A
female
age
41-50,
*arn lady
writes:Married 20 years, received only a handful of birthday, anniversary, special occasion gifts. Read all the help columns and told husband exactly what I wanted for anniversary which was a week trip so we could reconnect. I started planning and he said he would plan it. So when it was time to go, I packed for a week. Got on the road and drove 12 hours to destination. Stayed night and spent 5 hours at a few attractions. Since this was our 20th anniversary I went all out, he had 20 gifts to open, one representing each year. After he opened these gifts, he said I didn't get you anything. I replied that's okay we got a week vacation here. I was completely stunned when he said, well actually we are going home in the morning. Needless to say I was mad. It has now been three months since this fiasco. He has said he would make up for it, be a different man. Nothing has changed or been made up for yet. Now, we are well able to afford vacations and his business partner is capable of keeping our small business going while we are gone. Husband does however have a hobby that requires him to be gone up to five days at a time at least once a month. But uses the excuse that he can't leave work to take me anywhere longer than a weekend. The reason we needed to reconnect was because almost a year ago I found out he was partying with the guys at the strip clubs while out of town for work. My question is, how long do I wait for him to make up for our terrible trip, or am I blowing this out of proportion? I have tried to plan other getaways since this and am always told its not a good time, can't go. Am I expecting too much or is he selfish?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 January 2013):
One of the things about many women that drives me nuts is this idea that they shouldn't have to tell their husbands these kinds of things; that he should just know.
We'll, men are terrible mind readers so you have a choice between talking to him (not complaining) and getting what you want or hoping he figures it out on his own and being unhappy because he rarely does figure it out.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 January 2013):
 IF he thought it was fine and you had not told him, then he has a good point.
how about some counseling to work on communication skills?
that's why we go.
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A
female
reader, barn lady +, writes (17 January 2013):
barn lady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHusband and I had a discussion about all this. He said he didn't realize these things meant a lot to me. He said he thought everything was okay, that I had never fussed or told him he couldn't do whatever he wanted, so he thought I was fine. Guess we'll see where this goes....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2013): it sounds like your hb has one foot out the door of the relationship already, and you can't make someone want you if they don't. If you really were important to him he would have spent more time and effort on you the way he does on his hobbies. He simply does not want to spend time with you. I don't know why he feels that way, but that and the partying at the strip clubs shows that he doesn't feel emotionally invested in you. He simply doesn't see you as a priority."The reason we needed to reconnect was because almost a year ago I found out he was partying with the guys at the strip clubs while out of town for work. "who decided that you "needed to reconnect" because of this? Was it just you and he just went along and said OK? I bet that he doesn't really have any intention to reconnect and is just going along doing his own thing as always, saying what he needs to say to be left alone for now, and continuing putting in the bare minimum effort as always. He doesn't see you as a priority, but that doesn't mean he wants his life to be upheaved either so he wants to keep this relationship going the way it has been, with him having one foot out the door and putting in the bare minimum. You saw his partying at the strip clubs as an alarm signal that the relationship is in trouble and in need of reconnecting. He doesn't see it that way, because that requires more effort from him, that's why he still isn't putting any priority on you and since it takes two to have a relationship, if he's not voluntarily participating you can't make up for it on your own as that would make no sense.I think you need to re-adjust to this situation rather than trying to get him to change. I think you should face the reality that he's fading out of this relationship or already has, and decide what to do that will make you feel better which does not involve him needing to change his feelings. I can't think of many things that are likely to make you feel better about this, but maybe you should come to terms that you are on your own in this marriage and he is essentially just a roommate, if you want to stay married to him that is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): People often cling to failing marriages because they have already invested a lot into it and cannot bear the idea that the investment will all go away if you leave. It almost seems better to stay in a unhappy marriage than to leave. Psychologists have found that we as a species are more driven to avoid loss than to obtain gains (unless the gains can be obtained without risking losing anything). The fear of losing whatever we have even though it may not be that great, outweighs the anticipation of gaining something more and tends to dominate our decisions leading people to cling to familiar but unhappy situations rather than chuck it all aside to start anew in search of a higher pay off. That's why for all your consideration of leaving, you still don't want to leave. Your feelings of despair and sadness which make you consider leaving are strong. But your loss aversion is even stronger. Unfortunately you may have to consider what the cost ultimately will be if you try to avoid losing whatever you have by hanging onto this marriage when your husband does not change and maybe never will.Another thought to consider is that you cannot change someone else. At some point trying to change them makes them pretend to change (when they haven't really) just to keep the peace or to maintain a status quo that they want. But this leads to another layer of problems for you because not only haven't they changed but because they are pretending they have you may be fooled into thinking they have only to then be blindsided again when it turns out they haven't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): your husband is showing he isn't interested in this relationship, and he isn't interested in reconnecting. He may have paid lip service saying he does want it but his actions speak louder than words. He may want the marriage to continue because he gets some benefits from it like security or free sex, but that doesn't mean he actually is interested in the relationship between you or even in you as a person. The question is, why do you want to stay married to someone who is obviously not interested in being married to you?I don't think you should waste time having any more talks with him, you'd just be setting yourself up for even more future disappointments. It sounds like you already have had talks with him. But the more talks you have without results, the cheaper the talk becomes and the more you are showing him that results don't really matter to you since you're still here. It's time to show that you are serious by your actions not just your words. I think you should tell him that you want an open marriage since he is so un-invested in your relationship and will not meet your needs, you want to get those needs met elsewhere but you want to inform him first so it cannot be said that you are cheating on him. If he has a problem with this, then separate or divorce.
