A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello people I broke up with my ex seven months ago, it wasn't mutual (I left him) and the ex was none too happy. I am now in a new relationship and my boyfriend gets very upset and angry whenever I happen to talk (on the phone) to my ex. Every time i talk to my ex I tell him everything, whether it's a business talk or something else. Is is true my ex has tried to hook up with me again but I dont want to be back with him, and have made it clear to my boyfriend.On one hand i totally understand why he gets jealous and i tried to cut off all communication with my ex. On the other hand I feel guilty for breaking up with my ex and that is the reason why i am not too rude when he calls me, we were together for a long time. I am confused, sometimes I think this new guy doesn't trust me enough, sometimes i wish he understood my pain! I love him and want to be with him but I dont like to be mistrusted. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all people, you have been very helpful. Thank you very much llifton, your comment has been bery insightful. Thank you Cerberus, I just realized I misspelled your nick. Sorry. I just need to add that I didn't mean to be shady, my weakness lies somewhere else, it lies in the fact that I have a hard time being assertive with my ex due to his longstanding habit of making me feel guilty. it seems like I need to man up!
Thank you again.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (25 April 2011):
 i can completely see both sides. i see where you're coming from by trying to appease your ex for the simple sake of not having to deal with the BS that would come along with not appeasing him. and i totally understand this isn't malicious at all on your part and that you know you're not doing anything shady. but from your boyfriends perspective, can you see how it could be very hurtful to have the woman you love continue to talk to their ex despite your feelings? especially since you haven't told your ex about him. i'm sure that's hard to swallow for your boyfriend and from his understanding, it's more than likely very insulting. you not telling your ex about him makes the situation look even more shady, honestly. where you went wrong was that you didn't really think about how an outsider (your boyfriend) would interpret your actions. sure, YOU may know he has nothing to worry about, but HE can't be inside your head and heart to know that for sure. but it takes a big person to admit they handled something unfairly. that you acknowledged you have says a lot about your character. good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi people well Cerebrus, my ex doesn't know I have a boyfriend. I didn't tell him because I didn't want to incurr in his narcissistic rage, and I didn't want him to poison my new relationship. I also didn't tell him because I am not close to my ex,I don't tell him about my life,have no desire to, it is him calling me expecting us to be friends and when he does he makes me feel guilty and sorry. The guilt and the sorrow are the only feelings which bind me to him. I will have to stop him although he , the ex, might border stalking. I now understand better why my boyfriend got upset. I didnt see it! So thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): Sorry OP I wasn't trying to be hurtful, not at all. I apologize if that was the case. Games are being played was my point OP. It just happens to be your ex that's playing them but you're letting him and whether you like to hear it or not you are in fact playing along by not stopping him. All I was trying to make you see is that your boyfriend's reaction is a perfectly normal defensive reaction to the circumstances. He's not being controlling he just doesn't want to lose you and he will if this situation doesn't change.Your ex is trying to continue to control you and he's succeeding, he's keeping you tied to him and is actively trying to ruin your relationship. He's emotionally blackmailing you by trying to make you feel guilty about it and you still maintain such close relations with him. OP that makes very little sense to me. OP your boyfriend is not trying to be controlling he's trying to save your relationship which is at serious threat from your ex.OP please don't be insulted when I say this but if you don't get rid of your ex, (completely, distance won't work with a guy like him) then you will lose your boyfriend, because the next reaction after getting defensive, the next reaction after trying to save the relationship is to give up and move on. There's only so long he will continue to fight for you OP, we all have our limits and if he sees no action from you to get rid of this problem (not trying, doing) then he will give up, make no mistake.You see what makes no sense to me is why you insist on keeping this ex around, I fail to see the benefit to you. I fail to see what your ex brings to your life. All I see is the extremely negative effects it is having on your current relationship which is starting to fall apart with him still around. I stick by my original statement. You have to choose one