A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in love with one of my best friends for over half a year now. She does have a boyfriend of 10-11 months... however, during these past 6 months, I've literally spent all my time with her. The relationship wasn't healthy though. I am very needy/dependent and came to her for everything (e.g. if I had a problem and needed to talk). Likewise, she is a very motherly figure and enjoyed telling me what to do and helping me out. About a month ago, things kind of imploded and the relationship became too much for her to handle. Things seemed to repair themselves fairly quickly, but she had lost some respect/trust for me. In the next month, things were up and down. And two weeks ago, she laid it all out and told me that she wasn't my "girlfriend, sister, or mother, and with that comes boundaries." She also said that she has tried to be good friends, but that I've taken it to a whole different level. She said for now, she doesn't think we should talk about personal things. She also said that she's known that I've liked her for a long time now. I just don't know how much space I'm supposed to give her. We have classes together, so we've had to see each other these past couple weeks. I've tried to keep contact initiation to as little as possible, but it's REALLY hard for me. I always find myself thinking about her, and it hurts a lot. I find myself wanting to tell her updates to my life (some small, some large). Am I supposed to NOT initiate contact with her until my feelings for her are gone? (That might take a really long time...)Should I just wait for her to eventually initiate contact again? I feel like that might never happen... One of my best friends said that loves me and cares about me, just not in the same way. So, she hasn't been expressing that because she doesn't want me to get the wrong impression.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right. I think I needed that push. Thank you. I just made an executive decision. I am not going.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (20 June 2011):
 Everyone including me and your conscience are all telling you not to go.
Ultimately your choice, but don't be surprised about the horrible outcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThose are great points. For some reason I still haven't 100% convinced myself to NOT attend the retreat next weekend. I'm not sure why. Everyone online has told me that it would be a terrible idea to go -- and I think deep down I know that too... it's just going to prolong the healing process if I go. Of course it hasn't been very long yet, but she's still always on my mind.
I could delve into some of my other insecurities about friendship, but that would be taking us into a whole new direction, haha.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 June 2011):
If you run into her, just say "Hello" and go on with your destination. There's no need to engage in small talk with her..just keep moving.
You know as well as I do that half those people that select attending on a FB event don't end up going. Something else comes up before then or they're just not up to it. So you can't say for sure if she's going or not.
Wait till the day of the hangout session then ask your friend if she's going, if she's not then hang out with your friend. However if she is going to be with your friend, I'd advise you not to hang out with that crowd. Find other friends to go out with that night.
1. You don't want to make the situation any more awkward than it already is.
2. You don't want to create potential dramatic situations in front of your friends.
3. You most likely won't enjoy yourself that much if she's around due to all the
drama between you two.
It's best just to avoid any potential crappy situations that can (and will) arise if you attend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. And again, thank you for all the help and advice.
It turns out she agreed to come to my 21st birthday celebration (next week). So, I guess that will genuinely be the last time I see her / speak to her until I am ready again. Unless, of course, we happen to run into each other.
Unfortunately, I'm already running into other problems with this whole giving space thing... A friend made a Facebook event for a hangout next weekend, inviting both of us. She already clicked 'attending'. So I feel like I can no longer go even if I want to.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 June 2011):
Yay you can only talk to your friends so much about her before enough is enough. It's sometimes very helpful to have an outsider's, non-judgemental, third party opinion on a situation.
You're welcome, and absolutely. I'm often on here, if I'm going to be gone for a bit off of here then I will let you know. You won't be the first guy I've given a nudge in getting over a girl and you definitely won't be the last.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright. Thank you so much for all the help. If I ever have more questions about this, can I send you a private message?
To be perfectly honest, I think my friends are pretty much fed up with me talking about her. So I feel like the only people I can ask for advice are online now. One of them said she'd be willing to chat, but when I asked her when she's free, she never got back to me. Another one said he'd be there for emotional support. Sent him a message or two online but he never responded.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 June 2011):
Yes, the NO CONTACT will give her time to get over things that have happened in the past and her feeling for you.
