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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my b/f for 3 years. He makes plans to do things with me then changes the plans if something else comes up. He'll say I don't do it on purpose but I feel like i'm only good enough if something else doesn't come up. When I get upset and bring it to his attention then he'll find some time to make me happy so I won't leave him. As soon as everything gets back to normal he seems to slip back into the same pattern. He is good to me when we are together but I am feeling like i'm definately not his priority. How many times can I keep bringing this to his attention before he gets that he's hurting me? His apologies are meaning nothing to me anymore. He says he loves me but things just come up or he forgot that we were going to do something. Friends have said I should start doing the same thing to him but i'm not into games. Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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reader, MartiJJ  +, writes (24 October 2016):
 Honey pie has very good advice on this situation but can I suggest going one stage further, Forget him altogether! This will seem very harsh I'm sure but I personally wasted 11 years of my life with a man Exactly like this, they are narcissistic and they DON'T change, even worse is the fact that they don't recognise their behaviour is a problem, to them not putting you, or your plans first just isn't something they would naturally consider. They apologise till the cows come home in an attempt to smooth the waters after seeing you upset because they want you to stick around for their own selfish reasons, and you sometimes feel that they actually care about you, they Don't they only care about what they want. Don't make the mistake I did, get out before you get far too invested.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2016):
 Since you have already discussed it a few times, MAYBE what you need to do is put the shoe on the other foot and DO what HE did to you.
I don't advocate tit for tat, but... HE may have to EXPERIENCE it to understand how it feels. So yes, I agree with your friends. You shouldn't always HAVE to be the one to compromise.
Though honestly, I would STOP making HIM your first priority. Don't plan your life and free time around him. HAVE a life of your own too. Like make plans with friends and if HE tries to make plans with you that day, turn him down. I don't think that is "playing games" but being an INDIVIDUAL who HAS a life. He might BE one of the most important people in your life, but... YOU should be THE most important one in YOUR life. Just like HE is THE most important in his.
My guess is, he doesn't see the big deal because he is a tad selfish and because he knows... YOU will stick around and suck it up. You forgave him the first time, and the XX amount of time - so obviously you have partially (in his eyes) accepted this behavior.
I have said this before, don't orbit a guy. Don't be the moon and "make" him be the sun.
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