A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my problem is that my boyfriend of 6 years ended our relationship last week. I had noticed he'd been acting a bit strange for a few days, distant and things, but didn't really think much of it until he started ignoring me. It went on all day, until I text him "I need an explanation, are you going to break up with me or something?!" and his reply was "I'm sorry we'll talk soon"So I managed to convince him to come over, and his words were "I don't feel the same about you anymore" I was hysterical. A complete shock. We don't really argue very much, and we were happy so I thought. We were due to move in together, in the next few months. I asked if he'd found anyone else, and he said no, no one which I believe, he was telling me the truth on that one. Once i'd calmed down somehwhat, I thought about some of my friends who had been in long term relationships and gone on a break, and now they were all married and happy. I suggested that maybe we should go on a break instead of breaking up, and he agreed saying something like "Maybe i'll realise how foolish Im being". It was just awful, I'd never seen him cry before that night. We hugged and he was led with his head in my lap, it was so weird.It's been 9 days so far. I've been thinking that maybe this is all because he doesn't want to move in with me yet, and instead of talking about it to family and friends like a normal person he's kept it bottled inside and he's reached breaking point (I asked him if he'd talked to anyone about it) making it all so much worse. All my friends and family who know us both think he definatley has cold feet.But my question is, how long should I leave it before contacting him? I text him a few days ago, just to see if he wanted to meet up for a chat before we decide anything, because I have questions and lots of them. He replied "I think it's too soon but we can if you want", so I left it.This is the worst feeling ever, i'm in limbo. But I understand he needs time to think about things.What should I do guys?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 November 2015):
 I, too, think it's over. A 'break' is just what he's willing to call it to soften the blow for you. There is a remote chance it's also a safety net for him in case his freedom doesn't pan out for him.
After 6 years of dating the man knows by now whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't think this is a simple case of cold feet.
If it helps you feel better then leave it for a month, and, as suggested, don't initiate any contact. Let him do that. On the remote chance you do get back together, like SVC says, it should be with an engagement ring and a date set to get married. Enough dicking around in limbo.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (13 November 2015):
 He needs 3 or 4 dates to check the other woman out thoroughly. That could take as much as 6 weeks. I know you believe there is no other person but the red flags are all flying.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2015):
 Oh Sweetie... he wanted to break up... you asked for a break and are just putting off the inevitable. I would bet a years salary that you guys will not be a couple ever again. DO not fall into the belief that "make up sex" will get him back...
IF after 6 years, he is not ready to move in and make a commitment to you, then it's best to let him go.
I would assume it's over and done and that you need to mourn the loss, work towards healing and then move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2015): Okay, this guy has been your boyfriend since you were about 16. Then he gets cold-feet about moving in, and wants to go on a break?
Seriously?!!
I think he's tired of dating you, doesn't want to move-in with you, and is dying to date someone else. You're nearly a sister. He grew up with you, and he needs to meet other females to learn more about different female-types and personalities. Gain more experience. You need more experience with other male-types. You're clinging to what's familiar and comfortable.
He's growing-up, and realizing he can't do this anymore; just for the sake of your feelings. You're making future plans for his life, and he probably feels cornered. Even smothered.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I believe his feelings are changing and he's ready for something different. He wants to be single and enjoy his freedom. You need a guy's point of view on this. He doesn't have anyone else yet; but it certainly has crossed his mind to be with someone different for a change. You will never get him to admit that, so don't ask. Use common-sense.
Neither of you have had any experience in meeting and dating different people. You obviously can't see the forest for the trees. I'm sorry, my dear. It has been far too long and he wants out. You will definitely turn on the faucets and make it difficult; but that will only work for awhile.
You'll cling even tighter, and he'll feel very guilty; because you may be the type of person who will go into a total emotional breakdown. The drama would be too much for him to take. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings; and doesn't know how to break-up with you; because you don't know how to let go. It will be painful for him too, but this is usually how it begins.
Don't compare your relationship to those of others. A few may have married, but some live to regret they didn't get-out when they could. Sorry, but the vast majority of "breaks" end in break-ups. It's usually one person trying to avoid the drama of the other that makes the situation linger on and on. It's held together by pleading and tears. By over-emotionalizing, some women often use high drama to manipulate, or to gain sympathy. Relationships can't be held together by pity.
It only works temporarily. Men grow cold and distant. Avoid communication, and shut-down emotionally. They put up a wall you can't penetrate. We'll tire of the tears and drama.
Then comes anger on both sides. You're say horrible things and accuse him of things. He'll throw things back. When you won't let go, that's how it usually has to end.
