A
male
age
41-50,
*raysie
writes:I just got engaged to my girlfriend and have always avoided the topic of her past because of the fear of her having had a lot of exes.Somehow, recently we got talking in that line and she told me how much she liked oral sex and that she had had sex with 9 people starting from age 18 and now she is 23.I am petrified, 9 is the most i have heard anyone, at least that age, had bedded. She claims to be very religious and now i can't figure out how it all happened. We live worlds apart and am really confused now...i need to know how many bed mates is the average and acceptable at that age. Please comment
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engaged, her past, oral sex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2007): Hey my boyfriend is at 63, and I am at 26. we are in our mid-twenties and I do not consider either of us slutty! We both lost our virginity very young (I was 11, he was 13). As long as you tested and assured a mis-spent youth didn't leave anything, you should stop judging and get on with your future. We are in the US so maybe it is different....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): I reject the whole idea that sleeping with a bunch of people is part of what makes you "the person you are now." Sleeping with a bunch of people makes you a slut, male or female. You grow from serious relationships and life experience, and that's not sex. Most people can't even call more than a few relationships "serious" during their whole lives, but their sexual partner lists are a hell of a lot longer than that.People screw others for sexual reasons, and there's nothing good coming from the fact that anyone as screwed dozens of different people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007): I only take issue with the comment below that "If 9 petrifies you then clearly 9 is over an acceptable number for you. There is nothing wrong with holding this view, far from it. It seems the only people who would argue against this are from people who they themselves have slept with alot of people"
This is the insight of a 23 year old who hopes to put an end to his bachelorhood in the next year or so. The number of people that you have slept with has little to do with the virtue or morals of an individual...Marriage is not for everyone, and I can assure you that if you never marry and live to a certain age, you will have slept with in your lifetime more than 9 partners. This does not make you unacceptable, immoral, or unloveable....the fantasy is the white picket fence, the prince on a white horse and the princess that you can ride off into the sunset with.
This does not happen in life for many people. I am 50 years old, I have never been married, I have no children, I have a college degree, I have a career, I have been in love more than once, I have slept with more than 9 people before the age of 30, and I have not had a promiscuous past. I don't sleep with men that I don't think that I could possibly come to love, they have not always returned my feelings, or wanted marriage, and neither have I. Timing plays an important part in how relationships turn out and gets complicated by life, ex-wives, finances and children among a host of other issues...
It is idiotic to look at only one variable, or one measurent of a person and their past relationships, i.e. how many sexual partners they have had.
Relationships are a two way street, they don't work out more often than they do, the intention may have been there, but it did not come to anything. Adults expect there to be a sexual component to their relationships and when they end it is not just a notch in the belt of eadh partner as a sexual conquest, but a relationship that did not work out and got them that much closer to the right one.
So to say that people who don't care to look at their partner's sexual past are only those who have slept with a lot of people is like saying, those people who can't stand to date a drug addict are only those who have not done drugs themselves...(it is like...so what, it depends on what side of the fence you are on and what your perception of reality is, and it can be completely different and completely wrong thinking) ..Linear thinking like this leads people to a faulty sense of reality and a lack of understanding based on a faulty perception and a lack of the big picture.
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male
reader, kraysie +, writes (23 March 2007):
kraysie is verified as being by the original poster of the question...thanks guys, i feel kinda stupid in my reaction to the facts i got from my fiancee...but i love her with all my heart. my concern was basically that we are apart for now becos of our different commitments.
i have decided to never think or discuss any issues like that and to focus all my love and attention on her becos she deserves every bit of it...maybe if she had loved any of her exes i wud not have had the opportunity to be with her...she is amazing to me.
thanks y'all
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007): I have slept with 24 and i'm 23, most of my friends are on about 15 but i think things are different in the UK. Bottom line is if you love her it shouldnt matter if it was 0 or 100.
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male
reader, kraysie +, writes (22 March 2007):
kraysie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you to every one who responded to this posting...i have drawn inspiration from a number of them.
i posted this just at the moment she told me of the number. the issue is she had all the while made me feel the number was 4, thats why i was "petrified" at how it jumped to 5.
not like there is a lot to worry about if she decides its time up on all that and she will stop at that and cherish what we now share and hope to build.
i love her to bits and i always let her know how much i love her. i cant possibly judge her on this issue, but i was just worried because she probably met some of these people while we were already getting really close. like i said we live worlds apart and it leaves us with talking over the phone, by emails and text messages.
thanks especially to dr pete and yos
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Hi,
You didn't bring up how many people you have slept with. Is there a reason for that? I don't think that nine is really unusual in this day and age, but what if it is? Is there some kind of judgement you need to pass on your girlfriend? If you decided that she is important enough to you that you obviously love her and want to marry her, why is this number such a big deal? YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST. She is faithful and in love now and the only number that you should be concerned with is how many people she sleeps in the future! She has agreed to marry you and is promising to sleep with YOU only for the rest of her life and THAT should be enough for you. So many men question this number because of the age old Madonna/Whore ideal image, they Want to marry virgins - but are Attracted to someone who is more worldly! AND the problem with the Madonna/Whore dilemma is that you are judged to be either one or the other and the truth is most women are Neither - they are just human beings - somewhere in between. Are you questioning "Why didn't she wait for me?" I can't imagine that you waited for her, at the age of 30-35, I would imagine that you have slept with a few people yourself. Get yourselves tested and stop torturing yourself. You have the power to turn off thoughts that are destructive to you. Don't blow this out of all proportion. It's upsetting because you only just heard the news. Remember, she trusted you enough to tell you because she believes in your love for her. She believes in you. She must love you very much. Congratulations and Best of Luck to you Both.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 You say you can't 'figure out how it all happened'.
