please allow me to tell you why.
I would like to say this first.You did take vows...for better or worse, for richer or poorer. You now have a child together who will be affected most of all. Since I don't know why she keeps getting fired I will suggest that you try to figure this all out first. Now for the custody thing, in most cases in the US the Mother of the child will automatically get custody of the child unless she is prven unfit. This can happen even if she is UNEMPLOYED as long as she can provide a safe, stable and loving home for the child.
There are things that can cause women to have emotional problems during pregnancy,
after the birth and during the years after. Not to make light of this situation but my first thought was upon this. Women go thru all kinds of hormonal problems that will cause mood swings, loss of sleep, weight gain or loss, and even depression. I would suggest ruling this out first by having her evaluated. You can do this by consulting with a Mental Health Specialist or your General MD if you choose. If she has problems it still doesn't mean that she will not get CUSTODY,
Now if perhaps she is just a mean and or lazy woman who just doesn't want to help you, then you may need to take a different direction. I will say that you are mighty young to just throw in the towel simply because it's hard to make a go financially without trying to find alternative ways to make the ends meet and keeping the stress and emotions in check. Throwing away a marriage for something to which there might be a solution to saving it instead. Your child is going to be affected. No one knows for sure to what extent, no matter how you go dissolve it.
If you can still find love in your hearts keep it there for the sake of your daughter. Help her to have a happy home.
If you can't see your way thru,I can really understand how things could be. I have lived it for the most part. I hope that my answer helps you to get some perspective. Although you may not think my answer is on your problem, please read on and you will understand.
I don't suggest divorce at all until you have talked things out. You can't play the blame game as it will get you no where. Sit her down and be honest about how you feel. Since you have a child, then there is your first responsibility and major concern. YOU aren't AS important, nor are YOUR feelings at this point! Put the child's best interest at heart. Marriage takes real committment and it is one that has to be worked at daily. I am sure you are a good guy and you have concern for your wife because you are seeking help to make this an easy, less painful divorce. What you need to realize it that most of the time it just isn't reality. If your wife has something emotional going on then you could cause her more trouble and in turn your child.
I know it is hard to cope when you feel like you are the only one who is doing and things just aren't working in the realationship. Maybe you feel like she doesn't love you anymore or that she won't work because she EXPECTS YOU to do it ALL. Please think about it all and try to understand that you are still in a phase. Those first few years of marriage you are not only bonding but you are learning to make the adjustments from all the things in your life. EX. Moving, Job changes, birth of a child, less quality time together ALONE,Bills piling up, Working too much and getting further behind. Any or all of these things can cause one to feel unloved, disconnected, angry, hurt and depressed. Now consider your situation. Do any of these things apply or perhaps something similiar?
You can ease financial stress by cutting back on spending. Make a budjet and use it. Spend some special time alone, even if you do it when the baby is asleep. Focus on your family and not on yourself. Work but remember that you aren't only doing this for you but for your FAMILY as well. Pray for God to strenghten your lives together. Ask him to help your wife for whatever troubles her. Help in finding a job she can handle.* Most people don't just get fired for no reason! Find out what the real reason is. Try not to be so hard on her or yourse.
When a house is founded on Love let it not be divided.
If you can stil find love in your hearts then keep it there for your daughter so she can have a happy home.
Work on your problems and don't run from them. Sometimes it's easier to leave than stay because it can lessen some of the stress and give you new options. It can also make the burder harder. My husband left me for another woman, abandoning me and my two children.Their lives were devasted. He didn't think I loved him,I( Did) I was not able to hold at job at the time. I had just had major surgery the year before (female) I find out just after the divorce I was having thyroid and other hormonal problems(female). I discovered that I was also BI_POLAR! Then a few years later the Ultimate discovery..my weight gain, mood swings, depression, and lots of other stuff...was attributed to the fact that I had a slowy growing Cancerous Tumor in my Tyroid.
To close this post. If you must divorce. It's up to you to make things as smooth and painless as possible. Do it with love. Always take care of your child and be the Father you should be, My ex husband never was. I am disabled now, but I have owned a Business even during my disability. Things can happen to alter our lives.(They surely did mine)
Please before you give up, give it your all and DON'T QUIT!
At least until you know for sure that you really want this for you and your child. What you do now will forever effect your daughter's future. :-)
If you move on with this plan to divorce, talk to your wife and try to make it as easy on everyone as possible. Try to be her friend and help her to understand. Seek professional counsel for you both it will help ease the transistion. It is required in alot of US States now. Put your child fisrt in every move you make so she wil still feel stable emotionally and well loved by you both.
Thanks for reading and my best to you and your family.
I hope I have helped.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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A
male
reader, gus5783 +, writes (25 November 2008):
gus5783 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah basically. no child support since we would both basically be supporting her. whats is a paralawyer
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 November 2008):
 Paralegal not paralawyer
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 November 2008):
Well just tell her what you want, you may have to negoiate back and forth. I think if you involved a lawyer or paralawyer it would seem more binding, but that's just me. How do you figure on child support, you pay during the summers and she pays during the winters?
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male
reader, gus5783 +, writes (25 November 2008):
gus5783 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit does hurt very much and believe if not for my daughter it probably never would gotten this far. we never woudl have gotten married. i know a lawyer wuold be the smart way to go i just dont know if i can afford one. i mean do you have to pay for legal advice or do you just pay when you go to court.
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male
reader, gus5783 +, writes (25 November 2008):
gus5783 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit wouldnt be an anullment. its just like an a nnullment. both partners agree that the marriage is not working and they have to agree on how to split the marital assests.in this case where the money is mine and the furniture is hers all we would have to reach an agreement on is the custody rights. seeing as how she would go back to alaska i was thinking my daughter stay with me till my wife gets herself set up and gets a job, then she stays with me for the winters and my wife for the summers. i just need to know how to go about tellign her that is defintly what i wantot do.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 November 2008):
I thought there was a time frame involved, are you sure that after 3 years you can just annul and not have to go through the courts?
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male
reader, gus5783 +, writes (25 November 2008):
gus5783 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell not officially, she has stated many times that she doesnt see us making it. she has also stated that she is miserable. i have not talked to a lawyer i would like to avoid that. i have looked into something called a dissolution of marriage, it is basically an anullment. both partners agree to divorce and come across an agreement to split the assets and marital belongings and if a child is involved they have to agree upon custody terms. it only works if both partners are consenting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): Are you just thinking about getting a divorce or have you started the wheels in motion? Have you sought legal counseling, yourself. Divorce can a painful process, especially so, if one of the two people involved doesn't see it coming. Does your wife know you are doing this? Have you and she discussed it? If so, what was her reaction? Is she agreeable or not? Then again, divorce can be quick and easy, if both people agree it's over. What is your status? Write back and give us more information.
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