A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How important is respect in a relationship? I am back in the dating scene after 2 years and this always seems to come up for me in terms of “respect” My father has been legally married to my mother for 33 years ( I’m in my early 30”s) and he always talks smack about her ( he always has) complains about her cooking - how she annoys him- how this and that - yet he won’t leave her .. it’s safe to say their marriage a marriage but that is all I know .. my mother in turn controls him and they scream and have been screaming for 33 years How important is respect? My past bfs never talked badly about me but they were negligent and they were users and ego drivenDoes anyone know what are some key things to watch it for ? The two people that were supposed to teach me are proud they are married after 33 years and still believe that their marriage is fine This baffles me Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2018): Dear Ms Baffled
There is no doubt in my mind respect is very important. Who do children learn from? Their parents. Parents may think it’s a big joke to be yelling and screaming all the time, but little kids don’t understand that it’s a joke, they feel like they’re living in a war zone, they do not feel safe and secure. That is not the way to raise healthy normal kids. When those kids grow up they don’t really know what is normal.
What kind of environment do you want for your kids – love, kindness and respect? Or a war zone? So chose a mate who, along with you, will be a good role model for your children. Sure there are always going to be disagreements within families, but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle them.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 September 2018):
 A good solid definition of Respect from your point of view would probably answer your question better than we can.
To me respect has little to do with criticism and control, and a lot more to do with Boundaries and Trust.
33 years is a long time to be married to someone. Your Dad may not be happy with everything your mom does, but he does know what to expect. Your Mom may not be happy with how well he obeys her, but she knows what to expect. I'm married 31 years last month, and While I don't scream at my wife there are many things lacking in the relationship. But, I do know what to expect. It's more than comfort, it's that I can trust that she will do certain things. I can trust that there are lines she won't cross. After 30 years that is often enough.
In a newer younger relationship, you haven't built that level of trust yet, and you couldn't put up with the things your parents, or I do. At your age you have to look for signs more. You have to question more.
In summary: Define what respect looks like to you, and don't accept less. Remember to build trust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2018): In general, it is very important for the man to feel respected in a relationship, and the woman to feel loved.
It's what I was told at a therapy session so thought it might be helpful if passed on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2018):
 Different folks, different strokes.
No one is blissfully happy with their partner 24/7. And some couples (like your parents) have fallen into certain habits over the years, bickering becomes routine, familiar.
Does it mean YOU have to find a man to have the SAME kind of relationship and interactions with? No.
How often do one generation do the exact opposite than their parents?
I have seen people who came from loving homes, date abusive and toxic people and for the longest I didn't get it at all. I think however, that over time I have come to realize that if ALL you see is people care for you, be kind etc. then you DO NOT recognize "evil" until you are knee deep in "fiery brimstone". And I have seen people from dysfunctional families carry in THAT "family tradition" and date/marry someone with whom they have a dysfunctional marriage.
What it comes down to, when selecting a partner, is KNOWING what you want and what you don't want. Having standards. And living YOUR life, not repeating the patterns you saw at home.
You parent didn't have any special abilities to make a "perfect" marriage any more than YOU do. While I absolutely get the whole "monkey see, monkey do" it IS up to you to find your own path, choose your mate.
We ALL learn things from out parents - both good and bad.
Maybe you need to define (for yourself) what you believe is important in a partnership/marriage/relationship. Define what YOU have to offer and what you are looking for in a partner. And then be PICKY when looking for a partner. If you see behaviors, attitudes, words or actions that you feel is NOT conducive to a healthy relationship, STOP dating that person. THAT is why we have this whole dating process, to see if you are compatible or not.
And you might look at yourself as well. WHERE have you found these negligent/users/ego driven men? Did they do all the picking? OR did YOU pick them?
Things to watch for... as you ask. It's not that simple. You aren't looking to date a stop light were everything is clearly defined into 3 colors.
YOU need to define YOUR standards.
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