It is important that you don't make this something you have to 'figure out'. Trying to do so is going to lead you into a vicious circle of pain, and increasing difficulties with your fiancé. There is nothing to figure out here, all there is is for you to either accept her for who she is now, or to leave her. The only factor in this is whether you can cope with the information and your emotions: whether you can put it behind you (like she has).
Do know that the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. As a man who cares about his girlfriend, the thought of her being with other men is bound to be painful. This is perfectly healthy. The 'trick' (in my experience) to handling this is to accept the unpleasant feelings without feeling the need to dwell on them and read additional meaning into them. For an analogy: if you trod on a nail, you'd allow yourself to get upset about the pain at that moment, but not feel the need to question why you stood on it in the first place, or to find out who made the nail and start to blame them for it. Same thing with this: yes it is difficult and painful, but accept that as how things are without needing to take it further and assign blame or seek revenge. If you are able to do this you'll find that the pain and anxiety gets less over time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Everyone is different and we all have a past so don't get too hung up on hers. She was honest enough to tell you all about hers, so don't let it bother you. Relax and enjoy what you both have, not what she had. You cannot change the past so don't get too worried about it.
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): i dont think you should worry about the muber of partners shes had. if anything that you should be concerned about is, if she can stop having aprtners and belong to only you. if you have that, then why worry about the past. i was a virgin till 20yrs. im 27yrs now, and have had loads of boyfriends! ive lost count, but doe sthat make me a bad person, i dont think so, ive been with my bf now for 2 years and only him. id be happy to stay with only him for the rest of my life because ive experienced everything i needed to. so dont worry about it, shes with you now!! enjoy it
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Hi kraysie,
You need to appreciate that there is no one general acceptable number when it comes to sexual partners. There are virgin's at age 23 and there are people who have slept with well over 100 people by age 23.
If 9 petrifies you then clearly 9 is over an acceptable number for you. There is nothing wrong with holding this view, far from it. It seems the only people who would argue against this are from people who they themselves have slept with alot of people.
In defense of your girlfriend for someone to be sexually active for 6 years it is not that difficult to end up sleeping with 9 people, these things can happen quite easily.
Regardless of what people who argue it means nothing about someones past, quite clearly the sexual history of someone does play an important part in how you view that person or you wouldn't be writing this question. We do judge our partners on our own experiences and if you had refrained from having so many partners it is understandable that you now feel so confused - you're not alone.
I feel though it is important to look at the present day and the future. It sounds like your girlfriend wishes to settle down and make a life with you, so whilst her past may upset you, I would say to try and see things for how they are now. It is unfortunately a case that we learn from our mistakes rather than our success's and in the case of sexual partners and for women in general it does seem quite common. I doubt your girlfriend ever wished to have slept with 9 people by the age of 23 but rather relationships and situations with previous guys did not work out and that was not her fault.
The other thing is that often time heals things such as this, it may be a shock now but with time your mind may calm and reason things out. I do really hope things work out for you both, all the best.
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female
reader, electra +, writes (21 March 2007):
 HEY SWEETIE
WELL FIRSTLY BABE CALM DOWN, I CAN UNDERSTAND UR CONCERNS HERE BABE BUT BASICALLY I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST, DON'T RAKE UP THINGS THAT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED YOU SAY SHE WAS RELUCTANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE NUMBER OF EXES SHE WAS AFRAID OF YOU THE GUY SHE LOVES JUDGING HER FOR PAST EVENTS AND SWEETIE WITHOUT REALISING IT THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR DOING ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT WHEN SHE HAD ALL THE SEXUAL ACTIVITY IN HER PAST THAT IT WAS SAFE PROTECTED SEX SO THAT YOU HAVE NO FEARS OF CATCHING ANYTHING FROM HER, WHICH FROM WHAT YOU HAVE SAID ABOUT HER BEING QUITE RELIGIOUS THEN I WOULD IMAGINE THAT SHE WAS FULLY PROTECTED ANYWAY. SO MY ADVICE TO YOU SWEET IS DON'T RAKE OVER PAST EVENTS JUST LOOK FORWARDS TO THE DELIGHTFUL FUTURE THAT YOU TWO WILL ENJOY TOGETHER, BUT ANOTHER SMALL PIECE OF ADVICE BABE JUST REASSURE YOUR G/F THAT THE PAST HAS NO EFFECT ON YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP AND THAT U WON'T JUDGE HER BY WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST OK....
I HOPE YOU FOUND MY ADVICE HELPFUL, IT WAS CERTAINLY HEARTFELT ANYWAY, YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OK BE HAPPY AN IF YOU EVER NEED A CHAT OR A SOUNDING BOARD OR A FRIEND TO TALK TO I'M ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU OK TAKE CARE :-)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): there is no normal value...my GF has had sex with 6 guys and she's 19. But when i asked her about how many guys she had done "other stuff" with the number rose to 15! If this really bothers you i would clarify these things with her sooner rather than later. But also remember there is no point in wasting a perfectly good relationship on this, but only you know how u really feel!
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female
reader, stevie jade +, writes (21 March 2007):
 I have heard of much worse.This is ok, you have nothing to worry about.People are diffrent,have diffrent levels of exprience,it doesnt mean their bad people.Relax...theres worse things to worry about.
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