A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear girlfriends, could you give me some useful hints how to tackle the following situation:¨I am 47, a mother of two children, 19 and 22 years. I left my husband four years ago, it turned out he has been unfaithful to me from the very beginning. It was very hard on me and my children, because he had been posted to different countries and we followed him everywhere. Thus I spent the last three years to gain independance, mostly financial, because we had been totally depandant on my husband before. My ex shows very little interest in his children and in the house we still own together. Immediately after the split, he took a job abroad and is still there.My problem is, that my mother, 72, rather sick (had breast cancer 5 years ago), is absolutely fixed on my ex-husband and behaves in a very unsupportive way. For example: 1. She completely ignores my new friend of 3 years, a very nice and helpful person, never invites us together, just me, but whenever my ex comes, she invites him over for dinner. She is even going to visit him.2. I stopped all contact with my former mother-in-law, a very depressed and agressive person, who had used to spill all her troubles on me. My mother took over this contact, she weekly phones with the mother in law and informs her about what happens in my family. When I confront her about this, she lies and says there is no contact.3. Recently, my mother has found herself a "surrogate daughter", a divorced yound women, who admires her and drives her in her car (I had to get a used car and my mother does not consider it good enough). She started to ask my children out together with this "daughter". i find it extremely irritating.I feel very sad about my mothers behaviour, I limited my contact with her, but it somehow does not feel right to break it completely, even though it would be the obvious way. She is old, sick and she is still my mother, after all. I know I would be later sorry for having broken the contact with her completely. I would like to have as normal relationship to her as possible, but I do not know how to behave.Thanks for your help.
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depressed, different countries, divorce, my ex, she lies Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Love your Mother at arm's length. You are correct that she will ALWAYS be your Mother..... BUT it's not the case that you - as her daughter - need to ALWAYS endure her abuse.....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry that you've been through so much, and have no support, or compassion by your family. It's hard enough to know that your life partner was unfaithful to you from beginning, now divorce, and no compassion. I know how you feel, and you are probably feeling overwhelmed....
First of all, I want you to understand that you have the right to feel this way, and what you expect from your mother is only fair. I am telling you this for your own sanity. I just need to make this clear.
Your mother is 72 years old, and nothing or nobody can change her. I guess, she was raised in a different way, and probably don't understand divorce, and probably think that man is like "god". I bet she's so against you because she doesn't approve your divorce, and probably think you should forgive your ex-husband, accept, and just live this way.
The only solution is to have talk with your mom, but the way you describe her, and her behavior, I don't think she will understand you. You have no choice, but hold everything inside, and just accept your mom. Whatever she does, or say, do not get angry, and just let her be. Unfortunately, not much you can do here, like you said, she's your mother after all, old, and ill. My mother passed away 9 years ago, and I live with regret everyday. It's agonizing, and painful. If I could have one wish, I wish I could go back in time...
I sympathize with you, because my family are also very traditional. Very differed than a normal family, so I completely understand your situation, your mother behavior. I hope you find happiness in the future, meet someone that truly deserve you. Also, hope that you have support of your 2 daughthers. Make sure, you take care of yourself, do not get stress, sad, when you feel like it's too much, meet someone you can trust, have a drink, get something to eat, go out, and relax. As much as you are being strong, and holding everything inside, you are human, need to release stress.
Best wishes/ good luck
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