A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I have been married to my husband for nearly 12 years. I am now 26, he is now 30. In the beginning of our marriage was bad, he cheated with one of my best friends 6 months after we were married, than a year later with another women, and I stayed. Than we moved to another state, and he was always verbally abusive, at one point when I was pregnant with our 3ed child I was having some depression issues and tried to kill myself, he told me to do it. Than after our third baby was born, he started to lie about everything, even things that didn't matter; and in one instance it was about him smoking again. I found his stash and ask if they were his, he said he was holding on to them for a friend, so I said if they are not your you don't mind if I crush them and proceed to do so, and he hit me, hard, I was holding the infant car seat containing our than 2 month old child, and our other 2 boys watched. Tn things settled down, they didn't really get better they just didn't get worse. Than 2 years later he had a job change, he went into truck driving and was on the road, which I liked that he was gone, but he was taking out draws, $300 a week sometimes out of a $600 pay check and buying smokes, and junk, meanwhile I was at home pregnant with out 4th child and didn't have enough food to feed the 3 boys let alone my pregnant self, I ended up 30lbs lighter, later I found out that he knew there was no food and he didn't care as long as he got his smokes, that was 3 years ago. I thought things were getting better. He just got a new job after being unemployed for the last 18 months and to today told me he lied to me about how much he was sending out on the road again The sad part is this isn't everything that I have have had to and am now putting up with.I stayed for my children,but how can they grow up to be good men with such a poor example? I don't know what to do I don't want a divorce because my parents had one and it was bad on me, but I don't know what else to do. I am in school now and will have my lpn with in 2 years. What to do?
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best friend, crush, divorce, smokes Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jessicaa  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I grew up with parents the way you were, my dad hitting my mum, shouting at her and just being abusive has had a bigger effect then the day my mum left my dad a million times over
I have always said, some people are not possible to change. Don't stay together for the kids because you are making neither you nor your family happy, I hope you make the right choice, your still young.
No one but you can change the situation, so do it before its too late. I wish you all the best! Please take care of you and your sons! X x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): As hard as a divorce may be on you and your kids, I don't see things getting better or your husband ever changing his ways. Do you really want to wait till your kids are grown and out of the house (maybe another 15 years at least) before you stop putting up with his treatment of you???
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 You need to take your children and get away from him. I cannot believe he told you to just kill yourself but I am relieved that you still breathe to tell your story. I did once try it, it was depression but I lived through it and now, like you, I am stronger for it. If you have family or freinds you can go to, do it. But do not take this man's abuse any longer. If he hits you, call the police and have him thrown in jail to rot like the damned putrescence he has for a soul. I have heard about men like this far too many times in this week alone. You need to leave him and you need to take your children with you. Do not worry about them having a father figure, I never had one to look up to but I have grown into the man I am today, a proud, independant and stronger man than my father ever was and I had my mother to look up to because even though she struggled, she pulled us through the difficult times. You don't need him and your children definitely do not need him. Like I said, go to a family members place or a friend's place and try to finish your classes if possible.
First thing's first though, get away from this man. Go to a family member or freind and stay with them, find a job that can help and take care of yourself. You need to be healthy to take care of your children. You need a divorce! It is actually better for your children to go through that than whatever it is they are going through right now. Believe me. Just please get away from him and call the police if he tries to touch you again. This is not how a husband should EVER treat his wife, it angers even me! Just leave him for the sake of yourself and your children.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 I admire your courage to take care of four kids while being in school. You put your kids before your needs. You are a good woman. You are under no obligation to stay in this marriage. A divorce would be the best thing for you and your kids. You should have sent him to jail the moment he hit you. On rare occasions babies die of SIDS because the father or mother smokes. He's not contributing to the well being of the family, so what do you need him for? He's continuing his journey of slow death. Don't let him drag the whole family down. The only thing that makes you postpone the divorce is your fear of his reaction. He is definitely going to be abusive so you need to line yourself up with help from family members, law enforcement, and social resources.
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A
female
reader, [?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] +, writes (12 October 2010):
![[?]BitterSweetFinale;[?] agony aunt](/avatars/7bb1e9ea-6c2f-43b8-a4f7-0635b7eff08c.png) I'm so so sorry hun.. This is deffinetly a hard decision. I know what you mean on how the divorce would be alot of pressure for your kids. But I mean if he told you to kill yourself?! That is no reason to keep staying with him. You are right, that is a very poor example of a father for your kids. All I can tell you if you're 100% positive of not getting a divorce, than please suggest to go to counseling for you and your husband. You need to work on the issues your enduring. Than you need to set your boundaries.. If this doesn't go through well, than maybe a separation. I know, if you took the kids into your custody, you probably wouldn't want them to go back and forth bewtween you and your husband, but I mean if things are that intense.. You'd not be as stressed. Not separating, then space can help and maybe he can think and make better decisions. He needs to grow up, getting cigarettes before your kids needs is no excuse. Rehab can also be offered. I may not be as familiar with divorces, but my parents are separated as I've stated in a different question. I just pray you'll make the right choice, you seem to be a great mother, it's just the father that needs to get his act together. Take care & hope all goess well, xoxo.
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