of these guys OP because you can't have them both. With your ex around you will lose your boyfriend and the same will happen with most other guys you get with while he is still in the picture because any guy that actually cares about you will not be able to put up with a situation like this for very long. Your current boyfriend must really care about you too OP because I would have been gone far sooner than this. I've been in his shoes OP a few times, most of those times were rebounds and they played out the exact same as your situation is, that's why I proposed the notion that this is one of those. After my experiences with situations like these I give girls that are still very close to their exes a wide berth I won't go near a girl like that because it's just a constant battle and it takes the fun out of being with the girl, you see my reaction was the exact same as your boyfriends, territorial and defensive, what's worse is that these girls then got the same doubts that you're currently having and they also have their ex trying to convince them that I'm not good for them in the background, so their ex continues to try and build doubts in their minds and they see my reaction as proof that their ex is right. I just couldn't win, because if I pretended everything was okay, then their ex is telling them that I don't care because otherwise I wouldn't accept the situation, if I reacted defensively then their ex would start telling them that I didn't trust them and was trying to be controlling.You see when a guy is trying to do anything to win a girl back and when that girl stays really close to them they will poison that girls mind to their boyfriend. It seems like your ex is exactly this kind of guy too OP. I bet he's even telling things to make you doubt your boyfriend, I bet he's constantly hinting or insinuating that you deserve better than him.End this game and be happy with your new guy, your ex has nothing to offer you but pain and heartache. Do it now OP before this goes too far and passes the point of no return.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you people
I just need to point out that my ex is the controlling type, and I got a bit paranoid about controll issues when my sweet boyfriend expressed his anger towards me. The last thing I wanted to do was to get my boyfriend upset, but in the same time I need to make sure his reaction wasn't excessive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonimous, your comment was very insightful!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst and foremost, I dont think I am playing these guys, I dont don't understand why you say so, Cerebrus. Your comment was just hurtful. I have no intention of going back to my ex, my new boyfriend is ten times better!!!! The break up with the ex was long (months)and painful as he didnt accept the fact that I wanted to leave him, I finally had to leave the city to get rid of him. The ex is a liar and he is weird, he tries to contact me contantly even after I have said i dont want to see him or talk to him, and i try to avoid contact as much as possible, whenever we talk he tries to make me feel guilty about the break up. My intentions with my ex have always been good since i have tried to remain friends, and that's why I haven't been rude to him, not because i am ready to run back to him. I was nice to the ex just out of respect for what we had.As for the new guy, it is true the relationship is new, but i have known him for a while and I love him. I just wasn't sure why my boyfriend got so mad, I mean he was furious and I have been honest to him about the communication with my ex. And the boyfriend also knew I broke up just 7 months ago, anyway I dont think I am rushing anything, just didnt know how to feel about his anger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): After re-reading your question a few times OP I've come up with a third possibility and one I think may be the right one.
This looks to me like a classic rebound. You only broke up with your "together for a long time" ex 7 months ago. It looks to me like you're not over him at all, I mean you're already in another relationship so that means you got into this pretty soon after you broke up with your ex and it looks to be too soon because you're not willing to let go of him at all. I think the idea of not having him in your life horrifies you and perhaps you're just waiting too for something to happen so you can be with him again. Now you may not consciously feel this way, but something is keeping you stuck to him. Something inside you won't let him go and your emotional bond is as close as it was when you were together. It looks to me like emotionally you are still a couple because you are on a level with him that is beyond friendship, he has very open feelings for you, he's still trying his hardest to be with you again and you have done nothing to stop that, in fact you're encouraging it. You may say you're not, you may say nothing will happen but yet what you're doing paints a completely different picture. I think this guilt you feel is also a feeling of regret that you dumped him.
