A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About a month ago I started to get to know a guy from my class in college a little better. We first started talking online, and then he offered for me to sit with him in class, so I did. After that we started talking more online - in fact, he hardly stopped. Any time there was a silence, he would always think of something to say, and it was quite obvious it was just an excuse to talk. He started inviting me to hang out with him and his friends during our free periods in college, so I started spending more time with him. Now I'm not much of a talker, so I found it hard to think of things to say, especially when his friends pretty much ignored me too, and I felt like I was just being a nuisance by tagging along with them all the time. Occasionally this guy stayed with me when I met up with my own friends in college, and it was very obvious to both myself and my friends that he liked me, and I'd even heard from someone that he told them he liked me, he just was't sure if I liked him back. I thought it wouldn't be that hard to figure out because I was always spending so much time with him and we had been flirting (mostly online; it seems we both found it easier to talk online than in person). So, having waited for so long to see if he would make the first move, I decided that I would tell him I liked him. However, things suddenly changed this week; he stopped texting me, stopped initiating a conversation online, and stopped offering to hang out when we had free periods (he usually said something along the lines of "text me if you're not going to that lesson" or "text me if you want to come with me and my friends"). He's usually the one to initiate things, so because he didn't, I gave him space - for example, if we had just spent a free period together, he'd tell me what he was doing at lunch, but I would choose to stay in the college rather than go with him to his friend's, or wherever else he planned on going. I also noticed that whenever we just walked out of the lesson together, he would speed up and if he saw someone he knew, he'd catch up to them and start talking to them, as if he was trying to avoid me. So because of this, I didn't get a chance to even talk to him to ask what's going on, much less tell him I like him, so I texted him instead, saying if he wanted me to back off to just say so. He replied and said he doesn't mind me hanging out with him, he just wants some space and finds it a little uncomfortable when I don't talk much, but that it's great to have a friend like me. This surprised me because I'm a very distant person and I find I'm the one that's usually asking for space, and we'd spent less time together this week than we had the previous fortnight (and he was the one always wanting to spend time together). I replied and said that I was glad he'd told me, and that I'd already said once that I was shy so it's hard to know what to say, but that I understand. Since we have a week's break from college, I probably won't see him, and I didn't get a chance to tell him in person, so I also said in the text that I liked him. He said he was surprised that I'd said I like him, and thanked me for being honest. He also said he wasn't quite ready for a relationship (having broken up with his girlfriend 6-7 weeks ago, I'm guessing), but that he likes me and still wants to get to know me more, and hopes that someday we can be comfortable together. I'm not sure if he just meant being comfortable around each other to talk more, or comfortable in a relationship together, and I have the feeling he's just trying to be nice by saying things like he wants to get to know me more. If he wants space I won't complain, but if he finds it uncomfortable when we hang out how else can we get to know each other better? Sure, we might be able to be together online, but it'll still be awkward in person. Does he mean exactly what he says, or is there another reason in asking for space (I don't mean another girl), but does he want space to think about where this is going, hence why he said he isn't ready for a relationship, or something else (like that)? How much time should I give him - until he makes the effort to get to know me again? And what should I do in the meantime? I'm afraid if I cut off all communication whatsoever (texting, talking online, or even just saying hi when we pass each other in college) that he won't be interested in hanging out with me again. In one of his texts, he said he just wanted some time alone with his friends (he makes it sound like I'm always there when I'm not), so should I just stop spending time with him but still talk online?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): I hate to say this and crush your spirits but he is actually using the "I need space" excuse so he will not have to tell you that he wants to see other people.
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