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female
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anonymous
writes: I wonder how long you are suppose to help your adult children?My children are all over 20, but they don't seem to make it out there. We are keep helping them, but they don't seem to get stronger from this.I know people who are supporting their 50 year old ''children '' ,but id does not do any good. So how do you handle this ,but not look cruel..I feel sorry for them, but I want my life back.. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Hello, I was just reading this answers again, and they are so wise, thank you.My biggest problem as a mother, that I feel . that they are hurting themselves so much, and they are slow learners form life lessons.And yes,I don't know how to stop this cycle, but i totally see,it is not good , for grown adults, to rely on the parents all the time. I guess, I just have to learn to step back.But how do I do that?
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (2 October 2009):
 I would like to echo OldGuy's answer. He hit the nail on the head.
If it helps you to do "what must be done", remind yourself that your job as a parent is not just to provide your children the tools to survive in this world, but to THRIVE in it. Learning by being exposed to the natural consequences of poor decision-making is a necessary tool for personal growth.
For example, as a mother, I do not like to see my daughter overwhelmed with homework. It is tempting to put it aside and take her to the park instead. But if that homework is sent home because she wasted time in school, missing out on the park experience is a "natural consequence" to making a poor decision with regards to time management.
She learned from that experience. Now she very rarely brings homework home.
You do not have to go from “Flexible and Easy-Going” to "Harsh" overnight. Depending on what form of help you are still giving your "children", you can give them a time-frame to move out (for example). “Children, by “X” date, you will be on your own. Your father and I have done our jobs and now it is your turn. I will do what I can to help you get a job, find a place, and maybe donate some furniture, as long as you are doing what you need to do in the time-frame allocated.”
Do not let them make you feel guilty. They have no guilt about taking advantage of your generous nature. You have an absolute right to sit back and enjoy your own pace, after working, building a home and raising a family after a number of decades. You should not have to worry anymore about whether or not your adult-children can cope without you.
However, if you don’t take these steps now, how WILL they cope when you aren’t around to be their safety net?
Good luck.
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reader, called Steve  +, writes (2 October 2009):
 Just be there for them emotionally and physically, financially u would need to be careful as fiscal stimulus has a tendency to rebound on you - you get treated as a savour by getting taken for granted.
I do very little to financially support my children, it has helped them to manage their own money (they are 16 and 13) which they earn themselves from their part time jobs. They have self worth and financial independence...
They think I'm tight with my money, but ultimately they will thank me for doing it.
Steve
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): You always help them by listening to them and offering advice. It's not unreasonable to let them stay with you for a short while if their marriage breaks up or some similar calamity befalls them. But if they're simply living beyond their means? Not a dime. Don't worry about looking cruel. As they say, you have to be cruel to be kind. Some people will never learn if they don't fall and land hard. You're being there to catch them doesn't help them to be responsible.
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