I don't entirely agree with your friend..feelings for people go away within time. People grow up, move on, and their feelings change. Friends and lovers also come and go. Only time will tell if you will still harbor feelings for her in time. Most likely not, like I said people will float in and out of your life. You will see this as you go on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. Right now I'm not that tempted to check her FB. I would hate to have to delete or block her.
That's a good point. I know she jokes every once in a while that she's coldhearted, but when things were better between us, I think I witnessed the exact opposite. She really did care about me and wanted to make sure that I was doing things that would make me happy.
I know I shouldn't be focusing on things like this, but will this time/space also give her time to get over the hurt? I know she doesn't like discussing things, so in the past she's said she'd rather let go of things than talk about them.
One friend also commented that it may not be wise to become close friends again after all this is done. She said that while I will get over her in time, deep down, the feelings for her will still be there. So, spending time with her and talking to her may allow the feelings to bubble back up to the surface.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (15 June 2011):
Good progress so far. If you're too tempted to check her FB profile then just delete/block her from FB all together.
NO CONTACT AT ALL! Ignore her stupid remarks about your LSAT. Law school is a good choice, not everyone has what it takes to be a lawyer. At her age, she's unqualified to tell you what your career path should be.
Honestly, I don't know her personally so I can't tell whether or not she still cares. But I do believe she's acting out like that because she's still hurt. Whether she wants to admit it or not. So does she still care about you? Most likely, unless she's a heartless girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. I also hid her stuff from showing up on my news feed on Facebook. I can't keep on getting those reminders about her. It just hurts too much to see her interacting with others, even though I still want to feel connected to her in some way.
I keep getting hung up on whether she still cares about me or not... and on the hope that she will want to be friends with me after all of this is through.
Even though she's mad at me right now, and has said some mean comments (for instance, she said she didn't want me to get a good score on the LSAT because she didn't want me to go to law school because she didn't think it was a good choice for me), do you think she still cares about me?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (12 June 2011):
Honestly, I wouldn't read too much into it. I would take it as she feels bad, or is acting like nothing happened. Just take her actions and communication with a grain of salt.
Communicate with her ONLY when she communicates with you. DON'T rely upon her like you have. Instead, take this time to be more self-sufficent and to not rely upon anyone but yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, will do. Thanks for all the advice. We had a final for one of our classes this morning, and it caught me a bit off guard when she texted me making sure that I was awake. There was a little bit of chit-chat before the exam started... and afterward, she texted me a comment about it. Not sure if there's any point reading into that, but it surprised me a little bit that she contacted me at all after yesterday.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 June 2011):
Ouch, and she acted like a bitch. Rather uncalled for.
You know I get that you're a needy/dependent guy and can be overbearing(then again I don't know you personally) but if she's been friends with you for quite a while, then there's no need to turn on you like she did. I mean you went out on a limb and confessed how you felt about her, then she just leaves you standing. In a way I guess it's a punishment for what you not saying anything about it, when she went out on a limb. But two wrongs don't make a right.
Your friend is going to have a rude awakening in the real world when not everything goes her way.
Look at it this way, you manned up and told her how you felt. That's an ACCOMPLISHMENT!! Most guys can't do that. If she can't see how much you care for and your personal growth just now, then that's on her.
Cut off contact..if she contacts you with an apology, let me know. For now, NO CONTACT. Just know that she's the one who blew it this time, not you.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 June 2011):
Yeah, but you thought that when she asked you about it..and look where you are with her now. She gave you the bait but you didn't bite.
Why continue to silently be in love with her? You don't know if she doesn't feel anything for you at this point.
If you actually love this girl and wish to be more than friends then tell her. Also let me tell you, that this is a RARE opportunity that you're being let out of the friend zone. Why not take full advantage of it?
It will accomplish you having confidence, making a decision on your own, and taking a risk to get what you want. To learn to stop being so needy and dependent.
It's up to you. Or go back to not telling her how you feel, and maintain the No Contact rule until she contacts you or until you're over her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told her. She initially said: "I have had my share of personal talks for a while. Sorry. Things have come up lately that make me not want to talk about personal things." I told her that it wasn't to whine or anything. Then she asked what it was about. I told her everything. She just sort of took it and didn't say anything. Just a confirmation that she got what I was saying.