I think your boyfriends jealousy is definitely justified, I think he senses exactly what's going on and knows he will eventually lose out your ex. You're simply far too attached to this guy still, you still rely on him completely emotionally and in time, when the moment is right something will probably happen between you and I have a feeling that you may realize that's what you wanted the whole time and that's why you kept him like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): How can he trust you when you keep such close intimate contact with an ex who is still pursuing you? You're still very much emotionally involved with your ex bordering on emotional cheating, yet you expect your boyfriend to be okay with that? I'm sorry OP but even the most secure of guys would have trouble with that because you can't say no to your ex and what's to say you don't still have feelings for him when you're staying so close to him. You say nothing will happen but stuff is already happening, so your actions don't match your words. You talk about trust yet if the situation was reversed and your boyfriend was really close to a girl he not only had history with but she still keep trying it on and you knew in your heart that girl was only waiting and biding her time to get him back, you wouldn't be comfortable with that either no matter what he says.I mean you still keep in contact with a guy who has tried it on, you're keeping the door open for this ex to make moves which he has done and will again in the future. How can you expect your boyfriend to be perfectly okay with that when it only takes one moment of weakness, one drunken moment or even a bad patch in your relationship and he knows you'll be running off to your ex. How can you expect anyone to be okay with the fact that you have such an intimate relationship with another man who is just waiting there arms open for you to go to him? OP your viewpoint make no sense, you say "why can he trust me" then your next sentence is "i tried to cut off all communication with my ex." If you can't let go of this guy then your emotional attachment is to him is too strong for your boyfriends comfort. You can't trust yourself OP, because you can't let your ex go. You say you feel guilty for breaking up with him yet you don't care about stringing him along, which is what you're doing if you really have no intention of getting back with him. You know full well he wants you back, you know full well that he's not going to get over you while you remain so close to him, you know full well your ex is only settling for friendship while he waits for you to come back, he doesn't want friendship at all. So while you feel guilty for breaking up with him, you're actually screwing his life up even more by not letting go, he can't let go, he can't move on from you and you still keep him on the side keeping him in a position of false hope and whether intentionally or not you're playing him and your boyfriend. And you talk about trust? OP you're doing one of two thing here. 1. You're playing games, you like the idea of your ex pursuing you, you get a buzz from it and you don't want to lose that. You like the fact it makes your boyfriend jealous and a bit on edge, you feed off it and it excites you. You like having two guys to bounce off, one who would do anything to get back with you and the other who is constantly struggling to keep you.or 2. You really just don't get what this situation really is. You think because you say that you won't do anything that it's okay for you to keep feeding your exes desire to be with you. You really just don't get that keeping this guy in your life the way that you are is an indication of an emotional attachment to your ex that is just too much for any boyfriend to comfortable with. Perhaps you just don't understand that keeping a guy like that strung along is not only wrong for your ex because you're not allowing him to move on, gives him false hope and is threading very dangerous line between that and emotional cheating. Perhaps you really just don't see that while your ex keeps sniffing around your boyfriend can't relax and be himself, he constantly has to walk on eggshells because any tiny mistake by him could drive you into the arms of your ex and no matter what you say OP that is the situation you're keeping alive by keeping your ex so close.In summary OP whether intentional or not you're playing both of these guys, you can't have it both ways and at the moment you're choosing friendship with your ex over you boyfriend because there is no way in hell you feel okay about the situation if your roles were reversed, there's no way you'd like the idea of your boyfriend becoming that close with a girl that was completely in love with him. Yet you don't seem to get that the situation is far more serious than you think. Two guys are getting screwed over by your inability to make choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): it's not necessarily a matter of him not trusting you. it's a matter of him not trusting your ex. it's never comforting to love someone, yet know someone else wants to have them. it's unsettling and downright angering. trust me, i've had plenty of experiences where people wanted my girlfriend, and even though i knew she would never touch them, just knowing they wanted to touch her really upset me. and i would express to her my discomfort with those friendships, but she ignored my feelings, and told me i didn't have any reason to feel that way because she didn't feel that way for them in return. i dealt with it for a long time and supressed my anger, but i hated it and sometimes resented her for not respecting my feelings. i finally eventually had enough, and had to show her first hand how it felt by putting her in a similar situation, and she flipped out. needless to say, she doesn't do that anymore. but i can totally understand where he's coming from, honestly.whether or not you think he has a right to be bothered by this man, he still feels bothered, regardless. he probably sees you talking to your ex not as a direct threat to your relationship, but as a sign that you don't respect his feelings. i know that's how i always felt. if i were you, unless your boyfriend has a habit of being overly controlling of who you talk to, i would cut ties with your ex. think about it this way. right now you're pleasing your ex over pleasing your boyfriend. shouldn't it be the other way around? i know you're not meaning to upset him. but the truth is that you are. and i know you don't want to do that. i hope this helps and i was in no way trying to take sides, moreso just let you possibly see another perspective you perhaps hadn't thought of?
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