A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year, I'm 18 and he is 17, and we are one of those couples that everyone says 'wow those two are made for each other', which we are, I'm not being young or naive, we are two really good people for each other, same views on every aspect of a relationship, same views on our sexual life, same goals in life, same interests etc etc.However he is in his last year of high school and it is killing me, for the first 6 months of our relationship we spent a lot of time together despite him at school and me juggling work and university. But a few months ago his school work load got really busy,he was never there he was always too busy with school and I didn't cope well. I turned into an emotional wreck. Constantly nagging him which I wish I hadn't, I knew I was being annoying but I was so lonely and begun doubting our relationship.He was as supportive as he could be though, he told me he knew I wasn't okay, but that I just needed to stay strong because I would be okay soon. Few months later he finally had a school break, we spent the first week together, we went away together for a few days and it was amazing, we were both so happy and we had a lot of fun.A few days after that week together and him wanting some alone time (understandable he hadn't gotten a minute to himself for months) We got into an arguement one day and I told him he had changed, he didn't want to spend as much time with me anymore, but he was honest and told me I had changed, I wasn't fun anymore, I was never happy and all I did was complain he wasn't there. He said he had an amazing time on the week we spent together and I was same girl he fell in love with (true) but as soon as we weren't together I broke down again. And he was right, I had a good cry and we had a good talk, I needed to be more positive so I could be happy again, and for the rest of his school break I was only happy, I dealt with the fact he wanted some time with friends and some time to himself, but like usual, he spent the most of his time with me, and we were both really happy and things were normal again.He's back at school again, he only has 6 weeks left though and then we have 3 trips away planned away before January when we are both moving to the city together so I can attend the university of my choice and he can get a job.I only need to stay strong for the next couple of months but I'm scared I might lose him. I feel like I push him away, which temporarily I do, but emotionally it just makes him want our future more so that he can be there and make me the happiest girl and therefore be the happiest guy.So yes I know I'm a nagging girlfriend when he's got no time for me, I just want advice on how to stay positive! I love that boy more than anything else, and when I'm not winging, I know I am a good girlfriend. And I know I am a fun person when I'm happy. But the only thing I have left in this town that makes me happy, is him, I only stayed here for another year to be with him and wait for him to finish school. To which all of his friends tell me how much they envy him because he tells them all how amazing his girlfriend is and everyone who knows us knows how strong our relationship and bond is.So please, advice on how I can stay positive? And can actually be happy when he is busy? He's told me he is the man I'm going to marry, which once we get away from his parents and he's out of school I know that everything will be amazing, there will still be hard times, there will still be arguments and I will still be a woman and complain every now and then. Just yeah, advice please, on how I can keep my emotional state at a stable level? I don't want a repeat of his last term at school over the next few weeks, and I definitely don't want to turn back into that fun-sucking miserable nagging girl.
View related questions:
fell in love, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to say a huge thankyou to both of you who answered this. You guys are both totally right. I am dependant on him for emotional stability and I hate it and I know he certainly hates the nagging.
I do lack a lot of self confidence, I got in a bad relationship for 9 months last year and the guy was the biggest d***. After I put myself through that I was really down. Not to mention it all the girls at school that I was friends with were total bitches. Which leads to a point both of you made, to let him have time with friends, which I do, if he wants to spend time with friends I let him, I'm happy to, as long as we still get our time together, it's just hard for me because in this town I kinda only have one friend left, all the rest moved after we graduated school.
And I don't really have things to do when I'm not at work. So I'm a bit of a loner right now. AAnd I think that is why I'm so dependant on him, I've had a really hard year family wise at home, so that always brings me down, and I have absolutely nothing else going for me at the moment other than my job, so that leaves me with the one person who makes me over the moon happy, and he has a huge busy life with school, friends, and now a job, that he doesn't get that much time for me.
I know next year will be much better when we move together, as I will have him in my life everyday I know I will be very happy, I will also have univeristy again, be living in a city where things actually happen, the biggest reason I'm so excited for next year is because I know that is when my life will really start, and I'll get to do it all with my boyfriend there, whilst he lives his life too.