It hurts a lot knowing I can't talk to her now. Maybe one day we'll rekindle the friendship. Or maybe she isn't interested in one with me ever again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you really think I should tell her all of that? At this point, I don't think she feels for me in that way at all.
I mean I really do want to tell her exactly how I feel about her, and apologize for everything that I've done... but what will it accomplish?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 June 2011):
No, you're not getting it.
Tell her that you're IN LOVE with her, APOLOGIZE for your actions, and then SEE what she says.
If she wants NOTHING TO DO with you, then I would advise NO CONTACT (at all). But don't ever tell her you're cutting her off, I'm sure she's going to be aware of what's going on.
However if she wants to be with you, no more problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, thanks for the response. The thing is, when she asked, it was already after things had imploded the first time. Also, she had already known before then that I liked her. So, when she asked, I thought if I said yes, it would have been a way for her to distance herself from me.
Does that mean I should also tell her about my 'plan', as in not contacting her until my feelings for her are gone?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
No, I wouldn't update her about big things in your life.
Lay your feelings out on the table, APOLOGIZE, and see what she says.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
You did leave out a chunk of impertinent info. My apologies if I seemed a bit harsh in my other post.
So you two grew closer than she expected in the last 6 months, especially with her having a boyfriend. Then when she took a leap and asked you if you could ever see you two in a relationship, instead of taking the bait you said no! Feeling embarrassed and angry she distanced herself from you. Understandable in a way, but not totally unnecessary.
If I were you I would do some damage control now. Confess your feelings and tell her how you really feel, that it was stupid of you to lie but you didn't know if she felt the same way because she's taken! Even throw in that you were respecting their friendship and her current relationship. See how she takes it, if she needs time then give her time to come around.
As far as inviting her to upcoming affairs, I would send her an invite (otherwise she'll be offended if you don't) but don't expect her to show.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried to condense the info as much as possible, but I can explain more. During those 6 months, she would cook meals for me, we would go shopping, there was overt flirting (wrestling around, play fighting, teasing, etc), I would almost always be over at her apartment just talking, and oddly enough I was seeing her family more than her boyfriend.
About a month and a half ago, she actually asked me if I ever wanted more than a friendship. I didn't know what else to do, so I lied and said no. During that recent conversation, she said that she knew I lied and that hurt her. I said I didn't want to make things worse, but she said she lost some trust in me. I'm sure there's a ton of other little stories I could add on.
I'd say best friends since December/January, but friends before that as well.
Do you suggest that I initiate no contact until my feelings for her are gone, then? As in, don't even invite her to my birthday (which is coming up very soon)? Don't update her big things happening in my life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): your friend did the right thing of being honest with you and setting boundaries with you. Because the truth is that everyone has the right to personal boundaries, relationships also need to have healthy boundaries, and you were very obviously violating hers because of your neediness and dependency.
You need to respect her boundaries or you will lose her as a friend.
You need to stay away from her, do not initiate contact, and only if she initiates contact with you, then you respond but only at the same level. Yes I know it's hard, but that's because you're too needy and dependent, and this is how you will learn to become more independent.
This is for your own good. Your friend is doing you a favor. If she didn't tell you off and set boundaries with you, you'll never learn to be more independent. (and the friendship would be ruined eventually when the burden on her to "take care" of you becomes too great for her to bear)
you should widen your circle of friends so you're not so needy and dependent on this one friend. don't put all your emotional investment in her and her alone, that's not good even if she was your girlfriend. it's not healthy to have your world revolve around one person. You need to diversify and make new friendships and not have your emotional well being dependent on just one person.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
Anything that specifically happened in the last few months that you're not letting on? There seems to be something missing.
How long have you two been best friends?
It just sounds like she's reached her breaking point with you. She's not your therapist and you're wearing out your best friend status. Time to back off and give yourself time. You need to learn to rely upon yourself and family members instead of your friends. It's evident that she's had enough of you for right now.
Unless she specified a timeline, I would give it a LOT of time. As in the next 6 months, you need to try to move on from her. Since she has a boyfriend and from your post, it appears that she's not in love you. Sorry.
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