He'll drag-out the inevitable; because he can't bear to see you go through the pain. He's using the break to gain more courage, prepare his final parting-speech, allow you to get used to the possibility and probability; and he's allowing himself to taste what separation and freedom feels like. No emotional obligation to cater to your feelings and demands day-in and day-out.
You see marriage in the future. He sees it by no means!
Emotionally, he's had a head-start. He's thought it over, and now he's giving you the chance. His mind is already made up. He's slowly trying to get you on the same page. You'll miss each other like addicts for a fix; but I think your habit/addiction is stronger than his. He'll be there to coddle you through it, but he still wants out. You don't have to be a cheater or already have another person in-mind to want to end a relationship. You may just crave your freedom. Desire to see other people, and do as you please.
You may just want to come up for air!
The description you gave of him the day you decided to take a break, tells it all. So prepare yourself.
The relationship has reached it's expiration date.
You both really need to first undergo the withdrawal from co-dependence, and then initiate the process of detachment. You will then experience the grief of loss, go through all the phases of emotions related to a breakup, agonize through the separation, and eventually come to the realization that it is over. Finally to move on.
You need to experience more independence as a single woman. You're too complacent and fixed in a relationship. Your whole existence has revolved around it. You don't know how to survive without him around.
You're in denial, but I hope you'll allow yourself to come to terms that it is possibly over; and it will be for the best. Guys aren't really like females when it comes to this kind of thing. I guess you'll have to learn through time and the events as they happen. You'll hurt, but you will recover.
I'm not being mean, or banging you over the head with pessimism. I'm preparing you for the worst case scenario.
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji +, writes (12 November 2015):
 I say take the NC way for this break for 30 days. So no contact for 30 days and see where it goes from there. Within that time you both will be able to know if this is what you want to do. I feel like there's personal reasons to why he has cold feet he's just not sharing it yet. Give it 30 days and see if he gives in. He will have enough time to clear his head
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 November 2015):
 There are people who need to take breaks from relationships, like they take vacations form work. More people would find this to be disrespectful than okay. Your friends are getting married, but how long can they keep up being happy when one of them needs a break, especially when children and household chores have to be done? Is this something that women must accept because it's a man's biological need to go to a cave then bounce back like a rubber band? Consensus would say no. There's equality in sexes. Which means women work, and then they do housework too. If men are allowed freedom then this is unfair to women.
Cold feet means he doesn't know if he can handle it if he's not allowed his freedom, and he's not sure if he's ready for such commitment.
How long should a break last? If all women in the world refuse "breaks," then men would have no choice but to get married. This had been the tradition, even if men agreed with begrudgingly.
I can never say how long because there are men who lives with honour and respect, and never have to take breaks to figure things out. I guess this is a survival of the fittest vs. leniency of modern times. Men who have the most stamina and devotion would win women's hearts but the trend is also that on and off relationships are becoming more common.
If he comes back to you, it would be because he worries you would be snatched up by another guy. The fear suddenly prompts his love for you. When a guy comes back it is rarely because he feels sacrificing his freedom is worth it. It's not until they are in their 50's that they would learn sympathy and compassion for women feeling lost in the world of selfish dating.
If he does come back, I would expect a ring though, not 6 more years of limbo and not knowing if you would split up in an apartment setting. He better smarten up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 November 2015):
 I would NOT be the one to contact him. And I would give him a MONTH tops - after that I would presume the relationship over and done with. And I would NOT be begging or pleading either. If someone doesn't WANT to be with me, why should I want to be with them? That would be kind of one-sided.
I DO think it had to do with some kind of cold feet. After 6 years together you would THINK he know if he loves you and want to BE with you or not. But he pulls a "turtle" instead and have you ferret the truth out of him.
I think you DO have to start to accept that he isn't wanting to BE with you any longer if moving in with you after 6 YEARS! of dating scares him that much?! imagine you mentioning marriage or kids!? Running away every time he gets scared?
You ARE in limbo, but that really also comes down to you.
From experience I have RARELY seen people who took "break" make it work later on. You don't take a break while cooking dinner - you start, you work and you finish it. Relationships should not be build on a series of "breaks". A break usually means that ONE person wants out. And it's usually the beginning of the end.. Break leads to Break up. I think you guy agreed to the break to "let you down" easy. Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, however... he IS stringing you along. You are standing there waiting for him to say jump, so you can go "how high!?" You are in a holding pattern and at some point you will run out of fuel and decide that YOU want to be with someone who has NO DOUBT about how he feels for you.
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