So thankyou very much for your advice both of it, it was both really inspiring, just need to find the time to sit down with him and talk about this now, cause I want him to know my goals over the next few months.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): Im going to put this as blunt as possible... you MUST give him some space or you will drive him away!!
I was exactly the same when i was your age. I was only happy and content when i was with him. When he was with mates or doing something else i was miserable and spent my time waiting for him! It killed me and it was all my problem not his. Infact, time apart makes the relationship stronger. Give him timw to miss you!
I would suggest find a hobby you really enjoy and stick with it. A sport or acivity? Spend time with your friends, go out, have fun and enjoy life. Dont sit around waiting for when his free because you will drive yourself insane and you will nag him. Sound familiar?
The end result of my and the guy i was with... we broke up after 2 years. It was too full on and i drove him away.
Im now with a new guy (aswell as having a relationship between that guy and my current guy where it was opposit, he was so full on he didnt give me a second to myself and drove me away - i lost all feelings for him) anyway yeah im now with a new guy and i give him as much space as he needs. His got his mates, work, uni and sport and yeah his very busy a majority of the time, but i keep busy doing my own thing and when we do see each other its amazing! Also i limit my text messages to him so as to not smother him even when we arent together.
I believe you will be so much happier in yourself if you dont live for being with your man, and rather enjoy the time you do have with him. Next time your feeling stressed out and feel like nagging him, dont pick up the phone, go for a walk and take a deep breath, and before you know it youll feel heaps better and you wont be left thinking "Why did i contact him and nag him again!!"
Goodluck..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): The problem is that you're not independent enough. You're basically making your bf responsible for ensuring that you feel OK. This is very unhealthy for you, because it means you're not in control of your own life. It's also unfair to put that responsibility on someone else (your bf).
You need to learn to be OK on your own and not be dependent on him to make you happy, you need to learn to soothe yourself and to make yourself happy. His presence should enhance your happiness, which it does, but his absence shouldn't result in a downward spiral in you. You need to learn to be OK on your own.
If you continue to rely on him to regulate your emotional state, rather than doing it yourself, you're going to keep nagging him because you "need" him to keep you glued together. So if you want to stop being such a nagging girlfriend, the way to do that is to stop being so dependent on him. It's not easy, and it won't happen overnight, but you should learn how to do it and make it a permanent change in yourself.
Relationships work when both partners are independently stable and healthy and able to regulate their emotions on their own and are not looking to the relationship to keep them emotionally stable.
Relationships eventually disintegrate if one partner can't regulate their own emotional health and can only feel OK (as in, not a nervous wreck) if the other partner is with them. This is extremely unhealthy. This dynamic destroys relationships further down the road. Now he may still be OK with it because you guys haven't been together that long, but this is not sustainable for the long term (like if you two really are to have a future together). sooner or later he will feel exhausted, smothered and resentful toward you and will desperately want to get away from you. His need for "alone time" will increase the more you cling to him. And yet being away from each other will trigger panic or a nervous breakdown in you so it leads to a no-win situation whereby for one of you to be emotionally OK it has to come at the other's expense. This is when the relationship falls apart and both people are miserable.
therefore to avoid all this, and to stop being so nagging, you basically need to learn to be happy on your own and be more independent, and not be expecting or relying on your bf to make you happy.
How do you learn to be more independent? usually being dependent is related to fear of abandonment and low self esteem. So you need to develop your confidence in yourself and your own strengths, and seek happiness and personal growth in activities that have nothing to do with your bf - e.g. develop your friendships with other people, develop your social life that doesn't include being a couple with him, get involved in fulfilling activities without him, etc.
Also there are specific techniques you can learn to soothe yourself when you feel anxious so that you can successfully reduce your own feeling of anxiety when you're alone, rather than requiring that your bf stop whatever he's doing and be there for you. You can find books on anxiety management, or ask a counselor. good luck!
...............................
|
