A
female
age
30-35,
*ca9130
writes:I've realized I tend to look a lot at flaws in my boyfriend instead of looking and focusing in the good things. I remember that with my first boyfriend, everything was perfect (this was four years ago). After a very sad and painful breakup, I had another relationship which ended horribly due to the constant need I had for him to be a better person. Now, I'm really happy that my life is awesome and I have this great man next to me, but I have this need once more to make him become a better person. This is horrible! I know it and I don't like this about myself, it makes our relationship wilt and we've been together only five months! My fights in the other relationship began at the same time and I don't want the same fate. How can I NOT be a that nagging girlfriend I've always hated. I feel very in love, but how do I make everything feel perfect like it did with my first bf? Is it because now I'm more mature and I open my eyes to the truth that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship? Does it maybe have to do with the fact that I'm a psychologist? I just finished my career. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 hi,
what a lovely follow up. It was a delight to read. Because you clearly already have some great relationship tools at the ready, due to your own personality and your studies.
I do hope over the next nine weeks, putting everything in to practise, daily, that you start to see some good outcomes for the two of you, as a couple.
Best Wishes
Abella
A
female
reader, cca9130 +, writes (20 August 2012):
cca9130 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all! I really liked the answers I've read, specially Abella. I will take your advice and repeat to myself every night the sentences you gave me and at some moment this nagging will dissapear. Basschick is wrong, my boyfriend is older than me, thus he has a better career than me and has a nice salary, plus he's really smart and actually is one of those things I will repeat to myself every night because we usually talk about very deep stuff, which I like a lot. I loved all the answers though and every single one of them I accept them. I talked to him yesterday and he said that he didn't feel I nagged, but even so, he said he deserved it some times because of his dark humour, but that's how he is. We'll see how it goes! Thanks!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 Perhaps you need to "learn" that you should NEVER take a man as a date/friend/B/F/partner with ANY inking that YOU are going to CHANGE him......
THAT ("changing" someone) is ALWAYS a recipe for relationship disaster.....
ALWAYS.... when finding and spending time with a friend or partner.... reconcile that you'd better like them AS THEY ARE (when you meet them) ..... and that they will only "change" in ways and areas wherein THEY WANT TO CHANGE..
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 At the end of the day, you have to love someone just as they are. You cannot change someone by nagging. I'm sure you realise this and that someone's temperament is mainly determined by genetics which you have no control over. Be thankful for all the good qualities and realise that you too have bad traits that will probably never change either. It's important that as a perfectionist you find someone you can accept and respect with no expectation of them ever changing.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 August 2012):
 I like what Basschick says about choosing men who are "projects". Men aren't fixer-uppers. You can't update them like you can kitchen cabinets or wardrobes.
I also like what Abella said about thinking about the good in people rather than focusing on and judging their flaws.
My advice is to find a guy you can accept, good and bad. No one is perfect, so if you put away your measuring stick and concentrate on changing the only person in the universe you can possibly change...you....you'll find yourself a lot happier and more at peace in your relationships.
It's obvious that you are a perfectionist. That is something that you will contend with every day. It's easy to control an environment, and you can control yourself, but other people are unpredictable, resistant, and uncontrollable. I'm not saying that you are controlling...there's a big distinction. I am saying that your perfectionist tendencies try to make your boyfriends FIT, and their inevitable failure to do so coupled with their anger at the pressure causes you to almost go into a near-obsessive overdrive.
Whenever you feel this coming on, it's important to recognize it, step back, and focus your attention on those good things that attracted you to him. This will be extremely difficult for a perfectionist to do. I wonder if talking to a trusted adult or maybe a professional will help you to cope with this tendency.
To give you hope, I can tell you that you have accomplished what so many women either cannot or will not do: You have recognized that you need to change in this area. That's 75% of the battle right there! There's hope for you! So many other women who do the same thing you do either are oblivious, or even worse, they feel they're in the right and so entrench themselves in their ways, eventually pushing away everyone.
You can do it! I think you can become better, and are on the track to do just that! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 August 2012):
Hi
I think it is about respect and being non-judgemental. Your Boyfriend is not a client asking for advice.
He is a person with good and bad points just like all of us. All of us could improve something about ourselves.
Sometimes it is the things we do NOT say that make the biggest difference. What you do NOT say will rarely come back to cause you pain.
And anytime you want to change or improve something about him focus instead on his BEST point and tell him why you like the aspect of him so much.
You know about positive reinforcement.
If he does something well then praise him to the heavens for that particular actions.
Because it can take years before a person reveals ever facet of who they are. We think we know a person well after one or two or three years. But the truth is that it takes time for anyone to trust another completely. Your boyfriend no doubt has some good skills and attributes and aspects of his Character that are really good things that you have not even guessed at yet.
He may not even realise it himself yet.
Imagine if Mrs Bill Gates spent the first five years telling him where he was going wrong? Would he have believed in himself long term?
I always maintain that when a couple are 'in sync' they start to blossom. But if all they get is criticism then they will never blossom. They will start to worry that they are never going to be good enough for your high standards.
And one day they will stop and think, "I do not need this anymore. I am not a bad person"
Your intentions are good. But unless man is drowning in the middle of the river he does not want to be "SAVED" by an overcritical girlfriend.
It is not mature to be so critical. It is overly-judgemental and it is a stance that lacks empathy for the other party.
And if you are not yet over your idealised first boyfriend then yes, you have a problem, and maybe some counselling might help. Maybe you had on rose coloured glasses back then? It is good that you notice so much.
But not nice to constantly find fault with anyone.
Maybe practise some Affirmations every morning and every night. Such as:
"CcA you are a good person and you have a great guy. So today I am going to say something complimentary to my great guy"
"CcA what a lucky girl I am to have such a great guy as my Boyfriend. I thank my lucky stars that I have been so blessed to meet such a great guy"
"CcA my wonderful Boyfriend deserves my respect and my caring way of doing things. But most of all he needs my empathy and any time he deserves Praise i will give him praise with no "if" and no "But" and no negative comments to follow my praise. Because he deserves my empathy and my kindness"
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 I suspect you are picking men who are beneath you. Thus the temptation to constantly make them better plagues you. You are obviously attracted to men who seem like a "project" to you. For one thing you won't feel the need to compete with them for brain power. You won't have to feel inferior either, since their career choice is obviously lesser than yours. However you know they aren't really on your level either, so you begin by harmlessly trying to make suggestions, that later turn into demands and another relationship crumbles before you very eyes. You really should look for men that are close to your own professional abilities. A better match if you will. Then you'll probably be less likely to dictate to him all the improvements he needs to make. Good luck.
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