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female
,
anonymous
writes: How much time together with his children's mother is too much time? My boyfriend, who I have been with for 10 months now, has two children with his ex-girlfriend. He and her had a solid relationship for about 7 years and an on-off relationship for 3 years. My concern is that he is not over her. He hangs out with her and their kids a couple of times a week, and he spend holiday with her and their kids. She also calls or text msgs him at 12, 1 o'clock at night which I think is ridiculous. He says that she calls when she wants. He refuses to set boundaries with her because he says he is concerned about her and that he has to make sure she is okay so his kids will be. He says in someways he is still emotionally attached and say that he loves her but is not in love with her. I love him, but is he making a fool out of me?
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female
reader, missbunbury  +, writes (15 March 2006):
 This is a difficult one, because it's not as if you can expect him to just cut off all contact. Is she always there when he sees the kids? This seems a bit excessive - it's nice for kids to have Dad Time sometimes, and it would probably make you feel a lot better, so maybe you should suggest to him as a compromise that he could see them once with her and once without each week? As I say, it could only be good for the kids, so his ex should be happy enough with this. Then in a year or so you could start joining him when he's alone with them. As far as the phone calls and texts go, I wouldn't say you should try and get him to stop her from calling, but how does he react to the calls and texts? Does he always answer, even if it's not important? Does he show you the texts, or is he secretive? This is another area where you may be able to compromise - see if you can get him to agree that if she calls or texts "just for a chat" often, he will start gently explaining that he's too busy right now. It sounds as if she may be a bit unstable, based on the fact that he expresses concern, but if she is trying to get him back, he needs to understand that pandering to her will only give her false hope.
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