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A
female
reader, barn lady +, writes (15 January 2013):
barn lady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Code Warrior, I read that post several times, I think you are exactly right! I just wanted to be first for once. I have considered leaving but I really don't want to. I want to fix the problem but I don't know how. I do know it is not my problem to fix but still I try. We just got so wrapped up in life that we just got comfortable, and here we are. We have worked hard to raise our kids, have nice things, and be able to afford nice vacations, but it seems we just work to work again. I miss the fun.
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A
female
reader, barn lady +, writes (15 January 2013):
barn lady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your feedback. I think I knew all along what the responses would be and felt that I needed someone to justify my feelings. We did have the talk and when I mention what he said he was going to do his response is that he hasn't had time to make plans yet. I would be willing to accept that if it came with a heartfelt "I'm sorry" and maybe a night out or flowers. Guess that's just wishful thinking...... Again thank you all for your responses! I'm sure this will have another chapter and I'll be back asking for more advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2013): I say, Hell No!Do you know where he REALLY goes for those five days of his "hobby??" Is he hooking up with another woman?He needs a smack upside the head because he is going to lose you if he doesn't start to make an effort to show he cares about his wife.My late husband was a stick in mud. All he wanted to do was stay home and not go anywhere. I got so tired of that.If I was you, I would check into Women's Travel Clubs and start your traveling sans your husband IF you can't get him to come around and understand where you are coming from.STOP with the gifts, STOP with the cards. Do not acknowledge his birthday, father's day, Christmas and your anniversary. Beings I can be mean, I would make plans for myself to be gone those days or taking trips over those holidays.Time to think of yourself, Hun. He doesn't care. Put your needs first. Life is way to short and you need to start living and do what you want to do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2013):
He's not going to make up for your terrible trip. He sees nothing wrong.
I think you have to consider that he can't meet your needs.
you either have to end the marriage and find a new partner that meets your needs or you can do any one of the following:
1. suck it up and continue on the way it is knowing he won't meet your needs and you will be ok with that. (because whining about it is not acceptable if you choose to suck it up)
2. NOT leave him but start living your life without him. plan trips either alone or with girl friends (NOT Men friends) and do all the things you want to do without him. treat him the way he treats you... give him the same information he gives you and in the same timely manner...
3. tell him you will stay married to him but you want to live separate lives and as such you will be taking a lover to meet the emotional needs he's not giving you. then do it. (there are many young men out there that would be delighted to have sex and affection regularly with a married woman with no pressure to be more committed)
Personally, I see you getting fed up enough and strong enough eventually to leave him. Better to do it sooner rather than later because you still have a decent chance at your age to find a partner that meets your needs.
(btw widen your age span lower from what you think is ok)
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (14 January 2013):
 A relationship takes BOTH people giving a hundred percent, and it's obvious that you're the only one putting out any effort. He's made it clear that you're not high on his list of priorities, and that's really sad. I wouldn't wait any longer for him to make this up to you, because it isn't going to happen.
He's gotten so used to you always being there - always being the one the step up and put out the effort, he doesn't think he needs to change. Well, maybe it's time for a little shock therapy.
CMMP is absolutely correct - it's time for that very serious talk - the talk that determines whether or not you stay married. If he doesn't value you enough to put out any effort toward keeping your marriage alive, then it's time for you to leave.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 January 2013):
He wont "make up for it" and he wont be "a different man." He will be exactly the man that he has been, with almost no variation. People can fool you they are someone else for a short time, but at some point the energy expended to do this becomes too great or inconvenient, and they go back to who they are.
You are either happy with who he is, or your not. He can make small changes to what he does. He cannot make changes to who he is. You need to come to terms with that.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (14 January 2013):
 Well obviously his hobby is more important to him than you cos that's what he spends his time on. It should be the other way round, him taking you away for several days a month. Explain this to him. If his hobby stops him spending a decent amount of time with you, it's time to ditch the hobby. His attitude stinks.
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A
female
reader, GabbyM  +, writes (14 January 2013):
how about get out of that sour relationship, and go enjoy your trip with someone who respects you. Any male that has to go to a stip joint while he has is wife sitting at home says enough.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 January 2013):
Absolutely not blowing it out of proportion. I'd have a serious talk with him. Like "we need to talk" talk. Tell him everything you feel. I would add that you're not happy in your relationship and you feel like you're the only one putting in any effort.
You may even tell him you need some time alone to think. That you're not sure what you want anymore and that you're very disappointed in him. (don't lie but sometimes you have to exaggerate in order to make him understand that he's got to change)
My wife did this to me. I was floored because I never thought she'd leave me so instead of nurturing our I took it for granted. Since then I really made an effort to see things from her point of view and be a more caring husband because when the person you love lets you know that you can't get away with it any more you either change or lose them.
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